From the smoking ruins
Here I am, sitting and looking over the ruins of a quad, a family, a marriage. How did this happen? How did we get here? Should we be a feature on Jerry Springer? Originally, I was going to write a complete history of Skye and I, and while I am going to finish it since it’s close to done, posting it here seems like it may not add any actual value and take up a lot of space. So instead, I’ll start a little less far into the past, roughly two and a half years ago. There are other bits of info from the larger history that I’ll add in as I think are appropriate in this context. Hopefully, I’ll be able to keep this as unbiased as possible, noting non-factual information.
Avatar - Me
Skye – My spouse of 17 years
Busbuddha – Former quadmate
Buns – Spouse of Busbuddha (she does’t have an account here, so I’m using another alias of hers)
Crush – Friend of Skye and I, which Skye has had a thing for for years
Tomato – Eldest child of Skye and I
Pickle – Child of Busbuddha and Buns
Onion – Legal child of Skye and I, biological child of Skye and Busbuddha (natural conception)
Background (snippets from larger history):
Skye and I are not strangers to non-monogamy. We started in it some 10 years back. First a GF for Skye, which while I had fairness issues about, gave the go ahead on. (In the end, it didn’t work out, as Skye was a bi girl in a lesbian world.) Then a wild fling with a close friend of ours that lasted a good long while, even after the friend moved farther away. Skye then moved on to various online sites looking for potential play partners, and I followed along. A second potential GF for Skye came along, but didn’t work out either, partially I feel because the candidate wanted to be with both Skye and I while Skye wanted them all to herself. All in all, it was good, especially for me, which I’ll get to in a minute. We were going something together that we both were enjoying. Excellent! Everything seemed great, until, one day, as if out of nowhere, Skye was done. I didn’t recognize it at first, and it wasn’t until we got into it that the truth come out. She’d only been doing it for me the whole time, and it was pissing her off that I was so absorbed in it and pushing it on her. And while she would grudgingly give permission for me and that long time friend to play together, she wasn’t happy about it, feeling like she was being pressured into it.
Why was entrance into non-monogamy good for me? This goes back into my personal history. I’ve always “known” I was a bit different. I’ve almost always sought out or at least felt the *need* to have multiple connections with females. In youth, this translated to being surrounded by females in various capacities. Emotional, physical, some combo of both. Every best friend I’ve ever had has been female, and there has been something physical between us as well. Because of my upbringing, I thought this meant I was a horrible person. A womanizer, a deviant, a potential cheater and home wrecker, a sinner. When Skye and I first met, most of my friends were female, and flirty. I forced myself into monogamy any time I had an official relationship, including my marriage to Skye. And it was hard. Very hard. The draw was there the whole time, and I beat myself up over it. In my mind, I was a horrible husband for what I was feeling. It wasn’t until Skye and I ventured into non-monogamy that I was not only getting a level of fulfillment of that draw, but feeling ok with having that draw. I was making connections, connections that still last to this day. It wasn’t until way later that I learned about Polyamory. And when I did, it all made sense. It was like a light came on in my head – “Oh! That’s it, that’s it exactly. Now it all makes sense. And, I’m normal, not a bad person after all!”
So, about two and a half years ago, I met Busbuddha and Buns through one of my hobbies. We really hit it off, and I introduced them to Skye. It was something akin to love at first site. All four of us, by all accounts, were immediately drawn together. Being together felt “right” from the start, with the feeling that we would always be together. Not far into it, we were looking into being more than friends, which introduced us to the ideas of Polyamory. In her typical style, Skye got heavily into it, researching, reading, learning. Each of us followed suit in our own way, and we talked about it a few times, but we never did anything official. We played together, and individually, and started developing the individual relationships. For me, it was that need of mine, that draw getting fulfilled again, and it felt great. I now knew who and what I was, and was getting closer to actually living it. The prospect was very exciting.
It was a wild summer, and we all got really close. Skye and I had been trying for a second child for years without luck, so we asked Buns and Busbuddha if they would be comfortable lending us a hand. They agreed, and like magic, it worked the first time. Months later, Buns too became pregnant, something the girls had cooked up so they could have the experience together. A few months into pregnancy, Skye pulled back. She couldn’t handle it, needed it to go back to friends only. The pregnancy was too much, the massive rush of hormones mixed with her not being able to take her antidepressants. She couldn’t think properly, and didn’t want to be making decisions when she was like this. We all agreed to take a step back, just hang out while this all passed, then see what’s what later on. It was a rough period, with both girls emotionally all over the place. But, we stuck it out, hung in there. 7mo later, Onion came along, and we were all happy to see the new little person in our lives. The same when Pickle arrived, so tiny and wrinkled. And there we were, all seven of us, a happy family of sorts.
Over the course of the next year, nothing really happened. Skye put it all off, over and over, saying she wasn’t ready to think about it. She started to withdraw a bit, pointedly separating the two little families in different ways. She would get upset whenever I tried to talk to her about it, feeling like I was pressuring her or getting angry at her about it. In the early part of this year, I felt she was done, over with it, and told her so. I told her that we couldn’t be leading them on about it, dangling that hope, if she already knew it wasn’t something she wanted. She just needed to say it, let us all know. I’d give it all up. That last hurt a lot, as I knew I’d be going back into the closet again, so to speak, and probably for good, as I didn’t want to go through all this again.
Early spring found me contemplating my marriage with Skye, and myself. I knew I hadn’t been a great husband for her. Nor had I been good to myself. I’d been hiding myself from Skye, withholding my feelings from her for far, far too long. Our marriage had never been great, and, it was about time I got off my ass and did the work I’d always known I should be doing in the first place. This too I told Skye, who was rather skeptical. Why would I change after all this time? Simple – because I knew that I needed to, had known all along, I was getting too old to pretend I could get to it later, and frankly I was tired of the way things had been. I wanted to be the best that I could be, be myself. Well, as much as I could be, as the poly part was, in my mind, going to have to be stifled and locked away forever. I started out, deciding to work on communication first, as it touched so many areas, including emotional expression. Both were things that Skye has always found missing from our marriage, and both were things I’d carefully locked away from her in our past.
In the May/June timeframe, a couple of things developed. First, Crush entered the picture. He and Skye started talking more frequently, as he was in the process of divorce and needed a friend to talk to. Skye was more than happy to be a help, lend an ear. Secondly, another poly couple started talking with Buns and Busbuddha, taking more than a passing interest in them. To me, the two of these combined to make a change in Skye’s position. Perhaps I should have read the warning signs, questioned a little more. From her own words, Skye isn’t sure exactly why she chose what came next. Was it to give her the ability to pursue Crush? To keep from losing Buns and Busbuddha to another couple, breaking up what the four of us had? A combination of both?
Regardless, in mid July, after talking with each other and my asking repeatedly if she was sure she wanted this, Skye and I sat down with Buns and Busbuddha to see if we could make something official. We talked about what it would look like, what we could all agree on, made sure everyone was on board. And, on July 13th, we officially became a quad together. We were “On like Donkey Kong.” I was ecstatic. We were doing it! I was doing it, finally going to live as a poly, and it felt so natural. Skye seemed pleased, and her pursuit of Crush started in earnest. Busbuddha went on to try and catch her attention, and Buns and I grinned like little devils at each other. Talk of things like living together started again, with some level of seriousness. It was good. It was very good.
A month later, Skye had her first official date with Crush, instead of just masses of texts and phone calls, and doing overnights at his place. It was very intense, and secret, a lot of the time. The only requirement I had was to know when they became sexual active (the first date pretty much), and when it was serious (the first date, maybe the second). (See her own thread on it here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=27525) It was really really good to see her so happy. She was the Skye I remembered from days past, early in our marriage. She was taking care of herself in various ways that she hadn’t in a long time, taking pride in herself. I commented on it to her, complimented on it to her. Compersion to the max for me. Meanwhile, Buns and I were doing our best to actually be boyfriend and girlfriend. Enough nasty had happened before, that we’d been slowly working our way up to it this time, but, Skye seemed to be all approvals, even encouraging us. Because of the chemistry we already had between us and the time we’d already been close friends, we were very much in love with each other in short order. *So* happy! I’d finally done it, I was in love with two at the same time, and it was…wonderful. I was complete. This was what it was all about. I made sure that Skye knew my feelings for Buns, expecting at least a little reaction from her. But, in the half dozen times I told her over the next month+, she wasn’t phased by it.
Crush’s therapist put him and Skye on a 30 day break, which they found every possible way to circumvent without actually going against the letter of the break agreement. She was fascinated by him, that’s all she wanted to talk about or hear. Trying to talk to her about anything else, wasn’t so great. In short, everyone was shut out, Skye didn’t want to hear it. Not problems the rest of us were having with being shut out, that I was in love with Buns, nothing. This is perhaps where we should have putour collective feet down, but, we mistakenly took what we saw as a serious connection and a buttload of NRE. We let it slide, figuring we would catch her after the hormones calmed. I think Busbuddha was the worst off, as at least Buns and I had each other, while his GF was mostly MIA and/or canceling on him.
Just before a week long business trip that started right after the 30 day break ended, everything started to hit. Distraught over what was going on, I was pleading with Skye to talk to me. That was when she told me that she wasn’t in love with anymore, hadn’t been for a very long time, didn’t think she ever could be again, wasn’t attracted to me, or anyone in the quad. Oh yes, and, she wanted permission to not use protection with Crush, as soon as he was tested and she had her tubes tied. And that’s what I got to think about as I traveled to the other side of the planet. I sent her emails, messages, talked to her on the phone. Skye couldn’t take it, it was too much trying to work on both relationships at the same time. She said she needed to focus on Crush right now, and asked that I give her 30days to work things out with him. The two of them had made a 30day trial deal, after coming off a breakup of sorts. It was all a lot to take, but, I accepted and agreed. But she still wanted that no condom thing, and pushed me on it, angry that I was even hesitant.
A couple problems popped up with that. Skye would on occasion bring up important stuff between she and I, and then get upset when I responded or continued the talk later, asking questions I’d had. Especially if it was via txt or email. I wrote her a letter, via email, when I got back from my trip, telling her how much I had missed her, how much I loved her, and how good it was to be home where I could feel her presence. I prefaced it by saying I understood I was breaking the rules, but I needed to tell her, and that I was leaving extra space at the top so she wouldn’t have to see it accidentally. She read it anyhow. 10 days after getting back, it was our anniversary. Our tradition is that I always write things inside her cards. I did, and wrote her another letter as well. But, trying to adhere to the 30 day agreement, I wrote them in invisible ink. As we sat at dinner, I could tell she didn’t really want to be there. The day before she admitted she hadn’t gotten around to getting me a card or gift, (I’m just too hard to buy for). When I gave her the card and letter, she looked at them with a puzzled expression. I gave her the penlight she needed to read them, and explained what I’d done and why I had done it this way. She read them. Later, both of these acts became acts of manipulation in her eyes, feeling that I’d violated the 30day agreement, knowing that she would read.
Most of last month Skye spent every minute she could with Crush, physically or virtually. We did have a few talks, but grudgingly on her part. I tried to keep the agreement, but it was very hard. Some things I needed to know, like, did she even want to try be in love with me again. Over and over she refused to commit to anything, always getting upset or angry. I think it was at this point that I told Skye that she was in love with Crush. She said she didn’t know, and I replied back that I’d been with her long enough that I could tell. The midmonth brought the second breakup for Crush and Skye. She was devastated, totally heartbroken. The person she described to us over and over as being the greatest love of her life ever, and so much better than us in every way, was gone. Hurt as we all were from the unpleasant things Skye had said to us repeatedly, we rushed to her side to comfort her, rally behind her. It was a very sad couple of days for us all. They got back together a day or so later, much to our relief, Buns and I giving up our date night so Skye and Crush could spend time together. Then it happened again, a week later. Again we rushed to Skye’s side to support her. And they got back together again, but as friends only, just to see what happens, and we all stood down again. I had even written a letter to Crush, to aid Skye. The emotional drama was very high.
Now it starts getting ugly. Ok, uglier. Seeing as Skye and Crush weren’t a thing anymore, only friends, I felt my agreement to the 30day thing was done. Nothing to figure out, as nothing was supposed to be happening. So I started trying to talk to Skye again about our stuff. And again it was met with unpleasantness. She didn’t know what she wanted anymore, if she wanted to stay with me or move on, didn’t know who she was anymore because of how she had to stifle herself around me all these years, how she was trapped because she had nowhere to go, no one to go to, how she wasn’t poly, she’d been doing it all for me, and the like. I asked what did that mean about she and I, which was met with she didn’t know, she needed space and time to figure out what she wanted. I told her that was fine, that she could have all the time and space she wanted, but she couldn’t just leave me and the rest of the quad hanging like this. Still she wouldn’t commit to anything.
To help, I wrote out every possible combination of what she could do that was acceptable, as well as sent her an article from More Than Two about a couple that simply recognized that they couldn’t be together anymore no matter how much they tried. Perhaps, I thought, this is what she’s steeling herself for. Still nothing. Buns and Busbuddha got a look at it, as it affected them as well. Skye didn’t even want to admit to reading it, though when she did later, she stated that she and Crush had read it right after I sent it and didn’t understand most of it. Skye kept insisting that I leave her alone to think, that I was violating the 30day agreement, that I wasn’t being fair, that she didn’t know what she wanted.
It came out that she’d been having a mono relationship with Crush all this time, though she wouldn’t say if it was on purpose or just happened. I was at my wits end. She needed to make a decision – either she was in, or she was out, and what each would look like. If she didn’t know I she wanted to be with my anymore, fine, then we would separate so she could figure it out. I offered her everything she would need to take all the time she wanted. The day to day wouldn’t change, but there would be no romantic relationship between us. She could go figure herself out and what she wanted, no matter how long it took. If she wanted to stay but not be with me, that was ok. It was even ok if she wanted to stay and be with someone else, who would come to live with us. If she wanted to go, then we would work it out then. If she left, and 10yrs down the road called me and wanted to come back, or had nowhere to go, I’d bring her back, of she could still call me her friend. She was set for life. Meanwhile, I’d carry on with the self improvement I’d started in the spring, keep my relationship with Buns, and we’d all keep the family together. That was the important part – keeping the family together and happy.
She accepted that offer. I wrote a letter to Crush to this effect, detailing him what was going on, and that I was glad she had him to take this journey of self discovery with. And, should it become something more, I would be happy for them as well. Skye and I went to visit our quadmates, to fill them in. It was sad, as this meant the end of the quad. But all through, it was about sticking together as a family still. Skye brought up the hope that we could all live together some day, she down in the bottom area of the house and the three of us together upstairs. For a separation, it was pretty good overall, but I wish Skye had personally, officially, and individually broken up with Buns and Busbuddha instead of leaving it to them to assume because of the demise of the quad. And that’s how it started, all sad, but hopeful, and wishing Skye good luck on her journey. This was the 22nd of October. With all that has come after, I’m a little startled to see what a short time ago that was.
Two days later, a nuclear bomb exploded. Skye and I hadn’t been having a good day. That afternoon didn’t get better, with a shouting match between us, followed by us picking at each other via text. I learned later that Buns had gotten a hint of what was to come, but she didn’t think Skye was serious. Skye and I had words again later, where she again went off about not being poly and how she didn’t think I was either, I just wanted to fuck a lot of people, I was throwing away my marriage and my kids. It wasn’t pleasant. I had a meeting to attend with Tomato, so I was out for a while. Skye wanted me to leave her alone, so when I got back, I did. I was in bed, just about to start writing in my journal when she it happened. Skye came in all pissed off that I hadn’t spoken to her at all since I’d gotten back home. She said she couldn’t do this anymore, she’d have to find another place to stay. I told her fine, go. Then it happened. Shit was fucked up. It was physical. It got verbal. I know I should have walked away when it first started, but in the heat of the moment, I could barely maintain control enough to make my retaliation verbal only. It was easily the worst 20min of my life, which has left us both with some emotional scars. When it was over, Skye and I both started contacting people. I was expecting the cops to show up at any moment, so I took pictures and sent them off to a safe place. Buns was pissed at both of us for being so stupid and jeopardizing our family, Busbuddha was in shock. I was in shock. Buns had me leave the house and come to their place, where I stayed for a few days. Coming back to the house for visits was…awkward, like I didn’t belong anymore. Still feels like that here and there. Skye and I agreed together that we were both in the wrong, and that it was pointless to bicker over who did what to who. It happened, it sucked ass, now move on and clean up the mess.
Since then, it’s been a rollercoaster. That plan we had, about separating, being friends, learning to be ourselves again, and seeing what happens? Yeah, well, Skye doesn’t seem to want that now. Claims she never wanted it, that I forced her into the whole thing. More proclamations on how she’s mono, how it’s not fair, how it hurts her, and more of anti-poly stuff. Mostly, the anti-poly remarks come up after she’s been out with Crush. Not sure if that’s his doing, winding her up, or what. Baffling is that she’s also expressed interested in still having a friends with benefits thing with Buns. Skye doesn’t see that as being non-monogamous as “it’s different” when it’s two girls. She’s been pushing the “You’re still my husband,” line, how it will always hurt her to see me with Buns, know we’re together and in love. (Note, she claims to have never been told about Buns and I until after the separation.) But each we make a plan or agreement, or reaffirm one, it doesn’t last more than a day or so. Most recently, the same night or the night after we arranged to have a sit down to negotiate what would be a pause for Buns and I, while Skye and I did some couples therapy, Skye gave me a letter, saying she gives up. What she wants, needs, and feels doesn’t matter, she’s financially bound to me, so whatever I want is ok, I hold all the cards, and she’s at my mercy. Frankly, I still don’t know what to think of that.
Yeah, that's a pretty good (if wordy) recap of everything. I get that it's a great deal to take in. And it's been difficult to experience as someone who's been part of this. But I applaud your writing this all down and am interested to see what input (if any) folks will have.
Sounds rough. My first thought is you guys need to seek some professional help. You mentioned that she takes anti-depressants, is it possible that she is having bad reactions to some medication or maybe the medication has been masking a bigger issue, etc? Just my first gut instinct based on what you wrote here.
I would recommend that you also speak with an attorney and see what's necessary to protect yourself and your kids (or your access to your kids), even if you guys decide to do nothing, it doesn't hurt to be informed.
Well, Skye started therapy a few weeks ago, and we have an appointment with a couples therapist come Monday. In terms of medication, it's a bit hard to tell really. It's one she's been on for ages. I'm certainly not stating that it's not a potential issue, only that Skye has been on it for a good long while.
In other news, I've finished detailing the most current events, which would replace that last paragraph. I'll post those later when I get to my laptop.
The day after the nuclear explosion Skye wanted to talk about it, but I told her I couldn’t right then. She pushed and pushed, via text, ignoring that I told her no, I couldn’t. Then she started calling, both my cell and work phone. More texts insisting that I answer the phone, about how she needed to talk to me, how she needed to talk to me about the kids and I could just hang up if she said anything else. I still said no, told her to send me an email instead. She did. Seven paragraphs about what she wanted to say to me, followed by three sentences about the kids - she felt we needed to talk to Tomato about what happened. Buns meanwhile was getting sent home for her heart acting, the stress of talking to Skye getting to her. I replied back to Skye’s email, and in it agreed that we needed to make arrangements to talk to Tomato. Over text, we talked about it, and us talking. I told her that for us, I needed some positive, non-private interactions first, before I could consider talking with her about everything. Also, that I would be there to talk to Tomato.
When I arrived, Skye immediately pulled me off to talk privately in the bedroom, blowing right past the boundary I’d put in place. She said we needed to talk about what we were going to say to Tomato, insisting on being private, away from Buns, who I’d come there with. Initially, it was ok, we talked about wha to say to Tomato like we were supposed to. But as I was trying to leave, Skye started up trying to talk to me again. Over and over she kept trying to pull me into having that talk that I told her I wasn’t ready for, using every ploy and trick to keep me there. She wouldn’t stop until I finally left the house entirely. Over text, she insisted that I come back so we could talk to Fox, and so I could give Onion a bath. I refused to return until Tomato arrived. We had our talk, Onion got her bath, and the Skye was at it again, trying to get me to stay, trying to pull me into the convo until I again left the house. She wouldn’t let up.
Coming back to the house for visits the next couple of days was awkward, like I didn’t belong anymore. It still feels like that here and there. Skye initially didn’t want me to see the kids at all, but Buns had talked her out of it. So, I was visiting while Skye was gone. Skye and I agreed together that we were both in the wrong when it came to the bomb, and that it was pointless to bicker over who did what to who. It happened, it sucked ass, now move on and clean up the mess. I started to suspect that the agreed on plan to separate and go as friends was in jeopardy. Skye started pushing the “you’re still my husband” line, pointedly mentioning that we were still married and that it bothered her that when I would say that "we're technically married." The agreement, like many before it, was becoming null and void to her.
When I started staying at the house again, Skye stayed away most of the time, which helped me settle back into the place. But the first afternoon she was home, we were back to fighting again. It was Halloween, Skye was angry, telling me how I was throwing everything away, destroying the future of our kids, all because I wanted to fuck other people. Later the same day, she got into with Buns while they went to Skye’s pre-op appointment together, and slamming the door in Buns’s face when they returned. Skye and I did talk that night, and it was ok, but still very tense.
The next day, it got worse again. Skye asked if I would rearrange my weekly date with Buns, to stay with her instead. She was having surgery the next day and she was scared. She said I could do it the next day if I wanted, since she’d be sleeping anyhow. Knowing that Buns was really hurting from what had happened between her and Skye the previous day, I felt bad for trying to reschedule. In my typical fashion when it comes to favors, I tried to negotiate with Skye for something more, an overnight instead of a date. Skye went ballistic. It wasn’t fair, why should Buns get an overnight when all that was being asked was that she swap days, what kind of friend is that, etc. After much argument, it was rearranged to just Friday. The surgery came and went, Skye very much upset about it all day, crying even as they put on the mask. It's a huge deal for her, besides everything else going on. It means no more babies, that she wouldn’t be whole anymore, maybe less than a woman. As evening came on, she and I ended up fighting again. She’d been talking to Buns about how bad she was feeling, how she wished I was staying home. Buns, trying to be understanding, tried to renegotiate the date night with Skye to the next day. Again, Skye was pissed because it was for an overnight instead of just a simple day change. It didn’t matter to Skye that it was almost last minute, that she had really hurt Buns two days before, that this was two reschedules in a row. Skye and I got into it when I found out what was going on. I was angry and frustrated, telling Skye that this is why I have trust issues with her – because she always backs out or tries to worm out of deals or agreements she makes and thinks nothing of it. At one point, Skye got so mad that she started punching and pounding the pillow she had in her lap. It scared me, I’d seen that look before, I knew she had lost control again, just as she had less than a week before. I got out of there, refusing to talk anymore with her until she calmed down. All the comfort I’d build up again about being around her was gone, just like that.
The next morning, Saturday, it was more arguing, more heated discussion over the arrangements we’d made. Buns and I were rescheduled for that night, just a date. We three had also agreed to talk in pairs and then meet that coming Tuesday to negotiate an arrangement for Buns and I to go into a holding pattern while Skye and I worked on trying to get along. Skye was already feeling that it wasn’t fair, and that Buns and I were not being respectful to how she was feeling. I left to the room to take care of Onion, before leaving for a side job. Skye came up beside me and pushed me aside, not gently. Something didn’t feel right. I pushed her from behind with my finger, the same force as she had me, and asked her not to do that again. Skye turned, reached out, grasped my arm lightly, and it happened. Total flashbacks from the week before, panic. I started shaking, asking, telling Skye to let go, not to touch me. Later, I snapped again, overreacting to what I thought was going to be another of Skye’s boundary crossings behaviors. I apologized, for both, via text, and tried to explain what happened and why.
I returned from my date with Buns to get a letter from Skye. It said she gave up, I held all the cards, what she wanted/needed/felt didn’t matter, she was at my mercy. So again, all plans were moot, all agreements void. When she asked me about it, I told her I have no idea what to think about it. No idea what in there is true, what isn’t, that with everything getting changed all the time I didn’t know how long this would even hold water. She pushed some more for me to talk to her, but, I couldn't, I didn't know what to think.
Two days went by like that before Skye picked it back up again via a phone call while I was at work. This time, it was all about the future of our kids, how Buns and I aren’t looking into the future, the therpist we're scheduled to see next week will likely say at least 6mo, 6mo is barely anytime for Buns and I to wait, Skye might be able to be poly again if she can get comfortable, it’s unfair to think anything less that 6mo would do anything, she doesn’t understand that I can’t go through this with her as her husband. Last night, we talked about it some more, and while nothing new was added on Skye's part, I expressed my concerns to her. That making agreements of this type are difficult because of how she is about living up to them, why I need to do this with her as her friend instead of as her husband, etc. Overall, it was one of most calm talks we've had in a while.
Plans for this weekend are a little off the norm. The custom since we first met Busbuddha and Buns is to have them over all weekend. Skye would instead like split the weekend, one day for just her and I, one day with Busbuddha and Buns over, in which she might make herself scarce.
Yesterday was an ok one, all in all. Skye and I had an ok talk via phone, going over what happened between her and Crush the night before, general info on poly dating, and our weekend plans. She asked if it would be ok to come with Busbuddha, Buns, and I to a poly pizza event that we were going to on Sunday, because she wanted to show some support. I told her she could. I'm concerned about it though, because of the vehemently anti-poly stance she had up until a couple days ago.
We talked again in the evening before my weekly date with Buns. It went well, mostly in part I think because the topic was about her evening with Crush. That is usually a very safe topic, especially if only listening and being a friend. Skye also mentioned some money problems that a friend of hers was having, which got me thinking. I've met the friend a few times, and thought she was pretty nice. Just before I left, I asked Skye to find out how much the friend was short on rent, as I would see if I could work something out.
Towards the end of our date, Buns brought up the subject of the friend. Buns and I had been squirreling away a little cash, saving up for doing a bigger outing some day, and what we had would cover the amount the friend needed. Without much thought about it, we decided to donate the money to the friend and put the plan into action. That's how Buns and I are about those kinds of things - we jump to help others without always thinking anything through. And in this case, we didn't think about how the friend or Skye would feel about us donating the funds.
Skye was quite sensitive about it when I got back to the house later. From her, I hadn't thought about how the friend would take to being helped that way. I hadn't thought about how Skye would feel about it. I hadn't thought to ask if Skye wanted to help too. I hadn't thought about Skye feeling like she was a bad friend and/or selfish because she hadn't helped too. I hadn't thought how Skye would feel about me pointing out to her that it was Buns and I were helping, when I let her know the logistics of the evening.
Highlight from yesterday. Fairly calm again, until the afternoon, when I was taking Skye back to the house from an appointment. It didn't get to a shouting match or anything, but there was some heat in it. The topic was her feeling like she was being alienated by me, Buns, and Busbuddha. Skye asked that I not tell Buns and Busbuddha everything that she and I talk about. The reason she gave was so that she could have a chance to tell them stuff first, feel included instead of alienated. On the surface, it seemed reasonable, but something about it struck me wrong. The last time someone asked me to keep confidences in the midst of chaos, it was so that they could string everyone involved along, manipulate, and get us fighting among ourselves. Skye was not at all happy to hear my concerns about her request, as the person I was referring to is, well, a hated enemy.
The other issue I brought up is that no one is trying to alienate Skye, she's doing it all on her own by continuing to attack us, individually and as a whole. I reiterated that we're still healing from the last assault on us my her, and the way she's been changing things around over and over, we're all on the defensive, trying not to get hurt again. That too didn't go down well. I'm starting to believe that me speaking my mind, expressing my feelings like Skye's always wanted me to, isn't going to be pretty.
In related news, she and Buns later went to the new mall together. Everything seemed ok, as I talked to Skye a couple times on the phone while they were out. Not sure what, yet, but something happened between them on the way home. It was pretty obvious by their looks and body language that something was up. My guess, Skye let loose on Buns again, but I could be wrong.
Ok, it's been a few months, and I thought I would update this.
In brief summary, the time has been very tumultuous, emotionally and physically. Skye was officially diagnosed bipolar, though there is some discussion still if it's bipolar I or II. While it does explain a lot, both in the recent past and the whole of our time together, how to handle/cope with most of my world getting turned upside down is proving a challenge. Skye is attending a full time outpatient therapy program, as well as working with the Drs on which meds she should be taking.
In terms of relationships, Skye and I are on the verge of divorce. In mid January, she asked me to move out and I'm now living with Busbuddha, Buns, and Pickle. While she would like to see if we can work on getting back together, I'm not sure I can do that. Between the emotional damage and having to leave poly for good, it's a very difficult for me to even consider it. We are still in therapy together, but it's not gotten us anywhere. For their part, Busbuddha & Buns had to go no contact with Skye in early January. While they may some day be able to be friends with Skye again, like me, there is a lot to work through before that can happen.
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