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-   -   He wants to introduce me to his girlfriend! Help! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31991)

Sannafrid 11-06-2012 05:04 AM

He wants to introduce me to his girlfriend! Help!
 
Hello everyone. I should begin by saying that I recently moved away from the man who has been my best friend and primary lover for the past year. He and I are still seriously involved, we're doing very well, and we seem to have our long-distance relationship figured out. He and I are both very sexual people, and we've always had an agreement that it's not a problem if one of us has sex with someone else. We communicate with each other clearly about who we're having sex with, and my current situation in my new town is not breaking any rules my primary and I have. So there's the background story.

For the past month, I have been going on dates/having sex with one of the friends I've made in my new city. He is in an open relationship with another woman. He has told me that she struggles with jealousy, and even confided to me that he suspects she isn't as comfortable with him sleeping with other women as she says she is. She has set restrictions on when and how often he can see me and what we are allowed to do when he's with me, which I think is fair. After all, he is *her* significant other first and foremost.

This past weekend, she told him that he is not allowed to see me again until she meets me. He says that she wants to be sure she can trust me. I am interested in meeting her; she has a doctorate in the field I'm going into. However, I am also very intimidated. I am several years younger than both of them, and I feel that effects the power dynamics of the situation. I am also afraid that she will really hate me after she sizes me up, if she doesn't hate me already.

Has anyone ever been in an analogous situation? Does anyone have any advice on what to do or how to handle meeting your secondary lover's primary? I don't want to cause problems in his relationship. I am trying to decide if I want to go through with meeting her or if I should just bow out, let it be, find someone else, etc.

GalaGirl 11-06-2012 06:51 AM

This is how all that reads to me:
I am willing to meet because
  • She and him have agreements between them to meet, which I think is fair. After all, he is *her* significant other first and foremost.
  • She wants to meet me to put name to new metamour face. See about building trust as a meta and maybe alleviate her worry / jealous of the unknown?
  • I am interested in meeting her; she has a doctorate in the field I'm going into.

I am not willing to meet because
  • I am several years younger than both of them, and I feel that effects the power dynamics of the situation.
  • I am also afraid that she will really hate me after she sizes me up, if she doesn't hate me already.
My question to you is... Which "inner voice telephone call" are you willing to answer at this time?
  • The one speaking to willingness to date this man, allow him space to meet his agreements with his other partner, build some basic trust/manners with this woman who is now your metamour?
  • The one speaking to ageism/lack of confidence and fear/worry?

Which of the two helps feed your "I can handle things in my life" bucket?

You are the captain of your own ship -- you get to take/make the call based on where your willingness happens to be at this time. Neither is "right" or "wrong."
Just... "at this time where is my willing at?"

If it were me? If I wanted to continue building relationship with this man? I'd go meet the new meta. It's not a big hardship thing to ask. Just a "meet & greet?" I do not find that unreasonable. Nobody is asking me to be her best friend or anything.

A reasonable kindness for to my Sweetie's Other Sweetie? It is also a kindness done to my Sweetie. Is this Sweetie worth the trouble or not? Only you can answer that.

HTH!
Galagirl

Anneintherain 11-06-2012 10:20 AM

OK, I'd try to remember that hearing things through an intermediary is often jumbled, and not focus on being told "I'm not allowed to see you again unless you meet my girlfriend" since there's the possibility that it was "Hey, I feel totally uncomfortable with you liking them so much, I'd really like to meet them before you go out again". Because that intermediary can often shorten things for convenience and give the totally wrong idea.

Me? I'd meet them. Maybe it works out great, maybe you realize they are a possessive insecure paranoid freak and you decide to leave the relationship you are in that seemed fine a week ago because it turns out there's veto power you weren't aware of. Maybe you make a new best friend, that you keep even if you break up with the partner. If you meet them you're much less likely to look back on it and wonder what if...

Feel free to reach out to them in email, don't expect your partner to do the best job of introducing you two. Get it over with, putting off nerve-wracking stuff usually just results in a lot of nerves over nothing. Don't feel afraid to ask to meet her alone if you want, or all together if you'd prefer it - for drinks, for coffee, for a long chatty dinner, at a mall, the zoo...whatever would make you comfy. Suggest a couple things and let her know you're open to alternatives. Get lots of sleep the night before. Remember she's as nervous as you, and once you meet there's a 96% (no really, that's a scientific fact I just made up) that both she and you realize there wasn't anything to panic about.

Cleo 11-06-2012 11:46 AM

It's a big leap from 'she's struggling with jealousy' to 'she might hate me or already hates me'.

Meetings like this are nerve wrecking, sure, but is it really so nerve wrecking that you are considering to give up on what otherwise seems like a promising new relationship, not to mention the possibility of meeting someone interesting?

If it were me, I'd take the chance. But I guess a lot depends on how much you like him, and how invested you are in making things work with him - invested enough to do something that feels like a challenge, or not?

Stevenjaguar 11-06-2012 03:29 PM

To me the red flag is "be sure she can trust you". Trust you to do what?

It doesn't sound like a good basis for a relationship, but I think it'll self destruct if you don't meet her. You need to take care of yourself in that situation and like above posters said, it's ok to set some rules yourself, like she doesn't get to dictate your relationship with him. Maybe my idea of a poly relationship is different from some other peoples' but I think everybody should be equal and independent and no one owns anyone else.

Emm 11-07-2012 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stevenjaguar (Post 164675)
To me the red flag is "be sure she can trust you". Trust you to do what?

Trust you not to break the heart of the man she loves and leave her to pick up the pieces? Trust you not to be trying to Cowgirl the relationship? Trust you not to be a bunny-boiling psycho? There are any number of good reasons to want to at least meet your (potential or actual) metamour.

Josie 11-07-2012 04:21 PM

I agree with the posts above.
Her being jealous is not a sign of hate, it's a sign of worry and insecurity.
It's likely that if she meets you, she will realise that you're another human being just like her, rather than whatever image she has in her head, and it will help her feel more secure about the relationship.

I wouldn't worry too much about her hating you. I think, providing the person is pretty stable (i.e. not crazy paranoid), it's difficult to hate someone that cares for the person they love and makes them happy.

Just be calm, be yourself and you'll be fine :)

LilacViolin 11-07-2012 04:57 PM

I've been in a similar situation, met her, and am so grateful I did. We're friends now, well, long-distance friends.

You never know until you meet her. Go someplace you're comfortable, realize that she's nervous too, and try to talk about other things besides your lover. Finding other interests makes the whole situation less tense.

Keep us updated?

Sannafrid 11-08-2012 05:46 PM

Thanks, everyone! I am meeting her tonight. She is coming to a weekly meditation group that her boyfriend and I attend sometimes. It'll be a relaxed, no-pressure environment. Depending on how we all feel afterwards, the three of us may go out for drinks or something. It looks like this will work out just fine. Thanks again.

NovemberRain 11-18-2012 06:53 AM

Any update? I'm dying to know how it went...
:D


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