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-   -   Telling younger kids (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3192)

otter 07-11-2010 10:00 PM

Telling younger kids
So I have a 13 year old son with Asburgers and a 10 year old daughter. Over the last week I have been talking to them about how do they feel when they see Mom hugging Wolf. Both where ok with that so next we talked about kissing. So far so good. Then the big one. How do they feel if Mom has a Boyfriend who she loves.
Son : "Are you leaving Dad, no, ok then what ever. "

Daughter: " No he is mean ( he love to tease her and she gives as good as she gets) "

So we talk about how you can have more then one best friend. She understood then asked " are you going to marry him". " Well that's up to him and would not be any time soon am sure. If we did it would be a Pagan ceremony because its not legal " I said. She thinks for a bit. Then said " ok you can date him as long as if you marry I get to be a flower girl".

So have any of you told your kids and how did they handle it?

SourGirl 07-11-2010 11:53 PM

Hi there,

Not meaning to correct, just to make sure I am understanding properly. You meant your son has been diagnosed with Aspergers ?

He is able to relate emotionally what you explained to him about love, and having more then one love ?

ASD including Aspergers, can have kids all over the scale as you know, I am sure. It will all depend on his ability to process, and relate back to you his true feelings.

As for your question,...no, for us, we do not talk to our kids about our personal life at all. Same way we wouldn`t talk to them about our kink life, or what my husband and I, like to do privately.

When they ask about their own lives,(and future) we talk about the various options available. We can then talk about how some people love in multiple, some only love one other. We try to give them a open, non-biased approach to life.

Once my children are older, if they were to ask directly, we will not hide nor pretend. We are not ashamed, just private.

Sounds like your kids had a very natural talk with you,.that is a great start :)

otter 07-12-2010 01:23 AM

Thank you. Yes my spelling is not the best and my Blackberry had no idea what I was try to say ;D

I would never talk about my kinks or sex life with my kids, but how else can you have a relationship with out your kids knowing something is up. He is not a person who I would sneak out to see and when he is around he is vary much part of our family. My kids have seen just about every walk of life when it comes to partners and when they ask I alway tell them if it works then should have every right to be happy.

redpepper 07-12-2010 03:38 AM

My son asked me this weekend what is the big deal about poly. Poly this and poly that. Okay we were at poly camp, so there was a lot to take in. I told him that we have chosen to be okay with loving more than one person in a girlfiend boyfriend way. That isn't what other people think is the right the thing to do, but we do and because that is unusual we get together to support each other. I told him that its about Mono and Nerdist being mummies loves and his family. We all love each other extra specially much and that feels right to us. I let him know he can decide whatever he wants and we would love him regardless. Its about feeling good and right when you love someone or someones.

SourGirl 07-12-2010 04:00 AM

Ahhh Yes,.... Then I am not very useful as 'advice'. :)

I won`t ever be living with a secondary, so it works a little different for us.

Hopefully, some of the forum members who have 'been there, done that' will be able to help you. :D

foxflame88 07-12-2010 05:27 AM

I haven't told my kids yet, but will when the time arises. I usually let them ask questions, and answer at their level of understanding.

swfltriad 07-24-2010 08:26 PM

We have told our oldest who is a young teen, we kind of had to since we all live together and sleep in the same bed. The younger ones just think they have more parents and don't get the concept yet. When they ask or when we think they're old enough we will talk to them.

You know your kids and if they are mature enough to handle the information. As for the child with Asbergers, that a tough one. Maybe consult the health care workers you take him to? Good Luck

Mohegan 07-25-2010 12:50 AM

As we don't have kids I can't say for sure how we'd handle it. But Karma and I have given it a lot of thought and conversation. I like to be prepared and don't want to find ourselves 10 yrs down the road going uh...now what? My parent were very open in some ways and very hidden in others, which I think is part of why it took me so long to become comfortable with who I am sexualy.

We've decided that we'll answer questions based on their level of understanding. Given that they'll most likely grow up with a poly lifestyle, it'll probably be a bit easier for us.

Karma's brother is 19 and has aspergers. He seems to get things on a logical level only. So using him as a base, I'd offer to answer any questions and leave it at that.

My early childhood education experience leads me to follow the belief that as long as children are comfortable and not made to feel things are "wrong" they will adapt and not usaly have an issue. If they feel safe in their environment they'll feel safe in asking questions.

I'd say got with your intuition and knowledge of your own kids. Approach things as they seem ready. Encourage questions and make sure they know that all parties love eachother and no one is leaving anyone.

SayYes 07-25-2010 04:46 AM

My daughter is almost 7, and we've never talked to her about it, but we also don't make any attempt to hide it. She's seen my boyfriend and I hold hands and kiss (only the variety of kisses that are appropriate in front of a child, of course). I don't think she really has a concept yet of what's "right" or "wrong" when it comes to those behaviors; she's seen me being affectionate with friends of both genders her whole life. If she starts asking questions or exhibiting any anxiety over it, I'll explain it in an age-appropriate way. But right now she doesn't seem to find anything strange or worrisome, and I think that's pretty neat.

TL4everu2 07-25-2010 01:57 PM

We decided to come out to our 18 y/o daughter and our 13 y/o son a few months back. We are pleased that we have brought up such grounded kids. Our daughter said "Thats nice. I figured something was up, but couldn't be sure till now. It's not for me, but it seems to work for you guy I guess. But mom, S? REALLY? S? Couldn't you do any better?" And we all laughed. Our son said "Whatever. It's your life, not mine."

So our kids know, and it's such a relief not to have to hide it from them anymore.

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