Accidentally Poly - The Karma Story.
So, where to start....
I never intended to be polyamorous. I guess that's a good place :)
I've been with Mohegan for 8 years now, married for 4. Our relationship has been something of a rollercoaster, as far as things like health, housing, and jobs go, but we've managed to hang on to each other in spite of all the crazy thrown our way... and in spite of me making some stupid decisions :)
I guess I should have figured out a long time ago that I was Poly, but the thought never occured to me. I was dating a girl when I was sixteen, and she called me up one day to tell me that she had kissed another guy the night before. I wasn't mad at all about the kissing, I was mad because now we 'had to' break up, because she had cheated on me and that's what was expected. I didn't think this was very fair, but I wasn't too sure what to do about it at the time. Later on in life, when I met Mohegan, I was dating a girl who is still a friend of mine today. I knew I had feelings for both of them, but wasn't sure what to do about it. My girlfriend encouraged me to pursue Mohegan, telling me that we'd still be friends, but that I'd regret it if I didn't.
Wow, was she right :)
Fast forward another 8 years or so. Mohegan and I were in a bad spot in a lot of ways. Our relationship was basically stagnating because of her health issues. We were no longer a couple, as muc has two people co-habitating. Add to this the fact that we were in a strage state that neither of us knew very well, with new people, and both of us were tackling college at the same time. This is a bad recipe if you're trying to fix a floundering relationship.
I decided to find Something Else (IE cute college girls) to fill the gaps in my life, primarily the sexual ones. This was not a smart plan, but I wasn't sure what else to do. Neither Mohegan or I were really communicating with each other, and I figured that what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.
Dumb idea, by the way :)
So, I had a string of 4 girls that I slept with behind her back. I enjoyed their company, but they were not much more than aquaintances, on an emotional level. I was completely OK with that - I informed every one of them exactly what I was doing, that my wife did not know, and that this was sex and only sex. No hurt feelings, no leading anyone on.
Then I met my current girlfriend.
I had no intention for her to be any different than any of the other flings I had up to this point. She had no intention of getting attached, either. Instead of sticking to a well-established plan we had both laid out, we fell fast and hard for each other. I am terrified of this, but I tell her how I feel. She told me she felt the same way......
...and it was only supposed to be a fling!! :)
So at this point, I'm beating the crap out of myself mentally. I mean, how could I be in love with two women at the same time? People just don't do that!! :D I spent a few months in limbo trying to deal with this. Finally, I came clean with Mohegan - after someone sent her a letter telling her that I'd been cheating on her all this time - about my girlfriend. It took forever for me to get over the fear that she would leave me, so I told her things in stages, little bite sized chunks that my brain could handle letting go of.
She was pissed. Not really about the cheating, but about the fact that I'd lied to her about it all. I hurt her pretty bad, and our marriage was on rocky ground for awhile.
Interestingly enough, when I told her that I was in love with another woman, she told me that I was an idiot for thinking that being married meant that I could only love one woman. She was far more accepting of this part of myself than I had been. I love that wife of mine, she's freakin amazing! :)
About a week after she found out about all the cheating I had done. Mohegan and I had a no-holds-barred discussion about our marriage. The only rules were no yelling, no interrupting, and no lying. It was tough on both of us... but we made it through, and I think our marriage is stronger now than it ever was, because that's the night we decided to really start communicating everything to each other.
As for my girlfriend... she's young, still learning a lot about herself, and carrying serious psychological damage from an ex that...... did something to her that I can't forgive any man for doing to a woman, and almost choked her to death in the process. She's struggling to break out of old patterns and thought processes, and I see an incredible, strong person underneath all the scars and fear. I love her fiercely, and I'm trying to let help her heal, and at the same time give her room to learn about who she is. She's made mistakes, and they hurt me, but not as much as they hurt her. I expect her to make mistakes though - how else do we learn?
So, yeah, I guess I'm 'accidentally' poly. :) I didn't go looking for this, but I can't deny that I'm completely in love with two women who are both amazing in their own unique ways, and also in many of the same ways. It's been confusing and crazy, but I can't really complain about where I'm at currently.
Just as long as we remember to communicate, and to learn from our mistakes, I think we'll all be OK.
That's a lovely story, really. My favorite kind of poly story, lol - people cheat and learn that the other wouldn't have minded if they'd been honest and they finally get communication open and the relationship comes out stronger than ever and they go on their way with a new significant other or two or ten...
I realize of course that there's much, MUCH more to it, but if there were various poly fairly tales, that one would be my favorite. It just strikes a chord with me. :)
Thank you for sharing that part of your story Karma. It is unnerving and exciting to figure yourself out finally. Realizations and epiphanies and new connections/reconnections and learning. It is a cool ride!
Quick questions for ya...I could probably go thru the other threads but I am waaaaay too lazy this weekend- was Mohegan poly before you? If so, why in the hell did you need to keep everything a secret? Just curious, not judging, I always wonder how things evolve or reveal themselves in relationships. Did you have cause to think you needed to cheat?
No, she was not. Well, at least not in practice - possibly in thought, but I think that both of us fall under that category. She'll have to answer fthat to be certain, though.
As to why I felt the need to cheat... I had thought that it was simply the need to get laid, as Mohegan's medical conditions make sex dificult at times. But I'm not so sure anymore. Mohegan's Wife and I were talking about a month ago, and she remarked that I tended to stray when I wasn't "feeling acknowledged". I didn't really give it much thought at the time, but right now, even though my gf and I aren't sleeping together, I just don't feel the need to cheat. Mohegan and I are doing great, relationship-wise. The gf and I are working on developing a real relationship instead of all the hiding and sneaking around we were doing (I HATE hiding someone that I care about from the world) as well as her issues from her past, and I guess that I have an over-abundance of "feeling acknowledged" from the two of them. :D
So anyway, at one point we had an open relationship, but then I got pretty sick with female issues and was affraid he'd leave so I did what made sense to me, take away the competition and the temptation so he won't leave. I clung and I clung hard, and then the string of cheating started.
So the more he cheated, the less I trusted. Everytime I started to trust again to be able to say lets try that again, he'd cheat again. I couldn't trust in the strength of what we had, b/c of all the lies, so I couldn't be okay with an open relationship.
There were a few guys, that had I known more and been in a different frame of mind, I prolly would have been polly earlier. Where Karma and I are now, had we had this openness years ago, things would have been different. But we live and learn.
I love my husband, but I know I can love others. Proven by my wife. So if someone comes along, I guess we'll see how it goes.
Got back from the Ohio trip last night.... ugh. We packed up and left Mohegan's parents house at 8 AM. We didn't get home until 10:30 PM.
I hate Pennsylvania. I think the whole damn state is constantly under construction, and no one who lives there drives anything but semis. Add in nasty, vicious cops and a speed limit that never goes over 55 mph.... it's the worst place ever for someone like me to drive.
The trip was kinda so-so. Got to unexpectly catch up with the ex who told me to pursue Mohegan 8 years ago, which was really cool. Talked one of my friends out of doing something that would have cost him his job and gotten him arrested, which was REALLY cool. Got to check out another friend's new deli/sub shop, he's making a killing but working his butt off, but the shop is amazing.
The rest of the trip was really boring, though.
Avoided dealing with my crazy family entirely. I am done being the parent to a 60 year old man, his 49 year old wife, and their two sons. If they can't handle life at this point, they'll never be able to, and that just isn't my problem anymore. My little brother got 2 years probation - so it didn't turn out too badly for him anyway. I really wasn't needed.
Mohegan wants to go back in six weeks for The Most Boring Wedding Of All Time. (Yes, that's a proper noun :D) I'm trying to convince her any way I can to just leave me here, but I doubt that it'll happen - I don't think she can make the drive by herself.
So yeah, I'm stuck going to the wedding of The Pretty Pretty Princess, who is probably the last person I'd be willing to spend any time with under normal circumstances.
I'm gonna need a lot of scotch for this...
Went out and fought at Darkon (the medeval re-enactment thing I do) today for the first time in almost three months, in nearly 100 degree weather. It felt really good, in spite of the oppressive heat. My old fighting partner moved back home from Chicago about a week ago, and we tore the field up together like we used to. Our baca-saito (idiot student for those who don't speak japanese) made us both proud today, and saved both of our asses quite a few times. All in all we were a dominating force - and kicking ass for the win is always fun, regardless of how much sweat you loose in the process :D
Got home to find dinner already on the stove -Awesome- and ate like a king. Now I'm gonna go spend some... ahem... "Quality Personal Time" with Mohegan, and loose some more sweat :D
I'd call this day a good one.
EDIT FOR MONDAY MORNING:
Oh my God, am I sore!! :)
Bruises have finally started surfacing from Sunday. I've got a nice purple one on the right side of the pelvic bone, and some nasty yellow-green ones on the underside of my right bicep (my sword arm, the underside takes some abuse :) ).
Spent most of today with the gf, after cleaning up with Mohegan. My living room is looking like a living room again, finally. Took gf out to a sushi place for dinner, treated her like a lady - holding doors, pulling out chairs, ect. - she tried to pay for her dinner!! Absurd :) I was having none of that, and she didn't argue too much. I think she secretly likes being pampered. :D
Her other boyfriend called midway through diner, asked if he could see her, since he'd been out of state all weekend. Even though it was "my" Wednesday with her, they hadn't seen each other in forever, and he was all respectful and stuff when he asked, so I was cool with it. We hung out on her back deck for awhile, just catching up and smoking. He even brought me a gift - not too sure what to make of that. He and I used to be friends awhile back.... is this a peace offering of sorts? What if I'm not ready to make peace just yet? What if I'm just being polite for her sake?
What if I'm not?
So not used to being the forgiving type, but I'm just not as angry with him as I was. He's the one who told Mohegan about me having cheated on her. I'd be OK with this, if he had done it for Mohegan's sake, but he didn't - he did it to try push me out of GFs life. He failed. Now he wants to apologize and make peace?
Not too sure what to make of this. Including my lack of anger.... confusing.
I think it may have something to do with your love for g/f. I still can't stand him and see no redeeming qualities. But that's me. I've been a lot more forgiving and understanding of g/f because you love her. I hold hope that I'll eventualy see the reasons you love her. I getting there faster than I imagined. I think it may be the same for you and him. Because you love her, you're trying to see him through her eyes. It's hard to remember why you dislike someone when they are killing you with kindness. Maybe he is changing. Maybe he was so lost in love that the only way he knew to try and keep her was to be all crazy psycho stalker freak, or maybe that's just who he is and right now he doesn't have to show it.
I'm glad you were the better man and let him invade your time. It shows her you're trying to be attentive to the needs of the group as a whole and not being selfish, as he is.
You're lack of anger comes from realizing he's not a threat. It's not oooo you're the big bad, it's that, you don't have to compete the way he does. You don't have to put on the big shows he does. She loves you for you and you recognize that.
Your wife is wise.
Y'all's story is really interesting. Thanks for sharing!
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