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Imperfect 07-06-2010 05:30 AM

Imperfect's Blog

Originally Posted by hurt (Post 34389)
well me and my wife have been together for ten years now. We have two children together. About a year ago she told me she still had feelings for an old boy friend from high school. I am normaly not jelious so i had no problem letting her talk to him. now two weeks ago she decieded to fly a 1000 miles to see him. I have never cheated on her, and she has never cheated on me, but I know they have been spending nights together becouse she told me so. All I do is lay awake at night hateing myself for letting her go. The thought of her holding him kills me. I dont know if I will ever be the same. She told me about this web site and told me this is how she feels and how she wants to be. I am not , but I am not comfertable with it. She is telling me everything will be fine, but I dont see how.I dont want to loss my wife and family. If anyone has any advice I would appretiate it.

Hello Everyone, I am hurt's wife and I thought I should add some additional information on our situation. Both hurt and (L) came into my life while I was pretty young. I was with hurt

for almost 2 years before we broke it off. During that time I started dating L, he is someone that I had known for many years and had been friends before hurt and I were ever

together. The relationship that we had was great; he was there for me when I was going through my hard spots. The only problem that we had was that I couldn’t shake my love for

hurt even though I loved L very much. I was young and unaware of how to deal with the love for both of them. I felt that I had to make a choice, you can’t love and be with them

both so I decided that since I had a longer romantic history with hurt and if I couldn’t shake the love I felt for him than he must be who I needed to choose. Hurt and I got back

together, married; we now have two beautiful children 6 and 8. Hurt is a wonderful husband and father. And other than this current issue, we sync pretty well with each other. I

have always told him that L was a great guy and I had always felt bad for him, being as how he himself had done nothing to warrant me leaving him to get back with hurt. I have

pushed back my feelings L for the last 10 years, being so busy as a stay at home Mom and wife. Now, the kids are a bit older and I have more time to think about me and the things

in my head. I wanted to know how L was doing in life and to know if he was married and how many kids he had. I just wanted to know that he was doing ok and that he was happy.

Hurt and I have always had excellent communications skills, we talked about finding him and he was supportive of me looking L up. Last year I found him and went to see him for the

first time. I never imagined how the feelings would hit me when I did see him and look into his eyes. I saw and felt the love through his eyes. I knew I still loved him and that he still

loved me. Our visit was strictly platonic, we talked about hurt and our children, and about both of our lives over the last 10 years. L is not married and has no children. I went to visit

him once more and to visit with his sister, again everything was kept friendly. After that 2nd trip he seemed to disappear, he wouldn’t take my calls, or speak to me. His sister finally

got him to tell her why, and his response was that he could tell that there was still feelings between us and didn’t want to cause problems between hurt and I or our children. So for

the last year I have backed off other than my reunited friendship with his sister, who has turned into one of my best friends. I ask how he is doing and she tells me when he asks the

same. When I made the plans for a visit back to my home state to spend some time with her and let our kids spend time with their grandma’s; she told me that he said he may stop by

and visit with me. I have been torn for the last year because I know he still loves me too, even though he was trying to protect hurt and my kids. I love hurt and don’t want to lose

him but the thoughts of L were driving me insane. During the last year while searching what to do and how to choose between lovers; I found this forum. Even though it goes against

everything I know, I am a very open minded person, the thought of being poly was like a dream. I wasn’t alone in wanting to love them both and not have to choose or risk splitting

up my family. This is what I want. Hurt gave me permission for this trip and to be free to love L in anyway that felt right to me, that is if L did decide to see me during my visit. L

did come to see me and I told him how I still loved him and that at the same time I still loved hurt. We talked for hours and he understands to the best of his ability about what I

want. He knows I have no plans to leave hurt, but I can’t make myself stop loving him….I have tried. He is willing to accept my love even knowing that he will never have it all. I know

that hurt was really hoping that L would not show and that he would be my only option. He is in so much pain and I’m the cause. I have done my best during these last two weeks to

tell him how much I love him and even with L near me, it hasn’t changed how I feel about him. I have spent a large amount of the time I am with L, talking on the phone to hurt so

that he knows I’m still thinking of him. I still set an alarm and call him at 6:30am when he has to get up for work, I talk to him online. I’m really trying not to be a bad person through

all of this. We had a DADT in place just until I was home and could discuss things face to face, but he broke DADT and asked if we had spent the night together. I couldn't lie, that is

something I don't do. So now he is hurting more and I'm not there to hold him. Tomorrow is the last day of my visit, and I have split my time between our family and L and his sister. I

was surprised that he posted to the forum, I had stored it in the favorites and asked him to read some of the post to see things from all sides, but up until I left he hadn’t done so. I

hadn’t even posted on our situation, I have just been reading and educating myself and hurt about being poly. I love them both and I guess I always have, I don’t want to choose, I

can’t. I know you all will have great input and advice so thank you all in advance.

MonoVCPHG 07-06-2010 05:40 AM

I don't have any advice I'm afraid. But I do want to welcome you to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I'm sure some one will have valuable input to what you are going through.

Take care

MrRusty 07-06-2010 05:42 AM

Imperfect - you made me cry! Thanks for expressing your feelings so well. It will really help us to put words to our feelings.

Imperfect 07-06-2010 06:05 AM


Originally Posted by MrRusty (Post 34768)
Imperfect - you made me cry! Thanks for expressing your feelings so well. It will really help us to put words to our feelings.

Rusty, thank you for the compliment. I took forever trying to get my thoughts put into words that might make since to anyone. This is all so hard. My heart wants someting that could break someone I truely love, but if I ignore my heart, I feel like I will break.

redpepper 07-06-2010 06:26 AM

thanks for posting, I don't blame you for loving more than one, but you need to get a hold of that. You are not the only one who has been in love and it isn't the end of the world. I really think you need to take the emotion out of the situation and think about it with a clear mind.

I know, I know, that is hard and you are in love.... I get that I have been there. But you need to! bottom line is that you need to back up and take a breath.

I really strongly recommended that you don't go to this guy, but he come to you. He needs to know and so do you that you are dealing with three of you! Not two. You should never of done the don't ask don't tell thing in my opinion and should of all got together before going any further...

Now you have gone a different route that is more difficult but not the end of the world... it would of been easier the other way. But...

now I would suggest getting the men together, let them get to know each other and see where that goes. Your husband is going to have a very hard time now with this as you have been touched by another man... he felt very strongly about that and you have broken a sacred bond for him. It needs patching and healing for a long time before he will be able to be fine with your sleeping with this man again... or you possibly!

of course this is all my opinion, but for what it's worth, I have a lot of experience in fucking up and there is a lot I would change to get where I am today.

redpepper 07-06-2010 06:28 AM


Originally Posted by Imperfect (Post 34775)
My heart wants someting that could break someone I truely love, but if I ignore my heart, I feel like I will break.

You didn't need to ignore your heart to do this a better way...

(stupid stupid NRE ....:mad: it isn't useful to humans who are poly, it needs to evolve out of us now please...! )

Hurt, my heart is breaking for you. It really is. It's you I cry for. Mostly because I have done the same shit as imperfect before I knew better...

Imperfect 07-08-2010 04:13 PM

Well I wrote a huge reply the other day and when I tried to spell check it, it erased my post. So here I go again, if I can remember how I worded everything. Under the circumstances I don't think that a get together with the three of would have worked. L hadn't spoken to me in almost a year. He had been afraid of coming in between Hurt and myself. He didn't want to tear apart my family or hurt my children. I understand his worries and that is a mono perspective; a divide is what would normally would happen when you try to add someone new to a mono relationship. I had to get him face to face, to tell him I still love him and that I love hurt too, and that I had no plans of leaving hurt or breaking apart my family. He need to know that! He doesn't want to be a homewrecker.He now knows all of my feelings and the situation, and he isn't and doesn't want to avoid me anymore. Great for me and painful for Hurt.

I do realize that a 2 week visit was a bit long to be away from Hurt under the circumstances, but it isn't the way is seems. L lives in our (hurt, me, our kids) home state. All of our family is there and I couldn't take the kids to FL for a fast weekend trip. They wouldn't get to spend any time with the family. Leaving them wasn't an option either as I don't have anyone to watch them when I'm away. I split my time between L and his sister's and my family. The only reason I knew how L was feeling was from my newly reunited friendship with his sister. I found her when I found him and previously had a good relationship with L's whole family. I was at the hospital the day his sister second son was born and it was nice to see her as well as the rest of the family.

I do believe that I have NRE pretty well in check. Things wern't all lovie dovie,. I talked to hurt about 5 times a day, spent time online and over the webcam. I set my alarm for 6:30 am and talked to him before work, even when I was with L. I made every effort to show him love while I was away. I know Hurt was in a lot of pain and when he is sad, I am sad...when he is hurting, I feel his pain. esp now that I am the cause. I took a lot of time away from L to try and comfort Hurt. I am not perfect, I am human. I got home late last night and I know Hurt wasn't looking at me the same, he is at work today so we haven't had a chance to really sit down and talk as of yet.

As for the DADT, that was mutualy agreed apon, and was only until I was home and we could talk face to face. I didn't want him to be in pain or hurt and me not be able to hold him and look into his eyes while I tell him I love him. I don't think the phone is an appropiate way to tell someone such deep information.

I know he isn't much for posting on website, but I know he will read and hope that he will decide to post again. I think is will help him to see from the many different views on here. I know it helps me. I tried to encourage him to keep busy while I was gone, and visit some friends. He didn't he stayed at home and sulked the whole time. I just hope he will feel a little better with the kids and I home.

sage 07-08-2010 07:02 PM

I agree, can someone please split these threads and give Imperfect her own? Or maybe imperfect you could just start up your own thread/blog whatever.

I do have a lot of sympathy for you imperfect, it does sound like you are trying to do all the right things. Your last paragraph was a bit telling though "....he just stayed at home and sulked". Come on...sulking is something kids do when they aren't allowed enough play station time. What Hurt is going through is monumentally different.

I know it's hard for both of you and I know it's really difficult watching someone you love in pain knowing you're the cause. But don't try and reduce his pain to sulking. When you're going through something like this smiling through parties or being with other people and not completely disintegrating is just too hard in the very beginning. If your child died how would you feel if someone said "I told her to go out and have fun but she just stayed home and sulked"?

You think that's an exaggeration? Hurt may not have lost you (entirely) but he has lost his vision of your life together; he has no idea or control really of where this could end up. His marriage as he knew is dead and that requires a grieving process.

Yes you are working hard, yes you are in love and you probably feel like he's ruining it for you and not trying hard enough. Polyamory is hard but healthy work, don't give up, but this is going to push you both further than you ever thought you could possibly go. I feel for you both.

redpepper 07-08-2010 08:05 PM

I agree, imperfect could make her own blog or thread. She can cut and paste her own stuff to do that and leave the post she wrote here.

Imperfect 07-09-2010 05:18 AM


Originally Posted by immaterial (Post 35190)
What your wife is up to really doesn't sound like polyamory at all. It sounds like she is "having an affair." And dressing it up as poly. This might sound completely out of line and take it with a huge grain of salt, but I think you should be researching good divorce lawyers, not polyamory.


Wow that comes off a bit harsh. I came to this forum with confusion over my feelings and even asked my husband to read here as well. The only thing I'm sure of is my feelings of love for two people and wanting to make it work. I wouldn't choose to love more than one person, it is causing a lot of pain and stress for both Hurt and myself. But the truth is 10 years into marriage I realized I also still have love in my heart for someone from my past along with the love I have for my husband. I personally don't like the poly label as I would never, nor have I ever just felt like I wanted or needed to have more than one person to be happy, until now. If I could give my whole heart to Hurt I would and thought I had for many years, I didn't know I left a piece behind 10 years ago, until I looked L in the eyes. How is that an affair? I guess my thoughts and feelings are safer to stay in my own head than on here. I bash myself for my complex feelings on loving more than one for the last year, I didn't need it here as well.

As per my last post....maybe sulking was not a good choice of words. But after all of the reading I have done on here for the past few months a large amout of advice for those in Hurt's shoes, is to try and occupy yourself, maybe with a hobby or friends. That is what I had tried to get him to do. I don't discredit his feelings but I wanted him to not sit here alone & drinking, it isn't healthy. I tried to encourage him to do something, anything to help pass the time.

I guess the census is that I should ignore the love in my heart for L and force my heart to only love Hurt...I tried that for a year, it isn't that easy. I have tried to push back my feelings but then I feel sad and close myself off from the world. I don't do well when I have to keep things in, makes me feel like I'm being dishonest.

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