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-   -   how do I get past this? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31692)

jones 11-04-2012 07:58 PM

how do I get past this?
 
hi everyone, ( nearly a month ago) we heard via text my gf and her partner wanted to break up with me and G, heartbroken and numb was how I felt, I fought to get to them to see us, to be ignore... J would only text G but only text me to shout at me, I am not over them both but I keep really a mix of love and hate for her, everything she has done to me. I have started to this girl it wasn't looked for but not rejected, she is coming to see me at the weekend, but here are my worries:

what if she meets G, they fall in love
she becomes more interested in him than me (happened with J and G)
he lies again

I don't want them meeting, I am unfair to do this?

I am so scared at being hurt again, am I in the wrong wanting her all to myself because of the past.

GalaGirl 11-04-2012 08:00 PM

Could you and G both agree to date separate people? At least for a time since you had a recent experience where dating the same person was so terrible? Then you can relax with that agreement in place.

He could feel an attraction but he DOES NOT have to do anything about it or act on it you know. Esp if he's got agreements to meet with you.

Is he trustworthy or not?

Galagirl

jones 11-04-2012 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 164118)
Could you and G both agree to date separate people? At least for a time since you had a recent experience where dating the same person was so terrible? Then you can relax with that agreement in place.

He could feel an attraction but he DOES NOT have to do anything about it or act on it you know. Esp if he's got agreements to meet with you.

Is he trustworthy or not?

Galagirl

Hi galagirl,

thanks for replying, both G and L( the girl) have said that if I don't want G there they are happy but part of me wants her to myself but the other part of me wants me and G to have a relationship with her, at certain parts of our relationship with J was lovely but then the lies and the mess ruined it all, it has made it really hard to think about trusting him again.

when he told J he loved her, he didn't tell me first (as I asked him too), I asked him if he loved her and he said he didn't know but he already told her at this point, he has said that L is very pretty and I know she is and I am happy with him thinking this.

I could see myself caring L, this scares me a little and makes me sad because if J was still my gf I know this would make her jealous and sad ( I would not want this you understand) but now I know she isn't here to have these feelings and it makes me cry.

I am sad to say I am unsure if he is, would he do it again and lie? I don't think he will but I thought this the first time.

maybe I am going to fast, thinking about seeing with another girl that isn't my J breaks my heart but I can't let this girl down because I am a emotional wreak.

GalaGirl 11-05-2012 12:13 AM

Quote:

maybe I am going to fast, thinking about seeing with another girl that isn't my J breaks my heart but I can't let this girl down because I am a emotional wreak. but I can't let this girl down because I am a emotional wreak.
I would gently suggest that you could think about reframing that as...

"What kind of partner am I offering to be for this girl when I am an emotional wreck? I need to put my own needs first before I can offer to be a healthy whole person to anybody."
If you still feel that broken over J right now, perhaps your energies are best spent healing self? Don't date.

Or if this is just a first date to help air you out and move away from the previous wacky -- stop putting so much on it. Can't it just be

"I go out on a single date and enjoy it for what it is? A nice time? "
If you mentally load this date up with all the baggage from previous, it points to needing to do more self care first. Try not to project all this anxiety/worry from "the old thing" on to "not even a new thing yet."

YKWIM? Be willing to put YOU first and your healing, health and well being first.

Galagirl

jones 11-05-2012 07:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 164146)
I would gently suggest that you could think about reframing that as...

"What kind of partner am I offering to be for this girl when I am an emotional wreck? I need to put my own needs first before I can offer to be a healthy whole person to anybody."
If you still feel that broken over J right now, perhaps your energies are best spent healing self? Don't date.

Or if this is just a first date to help air you out and move away from the previous wacky -- stop putting so much on it. Can't it just be

"I go out on a single date and enjoy it for what it is? A nice time? "
If you mentally load this date up with all the baggage from previous, it points to needing to do more self care first. Try not to project all this anxiety/worry from "the old thing" on to "not even a new thing yet."

YKWIM? Be willing to put YOU first and your healing, health and well being first.

Galagirl


thanks galagirl,

you are right and you always are in my eyes, I will take it slow if she cares she will understand, I need to learn that not everywomen will hurt me, I also need to heal and G is going to try and see J tonight (she doesn't know he is going) I am not sure how it will end, he knows I don't want him to go. :/


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