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-   -   monogamous or just insecure? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31687)

genebean 11-04-2012 05:25 PM

monogamous or just insecure?
Hey all,

I am having a really tough time with all of this and really confused about my feelings on the matter...let me start off by saying that polyamory scares and intrigues me, it's something that is different and exciting and new but also something that means confronting long since established demons, and having the person you love and have put so much energy into whispering sweet nothings into another's ear, constantly wondering if you are just "the back up plan" or the "sure thing"

As far as I have heard, once you overcome the insecurity polyamory is something that is easily (or atleast possible to) accomplish and is very fulfilling..i mean this all sounds great in theory, who doesn't want to vanquish insecurity and live a life with multiple loves? But where is the line between something that makes you a little uncomfortable and something that is just not a part of who you are?

I am wracking my brain trying to define all this and I am curious as to how others (poly or mono) found they could or just could not. As to how all this applies to me, I would very much like to have both feminine and masculine energy sexually and otherwise in my life so it seems by default that poly would be the thing for me...but in practice, it makes me question the validity of our love/relationship and makes me feel like I am not good enough in my partner's eyes.

any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

SlowlySideways 11-04-2012 06:32 PM

This is exactly where I am at the moment, was about to post the same question, thanks Genebean!!

genebean 11-04-2012 06:51 PM

:) happy to help. *hugs* heres hoping we both find our answers.

LovingRadiance 11-04-2012 06:53 PM

I always loved more than one. Resolving insecurities didnt factor into deciding if i was poly or not. I knew i was. Resolving insecurity is simply a step in self-improvement.
Likewise, my boyfriend has only ever loved one. He also ISN'T insecure. But not being insecure has no bearing on his being mono. Just makes him an easier and happier lover.

genebean 11-04-2012 07:15 PM

I see. That makes sense, but what I mean to say with my question is that some people (a good portion of the population I'd say) just cannot be okay with the person they are committed to being involved with others..i understand that there are a few not so valid reasons for this (societal pressure, insecurity) but where do you draw the line between these factors that can be overcome and genuinely needing a closed relationship?

Is it all just insecurity?

GalaGirl 11-04-2012 08:12 PM


Is it all just insecurity?
No. Some of it is preferences and resources. It is not all about "insecurity."

I feel wired for poly. Had it for a while. Then didn't for a while. Why? It isn't because my capacity to love others went away. I've been crushing on people all along! But I did not act on seeking new partners and still do not because my resources are tapped right now. I'm good where I'm at.

Various things affect willingness and dating life besides inner emotional state (ex: insecure, self esteeem, etc) or personal preference/wiring (monoamorous, polyamorous, something else).

Non human resources -- money access (takes some to date!), material goods access (car? bus? bike?), community resources access (where I live can affect dating ability - where one can go or do on a date)

Human resources -- time, energy, attitude, leadership, communication / conflict resolution skills all go in that bucket.

Everyone has a different saturation point and there is nothing wrong with keeping it at 1 (just you ) or 2 (you and one partner) if that is where it is for you.

There is nothing wrong with monoamory. There is nothing wrong with polyamory.

But I would not go off to any new partnered things without making time to assess myself for readiness -- and that could include working on getting secure if "insecurity" was a problem for me. If already partnered, getting a sense of how welcoming they'd be of a change in the configuration because changes in my life affect them too and things may need renegotiation.

Don't know if that helps.


MeeraReed 11-07-2012 07:44 PM

I think that if you feel like you really WANT to be with a partner who has other partners, and really WANT your partner to love someone else, then you can overcome whatever insecurities that are getting in your way.

If you don't really WANT to have poly relationships, then you don't need to choose to do so, even if the idea of poly is a little bit appealing.

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