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-   -   New and need help... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31637)

Kat1 11-04-2012 06:52 AM

New and need help...
So, my fiance decided he wants to be poly and I am okay with that. I have made it clear that he can have other relationships but boundaries need to be set until I feel more comfortable and get used to it. I came into the relationship thinking it would just be me and him and only recently had he brought this up. He wants a guy partner and a toy partner and I said okay to that. I asked him if I happened to find a girl partner that I had interest in, would I be able to pursue a relationship with her, he said it was okay and then asked if I wanted a triad. I knew it wasn't a good idea because 3 way relationships are harder to build. He hasn't let me really explain this. Then tonight, he got in contact with an old friend that was FWB with him and said he still has feelings for her, of course this hurt me because I haven't had enough time to really process him wanting to be poly and find out that he likes another girl. I asked him if really did want me in case he was hinting at the idea of breaking up and going to her and he easily said no, that he wants both of us but he will always love me more and doesn't want to lose me. After calming down, I suggested that I sleep on it and get back to him tomorrow about it so I'm calm and had time to settle down. I realize that you can't help having feelings for someone but he keeps saying he's confused because he wants to be poly but doesn't want to hurt me or lose me even though I gave him permission to be. Long story short, I'm confused because he's confused. Help :(

Derbylicious 11-04-2012 03:03 PM

How long have the 2 of you been talking about poly? You say that you need boundaries to be comfortable. What are those boundaries? Have you made them clear to your fiancee? Is he comfortable with them? It sounds to me like the 2 of you need some more time talking things through before embarking on any new relationships.

Could you be comfortable (for now) with the former FWB and your fiancee having online contact only? Would you be more comfortable if (with her permission) he shared the content of those converstions with you? Sorry about all the questions and the lack of any real answers.

Kat1 11-05-2012 05:45 AM

well now he told me today that hes actually over this girl n that he just wants me now.

GalaGirl 11-05-2012 05:51 AM

You guys know you can just TALK about this stuff for a while, right? Nobody has to jump in the sack with anyone else just yet or rush into threesomes?
Nobody ever died from taking it easy and going slow. Where's the fire? What's the rush?

Spend some time reading together and learning what you both envision and see that you speak the same language about what sorts of open model relationships appeal and do not appeal. Do you even match UP in your polyamory style? Just being open to polyamory in general alone means nothing. What are the details? Expectations? Wants? Needs? Limits?

Maybe these could help you talk to each other?


If this is going to be part of your married life -- you might consider a long engagement too to help talk out "future building a life together" kinds of goals. How does raising poly children (if you want kids) play into it? What about sharing family holidays with your poly peeps? Time management? Financial resources? Other?

If it doesn't work out, it's easier to undo an engagement than a marriage. So don't rush into poly or marriage here. Both are major undertakings. Do you know the stress scale? Some things in life just happen. We do not choose when. We CAN choose WHEN we open up and WHEN we get married though. Don't pile stuff on all at one time.

Go into this with full information and eyes wide open. It can be a lovely thing, or it can be a messed up thing. It's all on you guys and how you choose to navigate.


Kat1 11-05-2012 05:04 PM

Thanks for all your help, and I know we wouldn't have to rush it. That's what I was trying to tell him because it seemed like he was rushing into it but as for right now, he said he's over this girl and he just wants me, I didn't say anything to make him make that decision, he decided himself. Thanks so much for the help, I really do appreciate it.

GalaGirl 11-05-2012 05:10 PM

Maybe he's just all excited about new possibilities?

It's ok to feel excited. Enjoy it with each other! Fantasize all the "what if" fun you want.

But don't make any real life decisions in giddy, excited states. That's all.


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