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-   -   Feeling petty - does anyone understand? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31634)

Coraline 11-04-2012 05:36 AM

Feeling petty - does anyone understand?
I've been bothered my something really silly that happened yesterday, and I feel small and petty about it. I'm hoping to get a grip, but am having trouble doing it on my own.

I very briefly dated a guy who's engaged. Eventually, he and his fiance started couple dating with me and my bf (though the couple dating was basically platonic). I lost interest in the other guy eventually, but my bf started developing a bit of a relationship with the other woman. They chat very often, and have gone on a couple of dates. I think she has really started to get attached to him.

Long story short, her fiance has apparently asked her not to date my bf anymore, but I think she's struggling with this since she's gotten a bit attached to him. Well, that's beside the point. What I'm upset about is this - the four of us met up recently for dinner. My guy was coming from work and meeting us at the restaurant. I got there before him and had a drink with the couple. Then he arrived. It was the other guy who saw him first, and he waved and said, hey, there's J!. Immediately, the other girl gets up all excited and starts walking toward the door, cutting me off as I was getting up to go see him. Eventually, as I continued to try to get to him before her, she got the message and backed off. The whole thing lasted a mere few seconds, so we weren't exactly wrestling on the floor. He and I hadn't seen each other all day, and, like a lot of couples, it's our routine to say hello, get a hug, give a kiss, etc.

Writing this, I see how silly the whole thing was, which just makes me more confused about why I feel so annoyed with her.

Along the same lines, recently my bf and I were shopping for our wedding rings (we're getting married next month) and he was texting the other girl the whole time. I didn't mind so much that he was texting her - it was the idea that maybe she knew he was texting her while shopping for a wedding ring with me. I actually asked him not to tell her we were shopping for rings. I was concerned she might get the wrong idea. Similarly, his phone died yesterday while he was texting me. The girl started texting me later, and I told her, oh, if you were talking to J, I just want to let you know his phone has died. So she wouldn't think he was ignoring her. Then I thought, what if his phone hasn't died and he's still talking to her? She's going to think he likes her more. Which is silly, because he is marrying me and seems to have only a casual interest in her.

Does anyone have any idea what all this is about???

LovingRadiance 11-04-2012 06:58 PM

Possessive jealousy.

ahpook33 11-04-2012 08:08 PM

Hi Coraline -

Obviously you recognize that this is jealousy, as you said you were feeling petty. I struggle with jealousy myself too. I just hope you receive more input and helpful suggestions. I have found that the most frequent posters here can sometimes be the least understanding and just flat out dismissive. Honestly it has kept me from posting here more often. Good luck to you.

jones 11-04-2012 08:36 PM

hi hun, yes this jealously, but are you happy in your relationship? set times where they don't text and if a secondary partner went to hug and welcome my partner before I got the chance I would feel the same.


judi xx

Hannahfluke 11-04-2012 10:20 PM

The part that would have irritated me the most is him texting with her while you were ring shopping. If it was my husband or my boyfriend I would have been angry at them. It's not even about them texting their other partner. It's the fact that he wasn't completely present with me. My husband is addicted to his smart phone. He loves constantly checking Facebook, his email, games he plays with friends, etc. I've talked to him about how constantly being on his phone when he's with me makes me feel like he's not focused on me and doesn't really care about what we're doing. And if we were wedding ring shopping, it would offend me even more. We're doing this thing that is supposed to be all about us and he isn't completely present.

I don't have any advice other than making certain times just about you and him, no phones allowed. I hope it helps though to know that someone else would feel irritated about it too.


BoringGuy 11-04-2012 10:44 PM

Is this about his relationship with the other person, or his relationship with the phone?

I get annoyed when Spouse is paying more attention to the phone when I need attention, regardless of who or what is on the other end of the phone. I don't have a problem when it's Spouse's other SO, so much as with the phone itself. OSO is a person, and if they need to talk about something, the phone is the obvious way to do that when they can't do it in person. BUt the phone is an object - I'd be just as annoyed about being ignored for Scrabble (or Lexilicious or Words With Friends or whatever they call it this week) if I needed my partner's attention instead. That's just how I am; other people might distinguish differently.

LovingRadiance 11-04-2012 10:54 PM

I wasn't being dismissive.
I was answeing the direct question.

BoringGuy 11-04-2012 11:13 PM


Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 164135)
I wasn't being dismissive.
I was answeing the direct question.

You're supposed to constantly be second-guessing yourself and censoring who you are in case there's someone out there who has issues with their own self-confidence and lack of ability to say what they are thinking around others.

LovingRadiance 11-05-2012 05:12 AM

Oh shit! I must have forgotten-again. It wwould be impossible for anyone to actually go read any of the thousands of posts I've written, detailing at great length how to identify and manage jealousy, insecurity and personal boundaries.
My bad. :p

GalaGirl 11-05-2012 05:40 AM


I actually asked him not to tell her we were shopping for rings
Is this the right thing though?

Would you have felt better and have been better served if you had stated your need as "Please be PRESENT with me when we are doing marriage related tasks on our date here." That seems to be a possible unarticulated need to me. She could know you are ring shopping or car washing or whatever... but if he is PRESENT with you doing it instead of phone distracted -- Would you feel better?

Could maybe seeing her get all crushy at the restaurant have triggered that same emotional response? Like... "There she goes again leaking over. When is my air time alone with him with him present with me?" even though its a different scenario?


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