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-   -   My primary has a new partner... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3155)

honeysprite 07-06-2010 10:11 PM

My primary has a new partner...
We aren't that new to this but after he was intimate with him for the first time, I found out that they didn't use protection. :eek:

To say that I freaked out is the understatement of the year. I went call kinds of angry to hurt to then uberhurt. How could this person that is supposed to think about me first and foremost not consider me? He says that he didn't know that his new lover didn't have a condom on. I refuse to take that as an excuse. :mad:

I'm trying to get over this but the violation of trust is overwhelming. Plus, I won't be intimate with him until everyone is tested. Plus, it does put a damper on the mood.

Any suggestions? Thoughts?

electra 07-06-2010 10:32 PM

I Think I would feel the same way. DH recently had unpro w/ someone. I know what you mean, angry and hurt, and why would he do that when you are his primary.

Absolutely wait for testing. This is serious stuff folks. Also some STDs have window, so they recommend waiting three months to make sure, then get tested again.

Sorry you were hurt and hope you can work this out as best as possible.

vandalin 07-07-2010 01:56 AM

Ditto, I'd be pretty pissed off too. And ok, so I'm not into anal, but even with vaginal intercourse you can tell there is a slight difference between condom and no condom.

Wait for the tests, and insist that they do nothing more until everyone is tested, not just you. Then it's talk and try to trust again if you feel he is worth it. Take your time and don't force yourself to feel something you aren't ready to yet.

Good luck

foxflame88 07-07-2010 02:06 AM

I understand the anger and distrust... but *I* personally would take *some* comfort in the fact that he told you. At least he didn't hide it from you. ((hugs))

luckygirl 07-16-2010 03:44 PM

So, do you and your primary have an agreed upon safe sex rule, and did your primary tell his new lover about this rule?

If you did, and he did, and homeboy still didn't wrap it up, then said new partner possibly has his own agenda and isn't interested in respecting the rules of the game.

If your primary didn't tell him, I would wonder if possibly he was uncomfortable about communicating clearly and honestly with a new partner.

Both of those scenarios would be pretty significant red flags to me; the first that this new lover doesn't really have your best interest and your primary's at heart, and the second, that your primary isn't really ready for poly and the super-clear communication that it takes. If you didn't have such a rule, might I suggest that you both make a very clear list of boundaries that you have in negotiating the poly swamplands. My newly-poly partner and my not-exactly-ok-with-it self just did this, and I feel a little safer for it.

I'd be pretty interested in the circumstances that led to this, if it were me.
At any rate, I support you in not having sex with him until everyone is
tested. STDs are a HUGE issue for me in negotiating my own relationship, and I understand how you must be feeling.

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