Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   surviving a long distance relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3148)

otter 07-06-2010 04:54 PM

surviving a long distance relationship
A little back ground. A man who I have been in love with for 15 years in now back in my life. Before now we never had a relationship just a couple 3 somes my Husband had set up over 9 years ago. This weekend with lots of fear I told him how I felt. He was vary open to my love and while he does not love me the same way in return, he does feel deeply for me. We rekindled a physical relationship and on Monday he went home 8 hours away.

Now here's my problem. He does not need me mooning over him daily. I am not a teenager I should be strong in knowing he does care for me and not need the constant reassurance. Its sounds good but he has been gone for less then 24 hours and I just want to call and talk to him so bad. He told me I can call him anytime. He has not put a limit on it. This is me trying to give him space so he can think about a lot of stuff that we talked about. He is also looking to move (down in his town). He really does not need me calling all the time.

Its not like I am alone. I have a amazing husband who is vary OK with this, almost more then I am. I am still after 15 years asking my self how this happened and why I can not be like so many others and be happy with just my husband.

Anyways, how do some of you guys handle long distance relationships? How do you handle not being able to reassure your self everything is ok?

X-User1335 07-06-2010 05:01 PM

The long distance thing is hard. We're going through that right now with our girlfriend.

You just always have to tell yourself that trust is the building blocks for a relationship........without it, the relationship won't ever work. So if something is bugging you, you just have to talk about it and get it out of your system. It typically ends up being something with no value to it at all anyway! LOL!

Long distance is hard, anyone who's ever done it knows how difficult it can be.

I don't really have any advice, just wanted to say that you're not alone!

Ariakas 07-06-2010 05:06 PM


Originally Posted by otter (Post 34835)
Anyways, how do some of you guys handle long distance relationships? How do you handle not being able to reassure your self everything is ok?

Trust in what your partner has told you :)

Also, contact even little bits helps. Keep in touch. Hopefully he will do the same. Figure out what you need to keep yourself re-assured

one thing I would recommend against, don't make set times for contact. Let it be fluid, if you have set times and something gets missed, you may feel hurt or resentful.

redpepper 07-06-2010 07:44 PM

I suggest that you do a search on LDR's on here. There have been some recent threads that might help.

I, personally would not put the time and effort in. They don't fulfill my needs even remotely. I just end up aching, lonelier and the NRE lasts way to long.

Really it sounds like any other new relationship to me. There are kinks to work out and NRE to go through just as anyone who lived close to you. Perhaps reading on here in terms of other related topics will help.

otter 07-06-2010 07:44 PM


You would think after talking to him and telling him how I felt and him accepting it and is willing to work something out I would not feel so insecure today. I just feel lost and not sure what to do next. There needs to be a self help book on this.

foxflame88 07-06-2010 07:53 PM

Communication makes long distance easier for me... it isn't daily, but it is often. At random times... sometimes just a quick "I'm thinking of you" sometimes we talk for hours.

While I don't like the distance (neither does he), we are working on an eventual plan to be closer, without rushing into it.

otter 07-06-2010 08:09 PM

There was talk about may be him moving up here in the next year or so. His family lives in the area so I am hope full, but not hanging my happiness on it.

If I had a choice I would not have a long distance relationship, but I have been in love with this guy for over 15 years. I am just happy I could now talk to him about it.

Sometime I wonder if what I am is poly? I have no wish or desire to go out and find any one else. I love my two guys and have no need to look else where. May be I am Bimono. :D.

redpepper 07-06-2010 08:12 PM

Haha! Bimono! That's awesome! :D

otter 07-07-2010 05:23 AM

I called him today. That made me feel much better. I broke down and asked him to please get me a stuff animal and sleep with it for a week or so so it would smell like him. I thought about swipping one of his shirts this weekend but never got a chance.

Sorcha17 07-10-2010 06:47 PM

Awwww. I hate the initial feelings of separation from a love. Right now me and my LDR have set timeframes...not exact but good morning and good night communications of some sort. We also email and IM as much as possible. When he needs to express himself in loving and romantic ways it is through letter-writing. Which I love! Something very traditional and Victorian in letters that email and texts miss. I am a sappy romantic. Who isn't?

Like Redpepper has mentioned, it is very difficult to go without the physical connection for very long. Do you have plans for meeting-up? Also are you poly? I can't remember. Do you have other sources of affection?

Best of luck. It isn't easy but it is possible. FYI we both got very jealous when the other married and had children. It worked itself out but there were moments of proprietory greed that made us each think, "How can he/she be with so-so in such an intimate way? He/she has been mine for x amount of years. I should be having a child with him/her." Crazy irrational thinking because we were separated for good reason and as a choice. Did you ever see My Best Friend's wedding- yes I know corny, romantic comedy- however, very similar kind of envy. Now, having said that, the LDR remains and our spouses are friendly. So it can work if you aren't too hard on eachother and keep the expectations real. Good luck!

All times are GMT. The time now is 10:56 AM.