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-   -   Advice for a bad situation? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31435)

MostlyHarmless 11-01-2012 07:26 PM

Advice for a bad situation?
 
I made some bad assumptions when I got into my current sort-of-quad over a year ago. I assumed that some of the insecurities, jealous outbursts, and rigid limits that happened early on were nerves. That I needed to be patient while everyone got to know each other and establish some trust because new relationships can be destabilizing and feel like a threat - that I was okay with - but hasn't turned out to be reality.

I have since been coming to the realization that my metamour and I are never going to have a comfortable relationship with each other. With shared partners, that's just not a stable configuration for me. I could handle one or the other of my partners seeing her, but both of them doing so makes it too difficult.

My OSO and I tried spending time together, and it was... unpleasant, to put it gently. I ended that after many months of trying when she got physical in an unprovoked jealous outburst, which was followed by weeks of drama all around.

We've tried avoiding each other, and the ensuing restrictions aren't working for me. I can only really conduct my relationship with my secondary when four peoples' schedules match and/or I essentially have to intentionally exclude someone I care about on a regular basis. I feel terrible about it every time I have to make that choice, the logistics are stressful, and restricts available time for dates too much for my needs.

As far as I can tell, my options distilled all the way down to the basics are:
1. Keep being unhappy.
2. Ask my primary partner to end his other relationship, becoming forever the "jealous" or "hypocritical" villain and probably meaning I lose my secondary partner in the aftermath.
3. Break off a good long-term relationship with my secondary, whom I love, for no other reason than that 1 & 2 seem like worse options.

I've been around for both of my current partners having other serious relationships and casual dates and it's never been this difficult with anyone else.

Has anyone been through this? Any advice? If there are other options I'm not thinking of, I'd love to hear them, because I don't like any of mine. And I admit that I'm half trying to convince myself to make a drastic change that's going to be really painful, and really unfair, for my own sanity.

SNeacail 11-02-2012 06:25 PM

What did your OSO have to say about the unpleasant date? Beyond that question, I can't even comment because I'm so confused.

LovingRadiance 11-02-2012 09:05 PM

You only have a right to make changes in yourself. You CAN ask your partner to make changes for you-but it's EASY for that to become a manipulation instead of them actually having the CHOICE (meaning they can say yes OR no without "punishment").

SO-I advice breaking it off with your secondary on the basis that it's not working out to be part of the quad.
BASED upon your options.

If it were me, I would sit down and lay out some VERY specific personal boundaries and then sit down as a group of 4 and explain them. INCLUDING the necessity for
A) an agreement on whose time is whose and when
B) that if anyone creates drama over that time-they are out of the quad.

Shrug. It's really a matter of you deciding what it's going to take for you to be the best version of yourself AND THEN upholding those boundaries in terms of your lovers.
You don't have a say-so with your metamour and how they behave in the duo of THEIR relationship(s). Only in terms of how you are treated.

IF they are being violent and out of control with a lover-that lover can set boundaries-if they don't chose to-you can decide if you are comfortable dating someone is ok with being abused. But-you can't MAKE THEM leave an abusive situation.

She isn't talking about a lover of hers-but you might consider reading gagagirls blog regarding her friend in an abusive relationship and how she's managing to be supportive but NOT overstep boundaries.

nycindie 11-03-2012 07:12 PM

I really do not understand your situation. It is very unclear.

You are in a "sort of" quad... what does that mean? Who is "sort of" and who isn't?

You don't get along with either your metamour or your OSO. If you don't have a good time with your OSO, then why are you involved with her? End it.

Are you involved with the OSO not because you want to be but ONLY because your primary is involved with your metamour? That is just ill-advised and bordering on insane. Is it just that you will only date other couples as a package deal? That basically just leaves it all to a sex-based arrangement which -- of course -- can only be unsatisfying emotionally. I say, let your primary have a relationship with whomever feels right for them, and you find someone else whose company you enjoy, who you feel moved to be with, are attracted to, and who treats you with kindness and respect. Package deals forced on people who don't even really like each other are bullshit.

Edit: I just re-read your post and am even more confused. You say you love your secondary. But then who are you talking about when you refer to your OSO? I am also confused about the genders and orientations of some of the people involved. Would you please clarify so we can better help you?

JaneQSmythe 11-04-2012 01:56 AM

I think the OP is perhaps using the term OSO for zir metamour, which is where the confusion is stemming from.

By "sort of" quad I think that ze means more of a Diamond/Square as opposed to each of the four being romantically involved with the other three. I'm envisioning two original couples where each person has one primary and one secondary. SO - original couples A+B and C+D - secondary relationships A+C and B+D but NOT A+D or B+C. So OP (A) is having issues with zir metamour (D) who is seeing both zir primary (B) and zir secondary (C - who is D's primary).

JaneQ

PS. Sorry if the "gender-neutral" pronouns throw anyone off - D is female, unsure about the rest.

BoringGuy 11-04-2012 02:07 AM

I don't think progressive fancy gender-ambiguous pronouns such as "ze" and "zir" are required in this case.

OP's profile says her gender is female. That's one. "Primary partner" is referred to as "his", so that's a guy. OSO is referred to as "she" and metamour is referred to as "her", but we are unclear as to whether or not these two are the same person. There is only one other party in the "sort-of quad" whose sex and gender are not specified. It's probably a guy, as this would lend to the logic of it being two male/female couples in said "sort-of quad".

GalaGirl 11-04-2012 02:17 AM

Ok, with no other information? Sounds like you lean toward choice 3.

Sometimes the choices in life are not win or lose, but which one sucks the least. So unless there is more info? I'd go with that one. Choice 3.

Galagirl

nycindie 11-04-2012 02:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 163999)
I don't think progressive fancy gender-ambiguous pronouns such as "ze" and "zir" are required in this case.

I don't think they're ever required, but that's just me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 163999)
OP's profile says her gender is female. That's one. "Primary partner" is referred to as "his", so that's a guy. OSO is referred to as "she" and metamour is referred to as "her", but we are unclear as to whether or not these two are the same person. There is only one other party in the "sort-of quad" whose sex and gender are not specified. It's probably a guy, as this would lend to the logic of it being two male/female couples in said "sort-of quad".

Yes, this is how I followed it at first but my confusion was over whether the OSO and metamour are the same person or not, because at first I thought her OSO was her secondary and then re-reading it, made me think I hadn't got anything right!

OP, basically, be with the people you enjoy being with and stop being with the people who bring you down. If a relationship stops bringing you joy and satisfaction, no reason to keep hanging on to it.


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