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-   -   Meeting a Secondary for the first time... Any suggestions? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3136)

DavidWebb 07-05-2010 12:48 AM

Meeting a Secondary for the first time... Any suggestions?
I am meeting a secondary for the first time Monday afternoon. In case you haven't read my intro yet, my wife is with 3 men besides me (her husband), and I refer to them as BF1, OSO1, OSO2. I am meeting OSO1. I have never met or talked with BF1. I have emailed a little with OSO2.
Anyway, any suggestions on what I make sure I ask him or bring up to talk about?
My wife and I are 6 months in to our poly adventure so this still seems new to me.

AutumnalTone 07-05-2010 03:18 AM

Sure. Ask him about the amount of life insurance coverage he carries. That always puts them at ease!



MonoVCPHG 07-05-2010 03:39 AM

Aproach the meeting knowing that this guy will probably be feeling more than a little nervous unless he has a chip on his shoulder or some experience in this. Remember that this is something that your wife will likely be dealing with this from your perspective in the future. What tips would you give her if the roles were reversed?

SourGirl 07-05-2010 03:54 AM


Originally Posted by autumnaltone (Post 34591)
sure. Ask him about the amount of life insurance coverage he carries. That always puts them at ease!




HeeHeehee !

As for the OP, .... Play it by ear. At least know enough about him beforehand, that you know his hobbies, and interests. That way, if there is a awkward silence starting to develop, you can fill the conversation with those 'vanilla' topics. :)

Magdlyn 07-05-2010 01:50 PM

It's funny. My poly gf and I have been together 18 months, deeply in love and committed.

When she met 3 of my sweeties (one at a time) she had no specific questions for them. We just all chatted as friends. And when I met a guy she dated for a while, same thing. Just general chat about science, music, okc, various life experiences, cookies, whatever.

It's not like you're her dad and the guy has come asking for her hand.

Ariakas 07-05-2010 04:54 PM


Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 34591)
Sure. Ask him about the amount of life insurance coverage he carries. That always puts them at ease!



Thats quite good haha...:D

to op, what do you talk about with "normal" people. He is still just a guy. Figure out if you have guy things in common :)

foxflame88 07-05-2010 06:24 PM

Just get to know him as a friend... chat about anything! When my two of my guys met (I hate labels such as primary, secondary, etc), they hit it off quickly with the discovery that they are both techies. I'm hoping when they meet my third, it'll go just as smoothly.

DavidWebb 07-09-2010 02:53 PM

Just a quick update that the meeting went fairly well. I don't think he thought the life insurance question was funny though. It could have been in the delivery I suppose.

He seemed nice enough. Not somebody I would be buddies with, but he clearly cares about my wife. And he was willing to bear the brunt of being the first secondary I have met. I know I asked some questions and shared some things that I probably should have saved for a follow-up meeting. Live and learn.

The *funniest* thing happened though... we were at a local park sitting at a picnic table when a woman started to approach us. We tried to ignore her, but she seemed to be trying to get our attention. So we asked if she needed help with something. She said she was a reporter for a local paper and wanted to know "What brought you to the park today?" We both started cracking up and I said "you probably are not going to want to print what our answer will be!". She laughed too, asked us what we thought about the heat, and moved along. We made it into the article though! Just a 2-sentence thing, but if anyone wants the link, you can PM me.


foxflame88 07-09-2010 05:15 PM

Glad the meeting went fairly well. :)

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