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-   -   Married but NO sex.... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31359)

wildgurl 11-01-2012 01:46 AM

Married but NO sex....
 
OK... I need advise...

I've been with my husband for almost 7 years...I love him with all of my heart and he loves me dearly as well....

before we married we were not really able to live together because I lived in the USA and he in Norway.... So, we spent a bit of time, me and my daughter, going back and forth.
anyway... 5 years ago, we married.... when we met... I told him that sex was VERY important to me....

anyway... after we married sex has gone down a LOT.... in fact it has been almost 2 years since we have had sex... or even slept in the same bed...

Now... I LOVE and adore my husband... I just got sick of trying to initiate sex, and him rejecting me a LOT of the time.... so I started sleeping on the sofa.... and stopped bringing it up....

we ONLY fight if I complain that we are not having sex....

Anyway... I am almost 46... and I'm pretty new to this country that I have immigrated to.... my new friends are all in their 20's and 30's.... yet, people NEVER assume my age, unless I tell them... they usually think I am around 30.... At first I did not look at other men.. as I am a loyal wife.. BUT, after not having sex for 2 years, and being hit on by younger men.... I am starting to think that maybe if we had an open relationship, that I would NOT have to carry this anger around of not having sex... YET, stay with the man I love....
I've always been a bit wild and kind of like having fun.... I'm also VERY thoughtful to my husband and he and I are GREAT friends.... we just don't have sex.....
This has broken me down quite a bit.... and NO MATTER what I have tried to get my husband to understand that this is killing our marriage.... he does NOT get it....

Now... I LOVE him MORE than anything... and I want to grow old with him....

I just NEED sex.... and I need this for many reasons... ONE being, I am HUMAN....

I am lately thought that asking for an open marriage would be an idea....

At this point I would NOT really mind him being with another woman...

and if I dated... I would ONLY date younger men... ONLY for sex... NOT relationships...

I am LOST here.....


Any advise here would be GREATLY appreciated...

Thank you....

Cheers,

Wild Gurl....

JaneQSmythe 11-01-2012 02:21 AM

I feel for you...I love my husband and want to grow old with him by my side but our sex drives are drastically mismatched. Having a boyfriend with a higher sex drive than mine has really helped me see things from his perspective.

I used to be able to have NSA sex with friends and casual hookups but my poly experiences have not turned out that way. Fact is, feelings HAPPEN, so I would advise against promising that you will never develop feelings for these "casual" hook-ups. That being said, if you are sure that you are only up for sex but not emotions, you might get better advise on a swinging board rather than a poly board...

JaneQ

dingedheart 11-01-2012 03:47 AM

Hi and welcome,

I think it a great idea but have you tried counseling to try to get to the bottom of his problem. Has he seen a doctor? You might want to explore those steps first because its hard to unring bells. Plus you're carrying 2 years of resentment ...sleeping on a couch....you want to grow old on the couch? I'd say counseling just to heal past bullshit and a possible frame work on how to build a poly dynamic.

Hey .....play me or trade me ...make sense to me. Here's to free agency :D

Helo 11-02-2012 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildgurl (Post 163191)
OK... I need advise...

I've been with my husband for almost 7 years...I love him with all of my heart and he loves me dearly as well....

before we married we were not really able to live together because I lived in the USA and he in Norway.... So, we spent a bit of time, me and my daughter, going back and forth.
anyway... 5 years ago, we married.... when we met... I told him that sex was VERY important to me....

anyway... after we married sex has gone down a LOT.... in fact it has been almost 2 years since we have had sex... or even slept in the same bed...

Red Flag #1

A decrease in sex is usually a sign of bigger problems.

Quote:

Now... I LOVE and adore my husband... I just got sick of trying to initiate sex, and him rejecting me a LOT of the time.... so I started sleeping on the sofa.... and stopped bringing it up....
Red Flag #2

The flags sort of form a big canopy at this point.

Quote:

Anyway... I am almost 46... and I'm pretty new to this country that I have immigrated to.... my new friends are all in their 20's and 30's.... yet, people NEVER assume my age, unless I tell them... they usually think I am around 30.... At first I did not look at other men.. as I am a loyal wife.. BUT, after not having sex for 2 years, and being hit on by younger men.... I am starting to think that maybe if we had an open relationship, that I would NOT have to carry this anger around of not having sex... YET, stay with the man I love....
I've always been a bit wild and kind of like having fun.... I'm also VERY thoughtful to my husband and he and I are GREAT friends.... we just don't have sex.....
This has broken me down quite a bit.... and NO MATTER what I have tried to get my husband to understand that this is killing our marriage.... he does NOT get it....
You basically already said the problem; you and your husband are great friends.

I have a lot of great friends that I love enough to be willing to die for but I'd never marry half of them.

Quote:

I am lately thought that asking for an open marriage would be an idea....
Polyamory makes poor spackle.

Quote:

At this point I would NOT really mind him being with another woman...
I doubt he'd be down with the idea, he doesn't sound like he has a high sex drive so its unlikely to be an issue for him or your problem wouldn't exist.

Quote:

and if I dated... I would ONLY date younger men... ONLY for sex... NOT relationships...
I can basically promise you that will lead to more fighting.

happinesswins 11-08-2012 10:30 AM

If it helps.
 
Low sex drive in men is very under-reported. Its more common to hear husbands whinge about low sex drive wives. There are some good books available on this very subject . If it's the intimacy with your husband that is missing, maybe that's the area that requires your attention . I have absolutely no doubt that you have done everything you can think of to change your situation, and that you probably feel that you are being pushed in a direction that you never thought you would have to consider. If there is even one thing that you can learn from some of the books i have read then maybe that's the answer you are looking for . If you are interested try these authors , Michele Weiner Davis , and Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz .

nycindie 11-09-2012 07:15 AM

He should see a physician and have his testosterone levels checked. If they are low, it could be remedied with creams or supplements, and may even be an indication of a more serious medical problem.

bober 11-09-2012 08:03 AM

I feel for you...
 
I am also in a non-sexual relationship, loving but little desire between us. I have STRONG sexual desires that I do not know how to deal with so succumb to cheap on-line visual stimulation.

I feel a bit lost like you and so many others I suppose. Ben in relationship for almost 7 yrs now myself with a beautiful child.

Love to chat with you some.

Good luck.

happinesswins 11-09-2012 12:46 PM

The fighting over sex is constant. Men can be highly defensive if you dare to discuss the subject that you are not getting what you need. You can say nothing, so as not to upset them. When you feel like you have nothing to lose, you can say what you need to say . No matter how you approach the subject, you will end up being the Bad Guy ( or Girl in this case ).The best form of defence is attack ! This seems to be a common thread with couples . Especially where the man has the lower sex drive. I can vouch for that .


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