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-   -   Please don't judge me (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=313)

Derbylicious 05-28-2009 04:08 PM

Please don't judge me
 
I don't really know how to start this. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. I pursued him quite actively and for the beginning of our relationship we were "friends with benefits". He would frequently talk to me during that time about how he wanted a girlfriend and that no one would ever want him ect. Even though it's irrational I've always had a little nagging feeling that he just settled for me. (Even though we have been happily married for 10 years).

So fast forward to about 2 years ago. We started talking about opening up our relationship. I have a girlfriend who I see occasionally. She also has a husband and we all get along well. I'm having trouble with the idea of my husband forming a relationship with another woman. Because I'm insecure I'm worried that he's looking for the one that he really wants, not the one that relentlessly hunted him down until he gave in.

I'm not sure how to get past this. I want him to be happy. I just hate feeling like I'm in direct competition with someone else. Anyone else been through something similar?

MonoVCPHG 05-28-2009 04:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 1436)
Anyone else been through something similar?


This forum is about sharing and learning. It certainly is not about judging. Please push those fears aside. I can't offer any advice on your siutuation but others here should be able to help.
Best wishes.

MonoVCPHG 05-28-2009 05:24 PM

I showed your post to my girlfriend Redpepper and she had this to say:

"I think she needs to test his loyalty to her by letting him go find another if that is what they decided. Its better to live a full life in the full embrace of someones love than always wonder if he just settled. If it doesn't work out she will find another where she doesn't have to feel like that and he will find the true love he deserves. If they decide to keep their love alive it will be better than ever for the experience"

Redpepper is pretty busy so I try to pass things on to her.

Take care

Quath 05-29-2009 01:16 AM

In a sense, if you have an open relationship, why would he leave you? Even if he found someone super cool, the only reason he would leave you is because he doesn't want to be with you, not because anyone "stole" him. That is kind of the logical view of it.

Emotionally, it sounds like you need to hear from him why he loves you and wants to be with you. Just let him know when you are feeling extra insecure and he can try to help you understand why he wants to be with you.

My wife is going through similar feelings. I have said these things to her, but they did not seem to help. So I am not sure if it will help you or not.

alphafour 05-30-2009 06:19 PM

I understand that you feel fearful that the choice to open your relationship could cause a breech in the current environment of your marriage. It is the big fear that the standard of monagamy has given most women. Most of you ladies don't want anything but that protective man to stand by you and defend you from all that society can throw at you. Society threw monagamy at you, and this site will do its best to protect you from the stigma of "thinking outside the box."

Derbylicious 05-30-2009 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alphafour (Post 1447)
I understand that you feel fearful that the choice to open your relationship could cause a breech in the current environment of your marriage. It is the big fear that the standard of monagamy has given most women. Most of you ladies don't want anything but that protective man to stand by you and defend you from all that society can throw at you. Society threw monagamy at you, and this site will do its best to protect you from the stigma of "thinking outside the box."


Maybe that's partly what this is. I like to believe that I'm pretty self sufficient though and that I can defend myself against what the world has to throw at me. Given my husband's job I do spend long periods of time alone and have to take what is thrown at me. But you are right that when he is home I do rely on him to take on his role as part of this family. Our time is sometimes fairly limited together and so I expect a lot of him when he is home to make up for the time that he is away.


There is so many things going on in my head and not a lot of it makes sense. I know things logically but I guess I just don't know them emotionally. More stuff to work through I guess. And here I was thinking that I didn't have any issues. I have a lot of issues that have come from a whole lot of places. I was so good at repressing them until now :P.

I think what I need is someone who has been in the early stages of poly and has gotten through it who I can confide in. Talking to your spouse only goes so far especailly when you're both coming into the discussion with somewhat of an agenda. We have friends that we can bounch other things off of and I think I could really use a friend who I can bounch poly stuff off of. Someone who understands the emotions and the difference between the logical and the emotional. I don't see the discussions between my spouse and I as moving forward anymore. It's important to talk and to be heard but it gets to the point when you're just having the same discussion over and over again and never coming up with any way of advancing.

NeonKaos 05-30-2009 07:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alphafour (Post 1447)
. Most of you ladies don't want anything but that protective man to stand by you and defend you from all that society can throw at you.

Are you kidding me, that is exactly why I married my husband. I suppose, according to the logic you put to follow that, that I married the right one!

alphafour 05-30-2009 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 1451)
Are you kidding me, that is exactly why I married my husband. I suppose, according to the logic you put to follow that, that I married the right one!


Some people think I am psychic.

Danny40179 05-31-2009 11:40 AM

Welcome! You say that you've been happily married for 10 years. I think the proof is in the pudding. Do you think that if your husband wanted to find someone else he would have by this point? My wife had many of the same fears when we first started out. There are two things that are extremely important in this lifestyle. Communication, and time. I agree that you need to find someone else to talk to about things sometimes. I would have loved to have someone poly to bounce ideas off of. Time, you can't do anything about. LOL After being in the lifestyle for as long as we have, we've now realized certain things. Mainly, that we're not going anywhere.

I'm sure there are others on here that have gone through the same experiences that you're having. Use us!! That's what we're here for. :) Good luck and keep us posted!

NeonKaos 05-31-2009 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alphafour (Post 1452)
Some people think I am psychic.

I am only speaking for myself as a person, not about all women everywhere. :)

Furthermore, I did not realize that until AFTER we got married; marriage really IS about everyone BUT the [two] people involved. If it were only about love, etc. there would be no use for it.


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