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-   -   Advice on Poly Relationship Rules & Guidelines (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=31240)

PolyPhonic 10-30-2012 05:38 PM

Advice on Poly Relationship Rules & Guidelines
 
Can the more experienced polys share their advice on creating rules for their poly relationships? Including any rules or guidelines that you have made for your own relationships? I am getting close to forming my first poly relationship and would like to have some foresight before getting into any trainwrecks.

Some things I've thought of are:
- getting STD tested before moving in

Some things I wonder about:
- rules about keeping house
- keys?
- food preparation
- sharing clothes?
- bathroom rules?
- going out alone?
- going out together? (holding hands in public? etc)

My situation is a triad, a perfect triangle, male-female-female.

Please, anything you can say will inspire more ideas, so please share.

PP

drtalon 10-30-2012 06:24 PM

My advice to you is that relationships are something that are built over months and years, not days and weeks. Learn about NRE.

Testing and safety are something you (ought to) think about before having sex, which is hopefully way before you think about moving in together.

Rules about specific things are not as useful as learning how to talk with each other about everything, including wants/needs/rules/boundaries/etc.

PolyPhonic 10-30-2012 06:32 PM

Thanks Dr, we're all on the same page regarding communication. That's why I'd like to have all rules out on the table, and not as bombs on a minefield.

PolyPhonic 10-30-2012 06:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by drtalon (Post 162935)
My advice to you is that relationships are something that are built over months and years, not days and weeks. Learn about NRE.

Just read about NRE. This isn't that. This is about being prepared based on old RE experiences.

MoonElf 10-30-2012 06:53 PM

I'd say you're overthinking this a bit.

While it's important to communicate your limmits and wants to all of your partners, I don't think such details should be defined even before any other relationship actually starts. There's a long way between deciding to go poly and have someone move in with you, and every person is different about sharring stuff, or bathroom rules.

You just read a lot about how to manage jaleousy, to be secure of yourselves and keep communicating a lot.
Meet people without such specific rules and expectations, then go adjusting and talking things over as the relationship evolves.

GalaGirl 10-30-2012 07:13 PM

Alright -- here's my playbook. Those are the standards I want in polyship along with my limits of tolerance for shenanigans. That's how I prefer to roll.

Quote:

- getting STD tested before moving in
This is just basic hygiene for yourself. (and partner's do it for themselves. To me that falls under "responsible for caring for your own equipment" in my universe. )

Quote:

- rules about keeping house
- keys?
- food preparation
- sharing clothes?
- bathroom rules?
I would file all that as "clear communication" for how the household is to run. Everyone know and state your wants, needs, and limits in regards to shared living space. Everyone step up to be responsible for SOMETHING in the running of the home.

This stuff is basically being a good roomie. Nothing to do with polyamory -- more about cohabitating. Like basic manners/chore list stuff so the home runs well. Also respecting other people's property and what can be borrowed or not. (clothes, books, cds, etc)

Quote:

- going out alone?
- going out together? (holding hands in public? etc)
This seems to speak to polyconfiguration. Are you "Out" or not, are you an "Open" triad or a "Closed" triad, and the polymath of this triad so each tier of mini relationships INSIDE the larger one has time/space for expression.

I would file that under "clear communication" also. Everyone state your clear wants, needs, limits. Come to agreement on time management, emotional management issues.

I wouldn't get all micromanage-y. Each tier needs it's own privacy and freedom to develop as it does. But if you are not "Out" I could see the polyship people coming to agreement about public displays of affection at the work place or whatever. Talk to your people about where their preferences and needs lie.

And agree to a conflict resolution method you all can deal with should something pop up.

Largely it is going to be taking the temperature where everyone is at, agreeing to try THIS way for THIS amount of time, see how it works, then evaluate at THIS checkpoint to see how that feels to everyone involved so far. See what you keep, what gets adjusted for the next hunk of time til the next checkpoint.

HTH!
Galagirl

PolyPhonic 10-31-2012 01:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 162941)
HTH!
Galagirl

A lot! Thanks


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