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-   -   My name is Inigo Montoya, you... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3123)

DavidWebb 07-04-2010 12:55 AM

My name is Inigo Montoya, you...
Ok, so my name is not really Inigo Montoya. If you know how to finish that line though you get bonus points.
I just joined today. My spouse is poly. Not sure what I am. I *feel* mono. But I know that could be because that's all I've known. I am having a hard time with my spouse "all of a sudden" being poly. And a *really* hard time with the physical intimacy piece of it. But my spouse is just freakin' awesome so I'm joining this forum and will begin posting to try and figure out how to make this all work.

solarwindsfly 07-04-2010 07:09 AM

"You killed my father!, Prepare to die!" Princess Bride One of my most favorite movies! Campy to the best degree :) As for how you feel... take a look around and read some peoples stories and questions. I think some of your questions are in these cyber pages. As for my feelings. I am discovering still and not always "sure" but I do keep an open mind and am really struggling at times and then others the world is "wonderful" So dig deep for how you feel and learn as much as you can. Go at your own pace and do what is right for you :)

DavidWebb 07-04-2010 12:16 PM

Thanks! (and correct on the movie line - a great movie that I think I need another viewing of in the near future)

I wasn't sure how much to post in this Intro vs. New to Poly section. But now I'm thinking I should give the background here so people who read my other posts and think 'Who is this David Webb guy?' can find my back story in one place.

I've been married for 13 years to a wonderful woman.
She is the only person I ever really dated.
She is the only person I have ever loved.
She is the only person I've ever been intimate with.

For the first 12.5 years of our marriage, it was just her and me. We loved spending out time together. We would do just about everything together - not because we had to or were supposed to as husband and wife - but because we truly enjoyed each other's company.

Then last December she fell in love with another man and in January had sex with him. She "discovered" she is poly. I had a hard time dealing with it to say the least and knowing this she shut down the intimacy piece with this guy.

She did an admirable job of reassuring me that her love for me was as strong as ever, that our marriage was as strong as ever. Because of that reassurance from her and me seeing how happy she was when she was able to be with him, I agreed to her resuming the sexual piece of her relationship with him.

At the same time, seeing her so happy, I decided to try this poly thing out. I started doing the dating site thing, didn't have much luck at first but yadda yadda yadda I've been on a handful of dates with another woman. She is nice enough, and in a different set of circumstances I think something could develop between us, but I just don't feel like I can. Five dates and all I've managed to do is put my hand on her leg and even that felt weird and I couldn't wait to have a reason to move it.

Meanwhile, my wife also joined the dating site as well and yadda yadda yadda she now has 2 more secondaries. So the original guy who I would call her boyfriend (BF). And now these 2 others. One of them (OSO1) she emails often, talks on the phone occasionally, and sees him about once a week. The other (OSO2), she emails often, does not talk on the phone with, and sees him about once every two weeks.

There's some more backstory here. I'm torn because it is relevant, but a bit too personal for an online forum imo so I'm going to leave it out for now.

I had been doing *relatively* well with all of this. I'd have good days and bad days, but the good days were starting to outnumber the bad. I saw the benefits for her and the ripple effect back to us. But deep down, I still struggled with it all. That's not unusual, right? I mean, 12.5 years of a simple mono (GOOD!!!) marriage and now in 6 months I'm sharing her with BF, OSO1, and OSO2.

Then something happened last week. Or I should say, a lot of small-to-medium things happened in the last week. And I have really soured on all of this. HARD. I feel as bad today as I did when I first found out about the BF.
I now hate that she sees these other guys.
I now hate that she is physically intimate with these other guys.
I now hate that I originally agreed to all of this.
I could go on, but those are the biggies.

To me, right now, the hardest part is thinking of these other guys with my wife sexually... holding her hand, stroking her hair, kissing her lips, kissing her breasts, touching her, fingering her, being inside her...
(sorry if that got too crude, but I was banking on this being an adult-only site)

To the point where I was laying in bed this morning, awake, trying to fall back asleep, but picturing her with OSO1 that she saw yesterday. When she moved and her leg brushed up against mine, I practically jumped out of the bed. I couldn't even lay next to her.
Just two weeks ago I would have moved with her and snuggled up to her. WHY???

I *despise* this feeling in me. I love her so much. I don't want her to be unhappy. I don't want her to have to be somebody she's not.

I need to end this here as I'm getting a bit choked up and need to start my day anyway. I may try to post more later, but I'm glad I got most of this out now.

Be kind.

Magdlyn 07-04-2010 04:35 PM

Awww... poor baby. Jealousy is a bitch.

It's tricky to move from jealousy to compersion. I hope you can do it.

I think it's easier for women to get men than vice versa. She's got 3 now and it's totally understandable you're feeling overwhelmed.

vandalin 07-05-2010 03:08 AM

Welcome to the forums, you've come to a good place.

I'm sure that there must have been some triggers in the last week that you are leaving out as being private, but the only way forward is to figure out what caused the change from acceptance and compersion back to jealousy and aversion. With luck you and your wife have good communication already and are/will be able to discuss this openly. My gut tells me that this may have happened a bit too fast for you, going from one BF to 3... had the two of you discussed what you both wanted out of opening your relationship and the addition of adding more people as she has done?

It is completely possible that you are mono inclined or are just not ready to venture out. You stated here that she has been your "one and only" so there shouldn't really be much surprise that you are hesitent and uncomfortable with "rejoining" the dating scene. Remember, just because she has others, doesn't mean you have to, although I can understand why you thought it might help. My husband isn't sure if he wants/needs to find an "other" if I happen to find one. And that is OK.

But you really do need to start dissecting what triggered the backswing. Taking steps backwards is ok and can be a very useful learning experience. Don't be afraid to talk to her about it. It will be hard, but necessary so she knows where you are and how you are feeling.

Good luck.

solarwindsfly 07-05-2010 05:51 AM

It sounds like you love her very much. I dont hear you discussing your feelings with her. Vandalin has some good suggestions. The biggest thing is communication. If your not ready to date thats totally ok! Just remember to take your time and do what is right for you. :)

sage 07-05-2010 08:59 AM


I'd say your wife has gone way too fast - three other partners in 6 months when you're so new to the whole idea!!!! It's taken me two years to even accept that my partner is not going to get over it; that I can't make him monogamous by beinthe most awesome partner on the planet; or that I actually want to stay in the relationship if poly is the way it has to be.

Having said that I do understand how women can go a bit crazy after a long period of time in a relationship where they have struggled internally. If she was poly and living a monogamous life with you not suspecting anything was wrong she was probably struggling very hard to cope.

Don't be afraid to communicate your feelings and negotiate a way forward that works for both of you. For polyamory to work you both have to be happy.

It does get easier.


DavidWebb 07-09-2010 02:44 PM

Just for full disclosure, my wife is on the forum as well. She joined a while back and has encouraged me to join as well. She's one smart lady. In just a week I have found it to be helpful.

oh... yeah.. btw, her screen name is inlovewith2 (or something close to that).


HappiestManAlive 07-10-2010 10:22 AM

+1 to the "she's moving a bit fast" line of thought; but also +1 to the "repressing the poly thing sucks" bit, lol.

I think you ought to talk about her slowing down a bit with the new guys while you wrap your head aroiund all this, but that's just my two rusty pennies. It's also hypocritical to a degree as I tend to move VERY fast when I meet new interest - but then again, my fiance' is also poly minded ("more" than I am really, her comfort level with it and natural tendancy toward compersion is astounding) and also moves fast, so I have it a little easier, lol. Hell, 6 months into our relationship she sat me down and chewed me out because I hadn't been seeing other women when she'd made it quite clear that she wanted me to, lol.

Anyway - we'll all be here to help as best we can, that;s what this site is here for after all. Women will always find it easier to meet new partners, and it sounds like you'renot even sure you WANT any. But I think it will be interesting to see her reaction if/when you do - not judging, but we;ve seen it many times when the suddenly poly person freaks out worse than the so-called mono one once the door swings both ways. Whatever the events, I wish you the best and hope you'll both be here a long time!

HappiestManAlive 07-10-2010 10:25 AM

Oh - and The Princess Bride is one of the best movies ever. "Inigo Montoya" wasn't an actor, he's a world-class fencer who got the part kind of by accident. The sword fight between he and Thean In Black is almost completely unchoreographed; he told Carey to play like he thought a sword fight should be and he'd make it look good, lol. True story.

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