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Saggigrl 10-30-2012 11:33 AM

Don't know if I'm ok
 
Hello,
I'm not sure about myself but for many people I know poly has been a great lifestyle and brought them a lot of joy. My problem is that I have a hard time relating to people and when more that one person is talking it is hard to follow for me. My husband is a very loving person who would be wonderful in a poly relationship. I do not believe that anyone owns another person and I don't wish to be a mother, boss, or owner in my relationships. However...(loaded word that). I also don't enjoy polyamory myself, too many people to remember, and too much rehashing and reassuring. I really like the girl my husband is in a relationship with now, and they seem good together. I however feel like I didn't really get a chance to discuss it with hubs before we got started and now they are in that first selfish flush of new love and talking is painful, one of them always ends up crying. They get upset because I don't want a romantic relationship but we have had fun with some casual sexual experiences in past. They want me involved. I feel forced. I also tend to feel like I don't want to intrude and the more I give them space to explore their new feelings and understand each other and create their relationship the more they try to pull me in. I feel trapped not to mention they are not comfortable unless I am around and I feel a little like a peeping Tom. Just uncomfortable

GalaGirl 10-30-2012 01:19 PM

Welcome! Sorry to hear you are struggling tho.

Are they feeling guilty for the start? Where you didn't really get a voice in it and now they are overcompensating?

Or is it dealing with the disappointment that it is NOT going to be a triad?

You like her and seem ok with them. You just don't want to be with anyone romantically but your husband. That's fine. You want what you want and there is NOTHING wrong with that.

Could tell them BOTH when you talk as a trio something like...

"Look, I am fine with you guys being together, but this is a "V" configuration. Hubby is the shared romantic sweetie. My metamour and I are just friends. I like her/you. Please stop trying to make it be more than what it is because that makes me feel not heard and my own wants for my romantic life not respected. If this is disappointment that it is not a triad -- let's deal with that together. But that doesn't mean PUSHING me to something I do not want. I want to be a good "V" partner. Please be good "V" partners BACK. "


???

Galagirl

kdt26417 10-30-2012 08:33 PM

Hello Saggigrl,
Welcome to our forum.

I'm in agreement with GalaGirl: You seem to be better suited for a V relationship than for a triad relationship. Whereas your husband and his girlfriend are pushing for a triad. You should probably sit down with them and very carefully explain that a triad is not what you want. Perhaps a compromise would be what's called an emotional triad: still technically a V, but the two "arm persons" have a very close friendship with each other.

It sounds like trying to talk to them can be difficult. I feel for you in that case; communication is so important in a poly relationship. I think you still have to keep trying at it, perhaps getting more practice and getting better at it. I don't know anyone (myself included) who couldn't stand for some improvement in the communication area.

I would just tell them that I know this is hard, but it still needs to be talked about. Hang in there.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Saggigrl 10-31-2012 12:10 AM

Thank you both for your help. It may be a little guilt. The subject was introduced at our anniversary dinner right in the middle of dinner as asking a bunch of questions about our relationship so she could make sure it was strong and then stated that she wanted to have sex with us. We had a great time and I thought that was all there was, but hubby got this idea that we had made a connection. We hadn't but I couldn't convince them otherwise. They then started Dow the poly path and there was no stopping the NRE. They are very cute in a bill and coo kinda way. But I guess I have never been one for watching others in PDA. Not even on TV. I guess I'm a pill. I just feel kinda bored.

opalescent 10-31-2012 02:40 PM

I feel the same way - sex I am not involved in is boring as heck to watch. Doesn't make you a pill, just not a voyeur.

Stevenjaguar 11-05-2012 03:02 AM

Yes, this is something I can relate to. I have absolutely no interest in being with my fiancee and her girlfriend when they're making lovey-dovey. The three of us hang together a lot and the gf has been a friend of mine since before I started dating my fiancee so I really don't feel uncomfortable around them, I just don't want to be part of their sexual relationship, and I shouldn't have to be if I don't want to be. Nuff said.


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