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-   -   Is this a good test? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3120)

leslie 07-03-2010 09:32 PM

Is this a good test?
Before my partner and I get married, he wanted to "test" how we would do as a poly couple. He arranged a weekend with an old lover and I agreed to see how I would feel about it.
It didn't work out as we all expected and he cut it short and came home after I freaked out when he turned off the phone and didn't answer texts or email.
We agreed to put this on hold for a while and let our relationship develop before trying this again, with better communication.
Now I am thinking the whole poly thing seems to benefit him, and not me particularly. It just seems like letting him have a sanctioned affair from time to time.
Does this sound hopeless to you? We generally have good communication and really are in love with each other. He also loves her, but is willing to postpone further sexual activity until I am ready.
I am starting to think I am just monogamous.

AutumnalTone 07-04-2010 01:03 AM

Is that a good test? I have three answers for that:

1) No.
2) No.
3) Oh, hell no!

I'm not even able to provide a cogent explanation right now as I'm fuming over the bad behavior--I'd likely get lost in castigating him.

I hope somebody else weighs in on this soon. I'll try to get back to it later with a clearer head.

leslie 07-04-2010 01:11 AM

Your strong response is interesting. I hope you say more. I am not sure what is causing your reaction. I know I feel uneasy about this arrangement, but I keep thinking that somehow I will be able to get used to this.

redpepper 07-04-2010 07:13 AM


Originally Posted by leslie (Post 34507)
I know I feel uneasy about this arrangement, but I keep thinking that somehow I will be able to get used to this.

Ya, bad sign. Getting used to it should never be an option. Poly is not to get used to, it's to love the way of life... otherwise,,, if you have read anything on this forum, you will see that "getting used to it" spells disaster and hopelessness. Why would you want to live like that? Why would you want to just settle for something when you could have fantastic?

This poly journey is a lot of hard work for those of us who love to love others... I can't even begin to imagine the work if I didn't sign up for this....

I suggest you do some reading on here, especially on the life stories and blogs section where you will find many monogamous people trying to make do with their lives and partners poly tendencies... they didn't know they were getting into poly when they married, had kids, bought a house etc... you do!!!! I hate to say it, but if you are monogamously minded...? Save yourself!!! Move on and find what works for you better.

MonoVCPHG 07-04-2010 08:18 AM

Hi Leslie,

I often get asked why a mono/poly relationship works for me. I'm Mono, Redpepper is poly.

The main reason that this works for me is that I have a wealth of traditional monogamous experience.

I have had the traditional mono marriage which was great for many years. I got to "show off" my spouse just like the vast majority of the people around me and she got to show off hers. I raised a daughter into her teen years just like everybody else, neighborhood picnics with all our other mono friends, family photos, just like everybody else etc, etc.
First and foremost, I had a "normal" mono marriage based on the exclusive commitment of two people who willingly give themselves to each other intimately.

In other words I experienced all the usual things that most monogamous people desire to experience such as sexual exclusivity and automatic social acceptance. There are things that a poly relationship would not have been able to fulfill...but I have already done those and don't need or expect them in the future.

I love the relationship I have but it is far different than a mono one. It has huge benefits with communication and openness that are often missing from monogamous relationships, but it also comes with huge anxieties and sense of instability that was never a part of my previous relationship.

If you are monogamous by nature (as opposed to by conditioning) I strongly suggest to explore a relationship that matches your natural tendencies first; just as I would recommend to your partner. Mono poly relationships are seldom easy and even more rarely successful if having peace of mind and stability (from a mono perspective) is part of how you define success as I do.

If you do choose to explore this further with your partner I also strongly suggest you do not engage in any official marriage arrangement or heavy housing/financial entanglement until after a very long period of consideration and actual experience.

No one is right, no one is wrong when mono and poly fall in love. But each has to do what makes them happy in the long run and not just in the moment.

AutumnalTone 07-05-2010 03:31 AM


Originally Posted by leslie (Post 34507)
Your strong response is interesting. I hope you say more. I am not sure what is causing your reaction. I know I feel uneasy about this arrangement, but I keep thinking that somehow I will be able to get used to this.

Sorry about that. Many folks arrive on our boards with painful stories to tell and I get so sad on reading them. Some set me off, which is what yours did. I can only take so much in the way of descriptions of people treating other people horribly, and I hit my limits when reading your post.

Deciding to pursue a poly approach to relationships isn't something that most folks can just jump into, particularly if it's something that comes up because a partner wants to try it out. It takes a bit of preparation and quite a bit of communication to hash out shared expectations--and some time simply to adjust to the idea. It sounds like you weren't given that.

Then, him disappearing for a weekend certainly isn't easing into things and allowing you to try to wrap your head and heart around it. An evening out for a first date is reasonable when one's partner is having to work hard to adjust.

And then he dropped out of communication, too?

Did he ever stop and consider you in all of this, other than in passing? It doesn't sound like it. From here, it appears he showed absolutely no respect for you and your feelings and just went hog wild trying to service his own desires without any serious regard for you in the process.

In a poly arrangement, you still get everything you need from a relationship in terms of love, time, attention, and so forth. Even if you don't take an additional partner or two, the benefits for you are a healthy, happy relationship and a loving partner whose life is overflowing with love and happiness--which makes him a better partner for everybody with whom he is involved.

It all rests on taking care of everybody and every relationship involved, however. It isn't served by hiim simply scheduling a long weekend with a new lover and leaving you to cope as best you can without much preparation and loving support.

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