...and we're on our way.
I just wanted to post that I had a great night with J last night. Kept within my boundaries, and am having fun exploring what could be the beginning of a real poly relationship.
I NEVER would have thought this sort of thing would have happened to me, or that I would even consider it.
Who knows what the future brings, but I am excited to have the chance to explore my self and my life in a different way. I have a wonderful BF, and a new interest that is completely open and unafraid of this dynamic.
Thank you for your support,
It was paramount to me getting here.
Man do I have some news...
So, Ouroboros is in Guatemala for the month. I called him up last night because I was in a club with some close friends of mine and a girlfriend expressed interest in playing with me.... I wanted to know what the boundaries were.
So - I totally had sex with a woman last night.
It felt so completely natural. Even she said "gender doesn't really matter, does it?"
Now, today, I feel like I have a lot to process.
1) Never done this before... the newness of that and all the societal ?s are filling my brain.
2) Wondering now why the boundaries are different for a girl than a guy? I hear about this all the time - how guys feel much less insecure about this arrangement.
3) also feeling strangely guilty about it... like I did something wrong.
I am not sure if I am bi - or if I was just having fun. Really feeling little need to define that at the moment, if ever.
1) that's gonna be for you to decide how to handle or not handle
2) My understanding is that most men don't feel another woman is a threat. They don't have to compete b/c the dynamic is different. Though Karma doesn't seem to care one way or another as long as I'm happy.
3)I totaly get that. A friend kissed me at a party several weeks ago (the non b/f of my blog) and while we've had Karma's permision for awhile, and it was only a few kisses with Karma there, and it was great, I still felt guilty. I can't explain why, but I did.
I've never slept with a woman. I want to. I've always wanted to. I've gone pretty far with my wife, but things just haven't worked out with anyone to go any further.
That being said I identify Bi to save explanation to society, but I'm not big on labels. I love people. I love people who care, I love intimacy. The female body is beautiful and unique to the power of a male body. The connection with a female is different than a male ( in my opinion). Basicaly, I'm me and I'm attracted to whomever I'm attracted to regardless of their sex.
I hope you find your answers, and I hope they bring you the enlightenment and peace mine brought me.
J, the guy I have been seeing every once in a while is in a situation that is driving me bonkers. In fact - I am a little pissed.
There is another woman, we'll call her H. She is obsessive... and I mean this for sure. She and J knew each other in Maine before he moved here (for like 6 days) and she moved here "chasing him". She forced herself into his home, saying she would stay for 2 weeks, stayed for 6.... she has become entirely dependent on him here. He found her an apartment, and she won't branch out and find her own friends and activities. Co dependence is oozing out of everywhere!
As soon as something happened between J and I, she FREAKED. Him and her were f*ing mostly out of convenience at the beginning, and he told her ( not because of me, prior to me) that he didn't want to date her, and they should date other people.
I come into the picture, and she becomes crazy.
Right now - even thought they are not dating - there is a "ban" on how J and I can interact. I have my own boundaries... I'm moving slow, and we have ONLY kissed.... totally PG. That is all that will happen regardless of him, OR her for a while.
This is TOTAL BULLSHIT.
Now - I would understand and be graceful if they were in a relationship, he wanted to date her and build a relationship, etc. etc. and I would not be so pissed off.
Right now, this chick owns his balls, and it is NOT attractive. If he doesn't make a move for his own free fucking will, I will make it for him, and be done with this.
Now, this is a total shame. We get a long great, really like each other, and find each other attractive. But I am not a puppet. She is not my master either. God damn.
Anyone ever experienced this before?
From here it appears he's lying if he claims to not be dating her and yet he acquiesces to her demands about his relationships. No healthy, functional adult would worry about the demands of somebody with whom there is no relationship--which indicates there is.
Or it indicates that he's got major problems and doesn't qualify as a healthy, functional adult. If he's put up with as much co-dependent shit from her as it appears, I'd say he's likely not a healthy, functional adult.
I'd stay away from that mess completely, were it me. No dates, certainly, and no involved chats or visits or anything else. Nothing until I was firmly convinced his Bucket o' Crazy is much smaller than it appears right now.
That is EXACTLY how I feel.
Was definitely not looking for advice here, just curious if this is something anyone has encountered b/c it seems so odd.
I mean, grow the f up, and get a pair. ya know?
Well, Learned something else about myself the past couple of days. I need to learn to trust that I DO have good judgment in people.
J talked with that woman the night after I posted the last post and he told her that he wasn't going to put up with her behavior anymore. That she could not choose his friends for her, and he wanted to be more than friends with me. He apologized for not doing anything when she was so rude to me and promised to step up if that were to happen again.
Time will tell, I suppose.
He hung out with my friends for the first time since then and they got along great. It made me very happy. The few friends that know what is going on were friendly and happy for me, and totally themselves. The others who had no clue, gave me a strange look and then probably brushed it off as a new friend of mine.
Now - I just have to ride this wave and see if this is something that works for me or not. I am having fun (complicated by moments of guilt and feeling like I am cheating, which I am not... but eh.) I don't want to lose the amazing thing I have with O due to this and am being careful to not take actions that I don't really want or need. I have to trust him to tell me what is going on with him as well... I know this.
I keep thinking about if this were reversed. I'd have such a hard time. O seems to be handling it well, even while he is out of the country.
Maybe me having this experience will help me realize why I shouldn't freak out. maybe not... guess we will see.
I don't want to hurt either of them. So I tell J that it is like we have just started dating and I expect him to date other people. In fact, he is good dating material for my own friends. wonder if that would be weird.
Anyhow, just venting a bit with all the new information floating in my brain.
It flops from a moment of giddiness to guilt to worry to giddiness again.... ahhhhh! I need to calm down. :)
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