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-   -   i need help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3113)

hurt 07-02-2010 10:08 AM

i need help
well me and my wife have been together for ten years now. We have two children together. About a year ago she told me she still had feelings for an old boy friend from high school. I am normaly not jelious so i had no problem letting her talk to him. now two weeks ago she decieded to fly a 1000 miles to see him. I have never cheated on her, and she has never cheated on me, but I know they have been spending nights together becouse she told me so. All I do is lay awake at night hateing myself for letting her go. The thought of her holding him kills me. I dont know if I will ever be the same. She told me about this web site and told me this is how she feels and how she wants to be. I am not , but I am not comfertable with it. She is telling me everything will be fine, but I dont see how.I dont want to loss my wife and family. If anyone has any advice I would appretiate it.

Sorcha17 07-02-2010 10:26 AM

Too new to it myself. And I am poly but it looks like there is alot of info on here. Dig in and research! That's all I got for ya now.:o

foxflame88 07-02-2010 06:22 PM

Educate yourself about polyamory, if that's what she wants to persue. But don't be afraid to talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel about it too. By learning more, it may calm your fears a bit. Good luck, hopefully you can reach an agreement that works for both of you.

Breathesgirl 07-02-2010 07:42 PM


Xeromag is a totally awesome site with loads of info & quite often he puts a humorous twist on things to help alleviate pressure and make us laugh :).

The Misanthrope site is good too. She has lots of good advice but with a snarky attitude rather than a humorous one.

Both of them will suggest talking to your wife about how you're feeling. Use 'I' statements rather than accusatory 'you' statements. (I feel this way rather than You made me feel this way).

Stop blaming yourself & don't blame her.

sage 07-02-2010 08:20 PM

Welcome, you have come to a very good place, but you are in for an emotional roller coaster ride. I don't think there is anyway around that and polyamory is not something you get to grips with right away. It takes months if not years.

By what you have described I don't think your wife has handled it very well. If I'm reading your post correctly it sounds like she has just taken off to be with this guy and from a distance told you she wants to have him in her life and that she is sleeping with him? Polyamory is about loving more than one person, I don't think she has treated you in a very loving manner and you have a right to some anger.

I am mono and my partner is poly. We started really having some success in working through this dynamic when I started negotiating with him about what is acceptable to me at any given time. His secondary lives a plane flight away too and he would go and stay with her for a four or five days. It was too much. Like you I would be driven mad thinking of them in each others arms. The fact that he was not here made me continually aware that he was there with her and it was painful. As a result he is going to start with spending just one night with her at a time. When I feel better about it they can look at increasing it.

Polyamory only works if all parties are prepared to work together with great love and awareness. There are some links floating around to some really good articles on jealousy that really helped me. If anyone knows what I'm talking about it might be good to put them in a sticky. Even if you weren't a jealous person before the chances are you will be now.

Take care of yourself.



leslie 07-03-2010 09:48 PM

I completely relate to you on this. My husband flew off to see an old girlfriend, after proclaiming himself to be poly. I did a lot of things recommended to me, I read about polyamory, got lots of support from a counselor, planned fun things for myself for the weekend he was away, but I really got fearful when some of the communication agreements we made did not happen.
Now I am wondering if I can tolerate any more visits. They seem to think everything is fine, but I feel very left out, despite the texts she sends me, wishing me well and sending me photos of her kids.
I am not sure how this will go, but I sure to understand how you feel.

dancingalone 07-03-2010 10:02 PM

It does sound a serious breach of communication. Perhaps the two of you need to sit down before anything else goes on and figure out some rules of engagement. Let her know, gently, without accusation, what you went through, so the two of you can figure out what you need to avoid it in the future. And try not to beat yourself up either about the jealousy. The green-eyed montster bites everyone over something, just figure out why you got bit and see what you can do to avoid it. You feel how you feel. I hope you guys can work it out without anymore hurt. Hire a baby sitter and turn off the t.v. and talk about all of it. Maybe consider talking to the old boyfriend yourself. Hope this helps, and I hope it works out well for all of you.

redpepper 07-04-2010 07:32 AM

Everyone has said some really great things here. I think it could be very beneficial to talk to the guy she is going to visit. He needs to know you are real and that he is not the center of her world. You are. Your kids are. There is nothing more of a reality check than meeting a primary and the kids. It brings that NRE to a grinding halt and everything becomes desperately clear for that time... I'm sure he and she will catch on quickly as to if their relationship is worth pursuing when they add you to the mix in their communication...

I suggest also that he come to the two of you... you could offer to pay for some or even all of his airfare, just for the pleasure of his company. I really think that this would add the additional reality check for them and help put it all into perspective. He could stay at a hotel, or you could set him up at a friends place and then they could have dates everyday and take it at the pace it should go at.... which it SLOWLY!

If it were me, I would be very firm with this and explain that the way they are planning is putting your marriage in jeopardy and that is unacceptable for you. You are part of this arrangement, whether they like it or not as YOU are the primary (to me if there are children involved, there needs to be a primary couple). You will have to stand firm and remember that the pace should be based on how you feel, not them. It's okay to back down and say, "actually sweetie, I'm not okay with you going to him... I would feel better if you stay here and give it more time or have him come to us." It's okay to change your mind...

keep talking, keep reading, keep asking questions and STAY STRONG. She is in lala land with her new love (NRE-New Relationship Energy), she is not necessarily going to make the best decisions for her family, she is not necessarily going to think of your best emotional interest, she is not necessarily going to think of anything but herself.... you need to do that for her and keep her in check with it all. At the same time you will have to be willing to give, but not at the expense of your mental health and to the detriment of your family. You come first and so do they.... she might of forgotten that.

DavidWebb 07-04-2010 01:58 PM

Dear hurt,
I can relate. And while that doesn't help your situation directly, I think seeing the number of replies from people who let you know that we feel/felt the same way can make you feel not so alone.

You mention 'cheating'. Is that how you view it? You say you didn't mind her talking to him, but did you agree to her flying to see him. What was that discussion like? Was there any talk of what her expectations were for meeting him? Platonic? Hoping for more? Knowing there would be more?
Your talk of 'cheating' makes me guess that you thought she would not become intimate with him without checking with you first. How would she classify it?

In some ways, I like what redpepper said. I like how redpepper described the situation and what *should* be done. A LOT. (although personally, I wouldn't pay for his flight - if he wants to have a relationship with my wife, make some effort buddy)
**And it annoys me that the burden has to be put on the original mono primary partner.**
So she found someone else to love and take as a lover. Great. Wonderful. But hey, there's still this guy sitting at home that you've been married to for 10 years and have kids with that *wants* to be with just you. Wants to be with someone who *wants* to be with just him. Doesn't want to have to think about her wife being intimate with another man. It seems too easy to chalk certain unintentionally hurtful things up to NRE. It still hurts.

I think your screen name is appropriate.
I hope you find a path through this. There are plenty of success stories and I truly hope yours can become one.


redpepper 07-04-2010 04:48 PM

okay DW, maybe he should pay for his flight... the thing is that she is going to do what she wants anyway, so why not curb the situation to suit husbands needs more. That is what this is all about.

When I was dating and met Mono I was just like her. I was selfish, had my own agenda, wanted to do everything my way and was completely oblivious to what was really going on for Nerdist.

Nerdist was amazing! He kept his emotions largely to himself, because he knew that I was going to go out and do what I needed to for myself anyways. He stood aside while I found my feet in it all and had my independence. He knew he had no control over me.

What benefited me was that when things got pushed too far he put his foot down. When I went off to sleep with Mono a few days after meeting him he called me and said I had to come home. I had breached our agreement and he was very upset about it. I came home, we worked it out. I knew he meant business.... the fact that he had given so much created respect for him in me.

The point is to give in order to receive. He gave me space and freedom, but not at the point of jepordizing what we have and what my responsibilities were to my family. He put my foot down then and I respected and admired him for that.

Maybe part of his ability to give is to create a situation where by he has more say, and that is to bring the guy to him. That way they can go about a process that is more healthy in terms of timing, growing into it and everyone being aware that this is a relationship of three (and kids) rather than two.... of course, if this is a open marriage thing and not poly at all then that is a different story. In open marriages there is not generally inclusion of ones other partners in a relationship dynamic.

As to NRE, it's a bitch and yes, that is what is happening here. It makes people selfish, controlling, and wearing rose coloured glasses as if they are drunk, rather than realizing the full extent of what they are doing. It sucks and seems bizarre, but, completely normal (and needs to be treated like a temporary mental health issue :p).

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