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-   -   My blog (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3103)

assets 07-01-2010 03:03 AM

My blog
 
Well I was in a poly relationship with a man and a woman. Things ended (very) badly but I've come out the other side with a greater understanding of myself and my relationship style. This was my first poly relationship but i realised what was off about all my relationships before this.

I am recently seeing an awesome guy that says he gets polyamory but prefers monogamous relationships. I suspect that he would be okay with me dating other girls. the relationship is very new and we haven't discussed all the nuances of what we both want yet. let's call him J.

I have also had a few dates with another guy that is interested in a play partner. I am also interested but have to discuss this with all parties involved before it goes any where. I have to find out if it is just playing he's interested in or more. So far we've met a couple of times but have just talked. this is B.

They don't know about each other yet but that is something that i will remedy the next time i see both.

Also talking to a girl that I'm crushing on but i think that she's mostly straight so that may just develop into a cool friendship.

I am not taking anything too seriously right now, just testing the waters and having fun.

AutumnalTone 07-01-2010 07:48 PM

Sounds like you're doing well.

assets 08-12-2010 10:04 PM

Well J is no longer in the picture as a partner. He first stated that he wanted an exclusive sexual relationship and then after I agreed to that, for the time being, he decided that he didn't want to have sex at all. First he doesn't want me to have sex with others then he doesn't want sex at all. This after barely seeing each other for 2 months....what the....? He still wants to sleep in the same bed and hold hands and kiss but he's not offering anything else. I told him that I would be seeking other partners if this is the way it's going to be. I will still hang out with him and be friends, we are better that way anyhow.

B is still in the picture, sort of. We put the play discussion on hold in light of J's request but now that's off the table I can open negotiations with B again...;)

I have been thinking a lot about what type of relationships I want in my life. I came from a very dysfunctional relationship earlier this year. It was a very codependent, passive aggressive environment, where everyone always ganged up on one member of the household and that person was made into the bad guy. I, to my shame, joined on these witch hunts and eventually I became the "bad guy". Well that was one of the best things that happened to me. It got me out of a poisonous relationship and a dysfunctional house. Sadly, my 5 yo stepdaughter is still there and there's nothing that i can do about it... Suffice it to say that I am not interested in being in a relationship like that again. Going forward I want to make sure that my relationships are open, honest and loving. I have a lot of my own issues to work on but in the future I think that my relationships will be much more successful, at least i hope so... :rolleyes:

MonoVCPHG 08-12-2010 10:20 PM

Thanks for the update. I wonder why J decided on no sex? I can guess at it from a mono perspective but that's it. I hope your play partner works out though ;)

assets 08-13-2010 02:28 AM

i wonder too Mono, but he won't give me a straight answer so i guess I'll just have to keep wondering...I believe he is mono but when i brought up poly at the beginning he said he was cool with it, then he changed and said that he wanted to be exclusive and now... no sex. This is too much in a barely 2 month old very casual relationship, at least for me it is...

MonoVCPHG 08-13-2010 06:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by assets (Post 39723)
i wonder too Mono, but he won't give me a straight answer so i guess I'll just have to keep wondering...I believe he is mono but when i brought up poly at the beginning he said he was cool with it, then he changed and said that he wanted to be exclusive and now... no sex. This is too much in a barely 2 month old very casual relationship, at least for me it is...

Quick points...the things that seem ok before you fall in love often change after you do...especially in a mono poly dynamic. That cannot be predicted, it has to be experienced to understand.

No sex?....either he's just can't deal with the idea of you having sex with another guy which makes him physically ill, cuts off his energy or renders him impotent (In which case he is fine to have a very close but not sexually intimate relationship with you)

Or..

He is subconsciously punishing you.

Just quick thoughts.

Good luck my friend

assets 08-13-2010 06:51 AM

thanks Mono. I appreciate your input.

Whatever is going on in his head is his own stuff to deal with. I will still support J, be his friend, I just won't sacrifice my happiness for his issues that's what got me into trouble in my last relationship.

here's going forward. I'm pretty excited that i have a date with B tomorrow and then going to a friend's birthday party!

MonoVCPHG 08-13-2010 06:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by assets (Post 39753)
thanks Mono. I appreciate your input.

Whatever is going on in his head is his own stuff to deal with. I will still support J, be his friend, I just won't sacrifice my happiness for his issues that's what got me into trouble in my last relationship.

here's going forward. I'm pretty excited that i have a date with B tomorrow and then going to a friend's birthday party!

It is great to hear that you are aware and confident enough to know how to have a positive relationship with J regardless of what shape it takes. That is so much better than just turning away.

Enjoy your date and the party!

assets 08-18-2010 12:34 AM

I think that J started seeing another girl and that's why he didn't want to have sex with me anymore. It's just a feeling I have based on some arbitrary things I have heard and read. I believe that he's wired mono and so him taking up with another girl and not sleeping with me anymore makes sense in his world. But not telling me or even talking to me for the past 2 weeks, that really sucks. He could have at least had the common decency to let me know the real reason he didn't want to see me anymore. Whatever, I'll cut my losses.

B on the other hand is still very much interested. Sadly he broke his leg on Friday and so our date was postponed...:(

So back to the drawing board and back to being single. sigh.

ImaginaryIllusion 08-18-2010 06:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by assets (Post 40675)
Whatever, I'll cut my losses.

Good plan.
Quote:

Originally Posted by assets (Post 40675)
B on the other hand is still very much interested. Sadly he broke his leg on Friday and so our date was postponed...:(

So back to the drawing board and back to being single. sigh.

That kinda sucks. At least it's only postponed...you know what they say about anticipation!

Hope things start looking up for you soon...it sounds like you've had some valuable lessons out of the last couple relationships...so hopefully with some patience you'll get to people who will teach less, and enjoy more. Or maybe just more enjoyable lessons...either way works.


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