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-   -   heartbroken part 2 (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30950)

jones 10-25-2012 08:00 PM

heartbroken part 2
 
hi everyone,

I will write about what has happened before and now:

We had a rough patch with J ( mine and my primary partner G girlfriend)

we spoke via msn J was getting fed up with the same conversations and we asked her a few quesions:

we asked about why they couldn't come on sunday evening after the day out. J and B (J's primary partner) said they had friends drop over and wouldn't leave.

but really they lied and J said this:

''No... we said that so you wouldn't be hurt, because we couldn't exactly say "we don't want to come over because you went all quiet and angry while we were out"

I was hurt of course by the lying and told her that the lying hurt more.

she said:

''I've said I'm sorry, can't we just leave it now?''

we started talking about our relationship and the fact I am always referred to the best friend and not the girlfriend

J: She IS my best friend
G: so has she ever been your gf?
J:Yes
G:is she now?
J:I don't want to lose either of you

I am trying to work out what she means by the last comment, she doesn't want to lose us both but it is like she doesn't want to tell the truth because I may get upset, want to stop seeing her and try and stop G from seeing her.

next question:

Me:do you think you have to be my gf ( if we even are) to be gaz's? honestly
J:Yes

to me this means she felt she had to be my gf to be G. this wasn't want she wanted with me?

J:I always wanted to see J (me) just as much as I wanted to see you

J:I loved both of you equally, but I always felt like J (me) got upset if I saw you but not her

Me: but are you my gf? do you love me as much as I love you.
J:If I say yes, will it keep us from having this discussion over and over?

there are so many mixed comments here and I can't work out what she is feeling and how she feels or felt about me.

and now the now. I have watched J text G everything she misses about him, how she feels, texts him everyday untill two days ago( she went quiet on us) it breaks my heart, the only time she texts me is to shout at me.

I am posting really to try and help work this out and I can't talk to G, he just shouts at me and its breaking us apart and I can't lose him.

thanks for reading xx

SNeacail 10-26-2012 09:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jones (Post 161653)
''No... we said that so you wouldn't be hurt, because we couldn't exactly say..."

This is my husband

Quote:

I was hurt of course by the lying and told her that the lying hurt more.
Quote:

''I've said I'm sorry, can't we just leave it now?''
husband again:rolleyes:

I totally get your frustration!!! Step back, breath, now do some research.

I recently realized that my husband is not slightly passive aggressive, but instead extremely, nearly textbook, passive aggressive. We actually got into an argument of his definition vs my definition and where he was way off based, I was only minutely correct. While just knowing is not all that helpful, except to re-affirm that I'm not going completely mad, it can also give you an understanding HOW to communicate with certain types of personalities.

Unfortunately, with my husband and I it may be too little too late, but things make a great deal more sense to me now and I'm willing to ignore or at least not take certain comments or behavior personally. This whole incident sounds like a case of LACK OF COMMUNICATION. You didn't make your issues known before you started pouting and brooding and they didn't let you know that your behavior was pushing them away, etc.

YES, they truly do NOT comprehend how the lying could actually hurt more. Then again, they also can't see (no matter how many times you tell them or they witness it) how the fall out of they lie could actually be worse than the initial reaction. Mind boggling, but true.

I HIGHLY recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, in addition, find books and articles on communication that you guys can discuss and work on together. Find articles that describe you and each of your partners, ask them to do the same. You might be surprised at how much your view of your communication style differs from their view and vice versa.

It sounds like she doesn't want to lose you, but the status quo is NOT working, so change the status quo.

jones 10-27-2012 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 161892)
This is my husband





husband again:rolleyes:

I totally get your frustration!!! Step back, breath, now do some research.

I recently realized that my husband is not slightly passive aggressive, but instead extremely, nearly textbook, passive aggressive. We actually got into an argument of his definition vs my definition and where he was way off based, I was only minutely correct. While just knowing is not all that helpful, except to re-affirm that I'm not going completely mad, it can also give you an understanding HOW to communicate with certain types of personalities.

Unfortunately, with my husband and I it may be too little too late, but things make a great deal more sense to me now and I'm willing to ignore or at least not take certain comments or behavior personally. This whole incident sounds like a case of LACK OF COMMUNICATION. You didn't make your issues known before you started pouting and brooding and they didn't let you know that your behavior was pushing them away, etc.

YES, they truly do NOT comprehend how the lying could actually hurt more. Then again, they also can't see (no matter how many times you tell them or they witness it) how the fall out of they lie could actually be worse than the initial reaction. Mind boggling, but true.

I HIGHLY recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, in addition, find books and articles on communication that you guys can discuss and work on together. Find articles that describe you and each of your partners, ask them to do the same. You might be surprised at how much your view of your communication style differs from their view and vice versa.

It sounds like she doesn't want to lose you, but the status quo is NOT working, so change the status quo.

thanks for replying, I will do some research and look at getting that book, the relationship is pretty much over, B doesn't want anything to do with us and J won't talk to me (just G)

I am hurting so much and I wish there was something to work on x


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