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-   -   new-found jealousy as relationship deepens? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30943)

Chaga 10-25-2012 06:08 PM

new-found jealousy as relationship deepens?
 
Hey there Poly People,

So, one of my partners, letís call her ĎTaraí, and I have been together for about half a year. We both have other partners, and this has been lovely. In the last few months, having moved past the honeymoon and subsequent work, we have been really falling in love. We spend a lot of time together, support each other in our endeavors, and the relationship has generally been feeling much more grounded and real. Thereís a lot of love, and talk of sharing space.

Before we met she had met a fellow, lets call him ĎMarkí from a nearby town a few times for coffee, and he was interested in more. They have not been in contact for quite a while, partially for logistical reasons and partially because Tara did not feel as though she had the energy to invest. Mark recently made room in his schedule to come down here (no small feat since he is a single dad, and she travels there for team practice with some regularity) and see her.

Somehow the idea of Tara being intimate with someone who does not know or necessarily respect her makes me twitchy. Itís easy for me to feel totally supportive of her other long-term relationships, because it seems as though those people love her deeply and thereís trust and respect there. But while Iíve been in a few poly relationships now, Iím realizing that Iíve never faced this situation of really caring for someone a great deal and having someone that they donít know well be romantically interested in them.

Intellectually, I can see that I am using a sort of fucked-up double standard here, because I was that guy, right? I thought she was absolutely stunning when we met, and there was a romantic interest right away. Also, I can imagine myself finding another partner and that being healthy and awesome. I can also imagine her finding another partner and that being healthy and awesome. But the imagining is much easier than the possible blossoming reality. All of this makes sense in my mind, but not yet in my heart.

Taraís totally cool with not having any intimacy with Mark until we have more clarity with this, which I think is wise. Unfortunately, it makes me feel as though Iím sort of preventing her from doing something that could be fun and awesome for her.

So I guess Iím just looking for advice on letting go of that internalized cultural programming. How do I speak to my heart and feel supportive and loving of her (and myself) exploring new loves?


One thing that crossed my mind was that Iíd sort of like to meet Mark. I think if I thought of him as a real, dynamic, multifaceted person that I got along with it might help me relax around this some. Would it be reasonable to want to meet my partnerís perspective partners? Anyone have experience with that, or is it sort of possessive and uncouth?

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
Much love everybody,
Trevanion

BoringGuy 10-25-2012 07:41 PM

I sort of had this issue with my Spouse's other relationship when they were about three or four months into seeing each other. I asked for and received an agreement that we meet each other over dinner, which has not happened yet. Just having that agreement, and being friends with and chatting with Spouse's other partner on Facebook has alleviated those feelings within myself for the time being. Mind you - the metamour has never DONE anything to raise flags with me; they are very considerate and respectful toward both of us (spouse and me) and toward our relationship. I recognize that those feelings were mine and mine to deal with. By the same token, i WANT them to spend as much time together as all 3 of our schedules permit. I don't feel any jealousy; i just care that Spouse is happy and that they treat each other well.

I hope this helps you somewhat.

MeeraReed 10-25-2012 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chaga (Post 161642)

So I guess Iím just looking for advice on letting go of that internalized cultural programming. How do I speak to my heart and feel supportive and loving of her (and myself) exploring new loves?

Recognize that this is your own internal issue, and don't project it onto to Tara. Give her the freedom to conduct her other relationships in her own way, on her own terms. Trust that if Mark turns out to be a douchebag, Tara will figure that out and send him on his way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chaga (Post 161642)

One thing that crossed my mind was that Iíd sort of like to meet Mark. I think if I thought of him as a real, dynamic, multifaceted person that I got along with it might help me relax around this some. Would it be reasonable to want to meet my partnerís perspective partners? Anyone have experience with that, or is it sort of possessive and uncouth?

Well, a lot of a poly people do have a rule that a prospective new partner has to meet everyone before the relationships starts. That's often an important requirement when there are kids involved. It certainly can help metamours feel comfortable with each other.

It seems like that sort of rule usually applies most strongly in cases where there is a primary couple (or some other committed poly configuration) who have been together a long time. There is an established primary relationship or household which must be "protected" from "outsiders."

As a single person, I'm a bit leery of dating anyone if I would have to meet their boyfriend/girlfriend immediately, before I even have the chance to see if I click with the person I might want to date. I would be very uncomfortable with that.

You've only been with Tara for, what, six months? Yeah, I'm sorry to say, it comes across as a bit "possessive and uncouth" that you feel the need to put your stamp of approval on her new guy.

Your feelings are totally normal. Don't get me wrong--your feelings are understandable. But I think this is a case where you just need to sit on your feelings and let Tara go about her business as usual.

BoringGuy 10-25-2012 09:58 PM

You could say that you would PREFER to meet the other guy, not that you INSIST on meeting the other guy. Those are two totally different things.

Or you could say you would LIKE to meet the other guy, which is even more neutral and non-threatening.

nycindie 11-04-2012 04:46 AM

Yes, you do sound possessive. What makes you say that this guy Mark is not necessarily respectful of her? Just because they are starting to get to know each other? He must have moved mountains to arrange this trip if he's a single dad, so obviously there is some motivation there. Ya gotta start somewhere.

Let her manage her relationships and you manage yours, including the one you have with yourself. Try to take a look at why you feel superior to and competitive with this guy. What does it bring up for you? Fear of loss? Just a change in your environment and feeling out of control? Dig deep, but don't expect Tara to make you feel better by giving up something she wants - that would only be a Phyrric victory and you'd have "won" but would feel like shit about it. If, after a few dates, she feels like she and Mark have something and they wish to continue seeing each other, I am sure she will want to introduce him to her other partners. But to make it a requirement? Ick. Kinda dictator-ish. You don't want veto power, do you? She should be able to be involved with whomever she feels drawn to without needing your approval of who that is, I think.


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