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Silkanie 10-25-2012 07:20 AM

One Of Many Lost
To be honest I don't have any clue what is the right way to introduce myself here...I've rewritten this post a dozen times and as both an engineering student and a creative writer this frustrates me quite thoroughly through both my creativity and logic. I have written posts that would babble and posts that would be drama in my emotional rhythm and others that would bore the earth's stones.

I am spoken for, but those I love are at this time scattered on the wind chasing dreams and building towards our goals as a family. I am a weak, insecure person however, who can not help but ache for them and I haven't any advice on how to express myself or care for them or how to best be diplomatic about our problems. I am one of many lost and youthful who is looking for advice and friends so that I might better myself and my family and maybe along the way gain some confidence to shore up my own insecurities.

Stevenjaguar 10-25-2012 07:22 PM

Well, the first thing is don't be diplomatic. Be blunt and specific. Hey, it's a website right? By the way you express yourself I can tell you're a writer. Bore the earth's stones - I have to use that!

We all have people we love who are far away, we can't get to or are otherwise unavailable to us, so let fly. You're in good company here.

kdt26417 10-25-2012 08:23 PM

Hello Silkanie,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like you have quite a few LDRs on the stove. But, you're all planning to move closer together in the future? What types of issues are triggering your insecurities? What problems are you finding hard to bring up diplomatically?

Give us some more details, there'll be many people here who want to help.

Kevin T.

Silkanie 10-25-2012 09:24 PM

I've been actively part of internet communities for over a decade now, and I've seen more than a few potential friendships hurt by people being rude. To bring everyone reading this up to pace on my relationship situation. I have been in a relationship with one of my partners for seven years, it has been a long distance relationship as we complete our educations and build our way towards eachother, starting out as pen pals and writers and roleplayers. Over those years we each had a specific friend that we came to rely on for emotional support and advice. One point during our relationship a few years back, when our relationship was still open he began to have feelings for the friend he relied on, the sort of just friends sex they were having took on something more. I didn't feel it was right to insist he abandon his friend even though he said he would for me but they either had to separate and stop (as he admitted that he couldn't resist the temptation when they were together but wouldn't choose that over me as I'd been there so long), I also attribute a fair degree of importance to the people who take care of those I love. I was jealous of this friend and angry but at the same time I wanted to be affectionate to them for all the help they had been. The result is that I first became polyamorous after many long and emotional conversations with both of who I will refer to as 'the boys' and my own close friend over here who suggested that polyamory was a solution that the problem was 'roughly' solved.

Over the next year I became mostly celebate as the newest addition of our family was in some ways nervous about 'care free' but 'safe' sex during the long periods of separation and with the hard English economic times and increases in tuition here at my own school in Arizona (as I am currently an engineering student), the times between our personal contact has grown and the hard work and moving in of the both of them made contact harder. I started to rely on my own close friend more and eventually my rather excessive sexual desires got the best of me and with consent of my partners again I went of intending to have some fun that ended disastrously and then found myself on the couch of my close friend and eventually cuddling in my room as they comforted me through some of the emotional problems that resulted.

Later that night we had sex for the first time and in some ways that disaster was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Over the next few months it became apparent to me that I couldn't not have feelings for someone who had been so supportive of me for so long but I didn't want to leave the boys either, I loved them both in spite of the problems we had/have run aground of. At that point our family grew to be four two here, two there. Everything was wonderful and we were and are making progress, there's no question in my mind that we can and will eventually make it.

I however have some fairly serious emotional baggage from an abusive childhood and bear many emotional scars from the constant scrutiny of people who look at me like an alien when I try to proudly bring up the life I lead and 'Yena as I will refer to my girlfriend is teaching English in Spain for a year as she has wanted to for many years like her parents did before her. Once again I am alone and my insecurities frequently rear their heads without someone to lean on. My family out of concern for my emotional health, wants me to find new friends I can talk to about things, and the LGBTQ and other groups around here treat polyamory as swinging or sleeping around, while that's the last thing I want to do any more.

Right now there's a relationship problem where I have trouble keeping in touch with one of the boys as he's seldom on his computer any more as he just goes to bed with exhaustion after his work and seldom gets on before and if he does I'm worn out and asleep. However I have trouble expressing myself to him without him feeling like he's not good enough. The other boy, who was my original boyfriend has 'moved away from' the sorts of writing and hobbies we used to share and it undermines my security to feel like we don't do anything together, and then 'yena is overwhelmed by her own work as a teacher. I don't personally know how to handle my present emotional starvation productively and I don't know how to bring up the issue productively...

kdt26417 10-25-2012 09:52 PM

I suspect that most LDRs are difficult; it's hard to get a connection with the person who perhaps once was in contact with you every day.

Email is something to try, if your partners check and answer their emails. Or if they don't, even snail mail. It's important for you to let them know that you need more contact.

You might also see what other social resources are available in your area. Try googling "polyamory" with the name of your state or town (e.g. Arizona polyamory), and find out if there are any poly groups close to you. Or, just look for clubs of anything you are interested in, so you have a chance to be in contact with some nearby people.

It is hard to have people not get what polyamory means, so Polyamory.com is a valuable online community you can turn to.

You are in a tough spot; I am sympathetic.

Kevin T.

Silkanie 10-26-2012 02:59 AM

More the issue is that they check, but they don't always have the energy to respond...we're all so hard pressed right now with all of the effort we're putting into our respective jobs.

kdt26417 10-26-2012 07:18 PM

Well that's like double LDR. Distance and time both separate you guys.

How often (or seldom) do you hear from them? When you do hear from them, is it usually by text? phone? email? skype? etc.

Perhaps if they could just do some little thing to keep in touch with you more. A text at the end of each day, even if it's short. A phone call you can expect on the weekends. Maybe a combination of things. You need a negotiation process to brainstorm which kinds of concessions they can conceivably make.

You must be pretty busy with your own job. What do you usually do with whatever little spare time you have? It could make a difference on how well you can cope with this LDR thing, but I think you're also in need of finding the courage to bring up some difficult things with your companions.

Does interacting on Polyamory.com help? How can we be of a better help?

Hang in there, things will get better.

Kevin T.

Silkanie 10-26-2012 07:47 PM

As a fourth year engineering student I spend about 20-30 hours a week at work, and about 30-40 hours around home doing homework/projects/studying and then another 18 hours in class/on campus waiting for classes. Once a week I go off and play table top with some of my friends for four ish hours and a couple of hours doing yard work. I typically go short on sleep because I can't sleep if I feel something is undone. As a software engineer I spend a lot of time waiting for things to run and compile which means a lot of time dwelling, time I used to spend writing quite a lot...but, I let my problems get in the way now and I don't know how to push them aside.

I would go out and do things, but I have to be around to pick up my work when it's ready again...I'm taking 15 credit hours and have four project heavy classes this semester, I'm sure it's not helping anything but the original idea was that I would be too busy to be lonely during the year 'yena was gone and instead it seems I've only made myself have more time to dwell...

I guess the positive conversations are helping though? Thinking about how to most honestly and accurately respond in some ways helps...I'm still trying to convince them to respond with emails at least once every couple of days, but the boys are working retail and it's the holiday season so the industry is barely less than 'abusive' through a day of work and 'yena is teaching...seven classes of english twice a week and learning spanish and working on building up a career as a freelance writer, ghost writer, and novelist.

One of the boys (my first partner of the group that I'll assign the label of kitten I'll call the other foxy so that we're calling everyone by something more specific now) talks to me every couple of days, and I'm the most secure about him and the way he responds to me, talks on IM with me every few days. I'm afraid to be putting too much a burden on him because he's always who hears about my insecurities and frustrations and who reassures me. 'Yena often vanishes for up to and over a week when things get tough, but we sneak in web cam conversations from time to time, more recently many of these have been canceled because the times for them conflict with unanticipated meetings for her work or in her exhaustion they slip her mind. Normally I'm fairly confident about her, but the separation and time dwelling gets at me...honestly it's never good when I think too long on myself and while I've come a long way since my childhood I don't know as I'll ever be 'all better'. Foxy is who I'm most concerned and most insecure about as he often only talks for short periods of time and I often don't have much of his attention because he'll be playing a game or trying to fix something. Some times he'll go to take care of a chore and say he'll be back, but then he just ends up crashing. Sometimes I get a chance to talk to him several times in a week, other times I don't see or hear from him for two weeks even though Kitten is always there to pass on a kiss for me or update me on his health and if he's doing ok at work and whatnot.

kdt26417 10-26-2012 08:36 PM

Sounds like an in-depth talk is due with Foxy, just letting him know you need more of his undivided attention. Something like, "I need us to talk more often, and without doing other things while we're talking." It sounds like communication and keeping in touch isn't as important to Foxy as it is to you. Maybe he has a different love language, or just isn't as intensely involved.

You should probably talk to 'Yena about this too, considering some of your scheduled contacts have slipped her mind. I doubt they slip your mind, so there is a disconnect there. Can you call her if she doesn't call you?

It's okay to vent a little to Kitten, but you should also go straight to the people that are causing you some anxiety by their failure to really be present when they're supposed to be talking to you. You don't have to frame this as something they're doing bad, you can point out to them that you still have some childhood issues and could use some help with that.

The important thing here, from what I can tell, is working up the nerve to have these difficult conversations. Also maybe you could do some reading while waiting for things to run and compile, or find other things you're interested in to help with that.

I'm sure things will be difficult for awhile, but there are probably things you can do to mitigate that.

Silkanie 10-26-2012 08:53 PM

I have tried a few ways to ask for Foxy's attention and to these problems of mine, he tends to be easy to 'hurt', I'm still trying to figure out how to ask things of him without making him feel overwhelmed or like he's not good enough.

The problems with staying in touch with 'Yena are much more recent...I unfortunately can't call her direction as typically if she's on her computer and not online she's gone somewhere there isn't internet and regular cell calls aren't economically sound at the going rates between here and there.

I will talk to them both, and see about some other things to distract myself.

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