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-   -   Devastated (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30874)

Vosh 10-24-2012 05:01 PM

My girlfriend and I have been together for ten years and I love her more than anything. But over the last week and a half she has been talking to a friend we both knows and then says she's going to get into a polyamory relatioship with him and I could do two things about it..nothing and like it.
Now no disscution was had about this, my feelings were not taken into consideration, and worst of all her mother thinks I should just go away(slink away as she put it). On top of that she's going over to his place to spend the night tonight and have sex and"play scene".
All this and heres the worst part, at her moms urging deny me sex until I show paperwork that I'm clean with no std's while giving her advice on how to deal with me being"possessive" which I'm not but really hurt by this.
This guy hasn't been tested or shown his paperwork and I'm supposed to be ok with this? Ten years and now this all comes to light.
Can anyone please advise me on this matter?
thanks so much,

Stevenjaguar 10-24-2012 05:07 PM

Damn, sounds like you're getting totally discounted. I'd be mad as hell.

Vosh 10-24-2012 05:17 PM

I am mad as hell but trying to contain it. It's true my feelings were totally not taken into cosideration nor was I invited to even participate. I thought if this happened that we would do this together and I would be involved.
She states I'm not being replaced....sure as hell feels like it

dingedheart 10-24-2012 05:18 PM

What did you do to piss off her mother ?

What the age of all these players?

Why don't you have the paperwork ? just get it....hand it directly to the mother. Did you do something to break the trust ?

How do you know the guy didn't fork over clean paperwork?

Whats her dad say?....maybe he could vouch for you (10yr relationship) and intercede asking for paperwork from the FNG....a stall tactic.

What kind of scene were they planning ?

Vosh 10-24-2012 05:25 PM

heres the scoop
Her mother never warmed to me and her dad left her and her mom when she was young. The paperwork is coming and I have copies in my files(ever six months is my rule).
I was told by her it didn't matter to her if he had or does not have paperwork..she's having sex with him and thats that.
I'm 35 shes 32 and he's 28.
and as far as trust and did I break it...noi just could not do that to her

opalescent 10-24-2012 05:26 PM

Do you want to stay in this relationship as it currently is? Has your girlfriend consistently ignored your desire for input, your wishes and needs? If so, then this is just a more extreme version of an old pattern. Decide if you want to change this pattern (if it exists). Or if this is totally new, is there something new going on in your relationship? Some new stressor?

And yes the consequence of your decisions may be the relationship ends. But it would be your decision, your thoughts and ideas about what you want.

Oh, as someone who had a difficult MIL, tell the mother you are no longer discussing your relationship with her at all, ever. Her opinion is not wanted or needed and you will not listen to it. If she tries, leave the room or hang up. You can't control your girlfriend's inappropriate inclusion of her mother in her business but you do not have to accept her in your business.

Hey, if the relationship ends, you get to have nothing to do with the mother!

Vosh 10-24-2012 05:34 PM

don't want the relationship to end but it looks like it's going to but like you say won't have to deal with her mother

MoonElf 10-24-2012 05:37 PM

Wow, ok.

She didn't talk with you about this new relationship she's engaging at all?
Did you guys had a poly arrangement on your own relationship previous to that? If you do, what are the terms?

It sounds really inconsideate of her to just decide on her own she'll be in another relationship and never consider your feelings on this, even if you guys had a previous poly arrangement.

I do realise it IS a stress factor, but nevermind her mother for now. Did you comunicate to her how you feel about it? How do you feel about it? Is your problem with her sleeping with him, or sleeping with other people in general?

I'm sorry you're going through this. :(

opalescent 10-24-2012 05:51 PM


Originally Posted by Vosh (Post 161383)
don't want the relationship to end but it looks like it's going to but like you say won't have to deal with her motheir

No, no, no. Decide if YOU want to end the relationship or not. None of this wishy washy shit happens to me business. You love her and want to stay in a relationship with her. That seems clear. Tell her that clearly. Tell her it is unacceptable how she is handling an outside sexual relationship. You deserve better than to be treated like that. (You are far away from even considering if the two of you can make poly work.) Tell her what you need from her to be in a good respectful relationship.

And yes you might still break up. You have no control over her actions or thoughts. All you can do is decide what you want, communicate that clearly, set the limits you need and see how she responds. In other words make her openly break up with you instead of making you pull the trigger when you finally stop taking her vicious behavior. And what she is doing is vicious and mean.

Really I bet you would be much happier without her and her mother.

BTW, losing the MIL was the only good thing about my divorce.

Vosh 10-24-2012 05:54 PM

it hurts truly
We never had a poly agreement or even talked asbout ot until a year ago when we were joking around about it and next thing I know is "hey I'm doing this either get ok with it ,deal with it or just sit and be jealous and go away"
no real disscussion wasad and she will do what she will...no matter how I feel about it

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