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-   -   Hierarchy and non-hierarchy in the same polyship. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30869)

CattivaGattina 10-24-2012 04:12 PM

Hierarchy and non-hierarchy in the same polyship.
Do any of you have this in your polyships? I've realized I sometimes have difficulties with making sure my own mental and emotional well being as well as my partners are all taken care of due to these things.

Myself: I do not really see myself as having any hierarchy in my relationships. My relationship with Woodsmith is as important and deserving of attention/time/love/etc as my relationship with Primal, my relationship with Lamian/Darkeyes, and my metamour-ship with Peaseblossum.

Primal from what I can see is basically the same sort of set up as me (but I'm willing to put myself to the side even if I need something for Peaseblossum because she is only able to see him once a week during the week or once during the weekend so when they have that time I make sure they get that time).

Lamian views Primal and Darkeyes as co-primaries and everyone else lies below.

Darkeyes, Peaseblossum, and Woodsmith all view their individual partners as primaries because well that's currently their only partners.

It's weird and difficult at times helping people who use the primary/secondary system feel important while those of us who don't make sure that we don't put any of our other relationships on hold because of the other people.

So if anyone has ever dealt with this, how did you work on making things work out well?

CattivaGattina 10-24-2012 04:28 PM

Oh, and I know this is bad but it's how I am, I also need to work on making myself my own primary. I'm very bad at putting my wants or needs last on the list to take care of someone else's wants/needs.

MeeraReed 10-24-2012 04:48 PM

My situation is a little like that, although it's still in the hypothetical stage.

I'm my own primary and am happily single-by-choice. I'd like to have two or three lover-friends who do not live with me. I suppose they would be secondaries to my own self-primary status, but they will not be hierarchical to each other.

I have only one lover-friend right now. He is single but is looking for a primary partner / life partner / marriage-and-kids partner. If he finds one while he is still seeing me, she will be his primary and I will be something like his secondary (which sounds great to me).

But I won't necessarily consider him my secondary, if that makes sense.

I haven't yet dated a married/partnered poly person, but if I do, I expect to feel comfortable with hierarchy and being a secondary (or being one of several secondaries). In fact, the appeal of not being someone's primary is why I seek out poly men in the first place.

However, from my point of view, my lovers (regardless of whether they have their own primaries) will not be ranked in hierarchical relations to each other.

I don't see why that can't work.

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