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-   -   In need of some help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3085)

chefett 06-29-2010 03:54 AM

In need of some help
 
My boyfriend wants a poly relationship, Im trying to adjust my thinking habits about relationships to help him out with this but i have a few rules. rule number one.... If/when he finds his second we must sleep in separate rooms every night. Rule number 2 a certain woman he wants he can not have due to the fact that i found some not so good emails between the two of them. He says they are just friends. am i being unreasonable ?

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2010 06:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chefett (Post 34022)
My boyfriend wants a poly relationship, Im trying to adjust my thinking habits about relationships to help him out with this but i have a few rules. rule number one.... If/when he finds his second we must sleep in separate rooms every night. Rule number 2 a certain woman he wants he can not have due to the fact that i found some not so good emails between the two of them. He says they are just friends. am i being unreasonable ?

I'm wondering if he has found poly because he wants to include that one woman you don't want him to have? I'm thinking you feel he has already crossed a line with her and see her as a person he has betrayed you with. That would be hard to accept but it does happen. If you don't want to share a bed with him when he finds a secondary, that indicate that you won't be doing this for the right reasons. Perhaps you should consider being with someone who you will want to spend each night with?

chefett 06-29-2010 06:54 AM

thank you. I do feel that he has betrayed me with this woman but not in a sexual way. I know that he loves me and I too am very much in love with him and I think some people are just born poly kinda like some people are born gay and i just happened to fall in love with a poly person. I dont want to share a room because I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's going to be out doing things with other women/woman and come climb into bed with me. Do I take on a roll of the non-sex partner? is that still poly? How do I sort out my feelings? Am I wrong in trying to do this for my boyfriend ? Are my rules just my way of not letting this happen ? because he says he wont do it if we have to sleep apart and not make love to each other. Also while he's out with whoever he chooses what am I to do ? Sit at home and Clean? I'm so confused.

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2010 07:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chefett (Post 34033)
thank you. I do feel that he has betrayed me with this woman but not in a sexual way. I know that he loves me and I too am very much in love with him and I think some people are just born poly kinda like some people are born gay and i just happened to fall in love with a poly person. I dont want to share a room because I still can't wrap my mind around the fact that he's going to be out doing things with other women/woman and come climb into bed with me. Do I take on a roll of the non-sex partner? is that still poly? How do I sort out my feelings? Am I wrong in trying to do this for my boyfriend ? Are my rules just my way of not letting this happen ? because he says he wont do it if we have to sleep apart and not make love to each other. Also while he's out with whoever he chooses what am I to do ? Sit at home and Clean? I'm so confused.

I know the idea of being a non-sexual partner. I have offered it many times because I felt I could better support Redpepper's freedom in that capacity. Like your boyfriend she does not want this. What is or isn't poly is not the issue (that debate is endless lol!) Perhaps your rules are just to put up impossible blocks which again is not a sign of healthy acceptance. Anyone can suffer through this, but you want to be healthy in it first and foremost. What do you do? Maybe explore starting up your own additional relationship or maybe use the time to do something else you want to. How does your boyfriend feel about you exploring others sexually? How do you feel about it?

chefett 06-29-2010 02:06 PM

I thought my rules were what I needed but Sauce (that's my boyfriend) said the same thing that I'm putting up walls that I know he wont climb. That's us in the profile pic I'm 40yrs and he's 30 I'm kinda set in the ways that i think a relationship goes but he's not and I'm trying to change that way of thinking and be healthy but it's hard. I'm changing the core of who I am. Sauce says he would be ok with me having a secondary partner but that maybe because he knows that would never happen. I do not want nor do I need a second partner. But then again he is alot more into poly and a free way of thinking and being. Thank you for your help. I just trying to get my feet back on solid ground here.

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2010 05:06 PM

You and your boyfriend seem to be comunicating and respecting each other with great care. Sounds like you have a good base to explore this avenue of relationships. Do each of you have other sources for support locally? Forums are great but face to face support is also very important.

chefett 06-29-2010 05:49 PM

I was hoping that we did. and no all we have is the forums at this point. But we are trying. Thank you so much

redpepper 06-29-2010 09:19 PM

Rules and boundaries are very important when you start out. There is no doubt about it, its hard work! We all have had different degrees of that on here, be rest assured. Its important to remember that things change as you go along. Your rules should not be set in stone. They need to be changed as you go along and experience each new aspect of this journey. I don't think its unreasonable to ASK that he hold off on pursuing a romantic connection with this woman you saw an email from. You can't MAKE him, but you can request and he can say okay or not.

Often there is a time limit that involves having processed how you feel about stuff. Perhaps one day you will feel okay about his contacting her again.

As with the bed thoughts? Ya, you are no where near ready to start a poly relationship dynamic if you are giving him the ultimatum of not ever being sexual with him again if he dates other women. It might be best to sit and figure out your common goals together. Do you even have any? If you do, then great, you can begin baby step rules and boundaries. If your goal is to have his undivided attention and you can see no other path, then perhaps its time to let him go. Maybe not right away, but plan for that inevitability. We have a friend that is in a mono relationship. They know it will end one day but enjoy what they have right now.

As for what you could be doing while he is occupied (and you will find you will have a lot of free time)? You could be spending that time taking care of yourself. Treat yourself, better yourself, volunteer, read self help books, visit friends. Get used to your time and become independant rather than co-dependant. If it doesn't work out you will be better for it and if it does your will be better for it. Its win-win.

Last thoughts... Read lots on this forum. There is a lot of info that will be helpful. A lot of common thoughts and stories. Also remember to take your time. There is no rush and each step should be well exhausted before taking the next step. In no time poly life becomes very complicated and emeshed. Its best to be fluid with communication honesty as soon and as often as you can. Best to start practicing that right away in the context of starting off slowly.

chefett 06-29-2010 10:20 PM

Hi. I would like to introduce myself, my Name is Karen and I am the REAL Chefett. All the previous posts we made by my bf... Sauce. I have been reading and offering suggestions to him, communicating looking for compromise, But I wasn't ready to post yet. I apologize to and thank you all for your insight and responses. If anyone is interested in what I have to say let me know.

redpepper 06-30-2010 12:01 AM

Hi and welcome, it would be great if the two of you could get your own profiles so we don't get confused.... thanks! :D


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