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-   -   Can bondage be poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30813)

BlackJester 10-23-2012 09:59 PM

Can bondage be poly?
 
Hey all, minor recap to those whom I haven't met, my girlfriend of three years and are are just embarking on the concept of polyamory, and other consensual non monogamy. Few nights ago she approached me about her fetish (if it counts as one) about being involved with multiple partners at once sexually. A gangbang to put a blunt point. I'm perfectly ok with this and it actually makes me feel more accepted that she shares the views I do in some capacity already.

Here's where things get kinky. I'm into self bondage and she's expressing more direct interest in traditional BDSM, especially since I disclosed my views on polyamory. My question to the masses is whether or not BDSM can be a healthy mechanic in this situation? We're the sweetest things to each other day to day and the sex is fantastic with our newfound excitement, but I can't help wonder if this would be a healthy environment for poly realtions if the control games of BDSM are present. Thoughts, views?

CattivaGattina 10-23-2012 10:08 PM

My fiancee and I have a mix of a regular and BDSM relationship (I'm a submissive). My relationship with Lamian and Darkeyes is a pure BDSM one (I'm their pet). My relationship with Primal has no BDSM elements in it.

So yes, poly relationships can work within a BDSM setting.

BrigidsDaughter 10-23-2012 10:21 PM

Poly can and does work within a BDSM framework. There are a couple fetlife poly groups you can look into. But I would caution you that not everyone kinky is looking for a loving relationship.

BlackJester 10-23-2012 10:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter (Post 161258)
Poly can and does work within a BDSM framework. There are a couple fetlife poly groups you can look into. But I would caution you that not everyone kinky is looking for a loving relationship.

And not everyone looking for love will be kinky. Fact of life it seems lmao.

LovingRadiance 10-23-2012 10:43 PM

It can. But doesn't necessarily.

I am submissive to one partner, Dominant to the other.

My submissive partner has a tattoo on the back of his neck acknowledging his submission to me. :) Very cool.

We do have a rule:
No one else Dom's my sub and I have no other subs..
No one else Dom's me but my Dom and my Dom takes no other subs.

It's ok to play with BDSM activities with others if one wishes-but no formal recognition of position.

BlackJester 10-24-2012 12:13 AM

@radiance: I'd love to hear more about that tat (ink freak lmao) and very interesting relationship model, very clearly defined rules without the pigeon hole problem of "must match criteria"

GalaGirl 10-24-2012 01:54 AM

There are some poly people who are into BDSM, and there are some BDSM people that are into poly. But it isn't an "automatic" interest. Just because one is into poly -- that doesn't mean they will automatically be into BDSM too. Just because someone is into BDSM -- it doesn't mean they are into poly.

Both require excellent communication to execute well.

But I don't see how multiple partner sex in a BDSM context is poly unless you already have established some kind of polyship with these people. Then you are in polyship who happen to be sharing sex in a BDSM style.

Otherwise it is multipartner sex BDSM style -- people coming together to have that single, stand alone experience. But not necessarily a polyship coming out of the shared sex experience.

Whether it is healthy or not -- that depends on all the players and their healths going in.

Galagirl

nycindie 10-24-2012 08:44 PM

There are plenty of poly people who are kinky, plenty who are vanilla, and every shade in between.

Polyamory is simply a framework for managing multiple relationships. Those relationships can involve whatever sexual practices you want, if everyone agrees and is into it. Group sex is not a defining feature of polyamory, nor does every poly person participate in group sex or any other kink. However, poly and kinky practices are not incongruent with each other.

There is a long "Master Thread" on the topic here: BDsm

If you do a search for other terms that interest you, I am sure you will find some other discussions that may be helpful or illuminating.

LovingRadiance 10-25-2012 03:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackJester (Post 161273)
@radiance: I'd love to hear more about that tat (ink freak lmao) and very interesting relationship model, very clearly defined rules without the pigeon hole problem of "must match criteria"

I designed the tat-but I don't have a pic of it on my laptop. I think there is one on my fb. I'll see if I can find one in the next day or so. It's a figure 8 sideways (eternity symbol) made of a three color braid (green, red, purple) with the words "Her wish, my command".

And yes-I have VERY VERY different dynamics with each of my loves in poly and in D/s. They are VERY VERY VERY different people. ;)

ahpook33 10-25-2012 03:26 PM

Of course the only rules that count are the ones that work for you & your loved ones in your relationships.

That said, speaking as someone who has been involved in poly relationships, and power-exchange bdsm relationships for over a decade, I can say for sure (for myself) that healthy poly has to involve people consensually deciding what is right for themselves.

I have seen power-exchange based poly relationships go boom because some master/mistress ordered their slave/property to do something that was against that person's poly or mono nature, whether it was have no other relationships, or to have a relationship that they didn't really want.

Feelings cannot be dominated. It's like trying to whip the stormy seas into submission with a cat-o-nine tails.


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