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-   -   Touch (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3081)

redpepper 06-28-2010 11:53 PM

Touch
 
There seems to be three kinds of touch: no touch, cuddles and sex

- how are these three negotiated within relationships, if there are at all... either all of them in one relationship or different levels with different relationships? What are the expectations and assumptions that come up around touch? What do you like in terms of touch and how much are you willing to accept the differences that other partners have in your poly lives or that of your partners partners?

Ariakas 06-29-2010 12:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 34001)
There seems to be three kinds of touch: no touch, cuddles and sex

- how are these three negotiated within relationships, if there are at all... either all of them in one relationship or different levels with different relationships? What are the expectations and assumptions that come up around touch? What do you like in terms of touch and how much are you willing to accept the differences that other partners have in your poly lives or that of your partners partners?

I was about to say, its all based on instinct for me. The people who are cuddly are cuddly. Sex usually comes naturally, you can feel it, I have never had to negotiate sex.

BUT...I have one friend who I am very close with, I love her as a dear friend, and she is very non cuddly. We usually ask each other if we want to hug or cuddle. There is no expectation either way except for permission.

So I guess I currently base, most of the time, touch on instinct but I am aware of people individual choice on personal space :)

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2010 01:01 AM

I'll hug almost anyone to say hello and good bye. I'll cuddle children but no other adult besides Lilo. I just don't like sharing my energy with people through touch..especially in a cuddling sense. I also don't want anyone who isn't my Lover to share their energy with me through any form of touch other than a hug hello and a hug good bye...I will give hugs for emotional support to those I care about though.

I'm pretty hands off.

Touch is a tricky subject though. I never questioned touch in my monogamous relationships..it was such an automatic awareness of what was ok and what wasn't. Poly is sooo gray :rolleyes:

SourGirl 06-29-2010 03:21 AM

Good Subject.

I am very hands-off to people I don`t know. I did not like strangers touching me when I was pregnant, nor even family and friends touching my belly when I was pregnant. I`m slightly irritated if someone I don`t know, in a social situation, puts their hands on me to move past me, rather then just asking me to move.

However I don`t tend to stew over things that others don`t know or understand.
If it is truly harmless, I don`t say a word....but If someone touches me that hasn`t spoke to me beforehand, as a come-on, I am not pleased.


Now that I sound like a total prude,.... :)


I am fine with hugs hello, and good-bye from people I have good first impressions with, or obviously likeable people I know socially, family, and friends.

Cuddling would be for romantic interests only.(Outside of my kids and husband,... I could hug and cuddle forever !) I very much try and do cuddling at a level that feels compatable to both of us cuddling. My amount of cuddling is very mood oriented, but however my fellow cuddlers feel is very cool with me. I find I am very understandable to various amounts in different individuals.

Long as it isn`t overkill. I don`t care to be mauled.

I could not do the 'group hug' scenario, or community cuddling type of stuff. Ever. Not even to appease. lol

booklady78 06-29-2010 03:52 AM

I love hugs :D
My family was typically very affectionate growing up, so I'm used to hugs and kisses. I wouldn't say I hug everyone, but there are few friends that I don't hug now and then.

Holding hands, touching, hugs, etc. with my guys is very important to me.
More intimate touching is something that I never realized I really valued until I met my boyfriend. He's very affectionate, gentle, touching is a big part of our relationship. I didn't realize until about a year ago how much I liked it and wanted more of it from my husband. He's affectionate too, it's just sometimes you don't know what you're missing until it's gone or you get it :P

LovingRadiance 06-29-2010 04:58 AM

I'm a very touchy feely person-but not with people I don't know AND TRUST.

I will hug hello and goodbye-like Mon.

I do NOT like people touching me when I'm pregnant without MY EXPRESS permission. That flat ticks me OFF.

I hug, kiss, cuddle and love on the kids all of the time.

I like to hug and snuggle with my guys.

I'm comfortable with my Em and my baby sister and my brother hugging, snuggling, sticking my feet in their lap or vice versa.

I'll hold hands with someone in pain or need and with my guys or my kids.

:rolleyes:

rpcrazy 06-29-2010 06:51 PM

I pretty much want cuddlez from everyone I love, or have feelings for. It makes me sad because this is not the case. Sometimes when I connect with what people write on here I feel like if they were near me i would totally give them a hug. And not a whimpy hug, but a caring full hug attached with lingering hands.

I don't know...i wish more people for affection sluts like me :/

SayYes 06-29-2010 09:16 PM

RP, I'm pretty much the same way. I'm not very touchy-feely until I'm pretty close to someone, but once I am, I'm a super cuddly person, with both friends and lovers. Even when I was monogamous, my husband always knew that there was no way I would ever give up snuggling with my friends, male and female. I just really like that physical closeness with those I care about.

redpepper 06-29-2010 09:29 PM

Thanks for all the responses thus far. I'm more interested in hearing how it works with different partners rather than your particular preferences. How do your partners and you deal with various levels of touching and acceptance of touching between others?

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2010 09:36 PM

I guess you could just use the, "how do I think my partner would feel if they saw me" rule. Knowing your partner, try to imagine what they would be feeling if they were watching you with some one else. How would they react? How would you act differently if they were witnessing it? Would you be as close? Maybe it's just better if they don't see or know it if it obviously doesn't cross boundaries. Some people would be very sensitive to something that wouldn't phase you.


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