Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3074)

Endicott 06-26-2010 09:47 PM

Online Dating… OKCupid... what a trip. What works for you?
 
Poly dating is fun! I haven’t dated in 30 yrs as a "single" man (Pru and I were always a couple...a package deal) and it has been an illuminating experience.

Dating as a poly, to me, is difficult.

Monog women are scared of the idea as it smacks, in their mind, of infidelity. Many can’t conceive of an open loving relationship and find it too difficult to comprehend. Some confuse it with swinging (understandable, as there are common points). Others like the idea, but have to travel the path of awakening and while I am more than willing to help, it takes time for them to come to their own realization.

Finding poly women is difficult: it’s not like they wear a special necklace (though there is a good idea for monetization).

On the other hand, like sales I suppose, it’s all about finding someone who wants to hear your pitch with an open mind; this is really no different. It’s all about being in the right places.

The first “right place” I tried was on OKCupid: I was told that it is poly friendly, and to a large degree, that is true. I wrote what I think is a great profile and have some passable traffic. The best measure of success is that I have “met” (telephone, chat, email) two wonderful women who make my heart (and other things) race. I’ll meet one in a few weeks face to face: the other is much further away and likely won’t see her until August, given calendar.

But we talk daily; they both add so much to my life. And I am having a blast: I have discovered so much about me that I did not know, both things that make me proud, and things I need to work on, to be a better man, a better lover, a better partner.

One downside however, is the absence of courtesy.

There are trolls, people (not just men) who seem to get joy from venomous profile posts and emails. What is the motivation? Where is the fun in this?

The vast majority of women do not respond to an email when a fellow indicates interest. The claim is that “they are too busy” or that they are “afraid of an ugly response from the fellow”. I wont accept the “no time to write a thank you” – that’s just bad manners. I will accept a fear from getting a nasty-gram from a troll, but only partly. To act like that gives in to the trolls behavior and by default, makes the action acceptable.

Next items: local meetups and poly friendly venue’s (yeah Caliente!!!)

What works for you?

Ariakas 06-26-2010 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Endicott (Post 33838)
Poly dating is fun! I haven’t dated in 30 yrs as a "single" man (Pru and I were always a couple...a package deal) and it has been an illuminating experience.

Dating is fun :)...I didn't know a poly date was any different :p

Quote:

Finding poly women is difficult: it’s not like they wear a special necklace (though there is a good idea for monetization).

On the other hand, like sales I suppose, it’s all about finding someone who wants to hear your pitch with an open mind; this is really no different. It’s all about being in the right places.
Yepper, if you aren't in a poly friendly area, you could have serious problems. If you are in a poly friendly area, your odds go up :)

I have heard the smaller poly areas are almost incestuous in feel since there is such a limitation. But at least there will be someone.

Quote:

The first “right place” I tried was on OKCupid: I was told that it is poly friendly, and to a large degree, that is true. I wrote what I think is a great profile and have some passable traffic. The best measure of success is that I have “met” (telephone, chat, email) two wonderful women who make my heart (and other things) race. I’ll meet one in a few weeks face to face: the other is much further away and likely won’t see her until August, given calendar.
Congrats on both :)

Quote:

One downside however, is the absence of courtesy.

There are trolls, people (not just men) who seem to get joy from venomous profile posts and emails. What is the motivation? Where is the fun in this?
Some people get off on it. Same in real life, there are people who enjoy belittling others to the benefit of increasing their own internal value :)

Quote:

The vast majority of women do not respond to an email when a fellow indicates interest. The claim is that “they are too busy” or that they are “afraid of an ugly response from the fellow”. I wont accept the “no time to write a thank you” – that’s just bad manners. I will accept a fear from getting a nasty-gram from a troll, but only partly. To act like that gives in to the trolls behavior and by default, makes the action acceptable.
Gonna be a dick here, but why? Why do they have to response. Its a web site, where I know girls get bombarded with requests. Honestly, you may not even realize the volume. And this isn't like a bar, this is a "poke, I am here and interested"...you may not get poked back. It isn't rude, its efficient :) This is the reality of online dating sites and social sites...

Quote:

Next items: local meetups and poly friendly venue’s (yeah Caliente!!!)
Enjoy :)

Quote:

What works for you?
ummm...this site has been good for me.

okc has been useless. But I am also not willing to ping girls in the city. I am to far away to make an effective "Date"...So useless is probably wrong

Bars works well for me. I am a social animal and love to flirt. I wouldn't say I have any gf's though.

Local munches. No dates again but meeting like minded people, which is a start. :)

Endicott 06-26-2010 11:19 PM

Poly Dating
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 33842)
Dating is fun :)...I didn't know a poly date was any different :p

With a regular date, you can't come home to your spouse and compare notes, or get tips and techniques. With a poly date, I have a coach! LOL

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 33842)
Gonna be a dick here, but why? Why do they have to response. Its a web site, where I know girls get bombarded with requests. Honestly, you may not even realize the volume. And this isn't like a bar, this is a "poke, I am here and interested"...you may not get poked back. It isn't rude, its efficient :) This is the reality of online dating sites and social sites...

No problem re "dickishness" You are allowed an opinion.

I understand your point, but courtesy is courtesy. Online or offline. A template "thank you no thank you" is better than silence and is just good manners. Its how I operate in the business world and with the websites I manage; this should be no different. And when we start talking about being efficient in the context of human relationships, we start treating people as objects, a nuisance and not a person.

clairegoad 06-27-2010 12:45 AM

I suspect some people create profiles, but don't check their e-mail, don't check the profile, move on with a relationship, and forget to take down their info.

So to me, the people who don't respond are okay. Heck, they may respond next week/month.

Regarding, the insulting/rude/hateful people... I'm less kind. Fortunately, they are already living with their attitude... so the world really is as bad as they make it. I don't post a photo for a number of reasons. Apparently, that is a signal for some men to attack, and insult. I was also moving too fast. ("hey, you live near me, would you like to meet for coffee today?")

I've abandoned on-line dating. While I enjoy a bit of physical pain, the emotional torture/humiliation is not my thing.

Magdlyn 06-27-2010 12:05 PM

Ive been on okc since Jan 09 and it's worked great for me. I found my current partner there just 2 wks after I joined and have met/dated about 30 men. I currently have about 3 young men I see and a couple new ones on hold.

I get messaged a lot on okc, despite my age, which is 54. I do not respond to unsuitable men. If they are a really low match percentage, I figure they didnt read my profile anyway, and are just horny/playahs/users/losers, and I can't abide that. If one does respond w a thanks but no thanks message, they take that as a yes anyway, and then you can get into a stalker situation.

Ariakas 06-27-2010 02:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 33866)
, despite my age, which is 54. I do not respond to unsuitable men. If they are a really low match percentage, I figure they didnt read my profile anyway, and are just horny/playahs/users/losers, and I can't abide that. If one does respond w a thanks but no thanks message, they take that as a yes anyway, and then you can get into a stalker situation.

Interesting, what do you find is an adequate percentage.

I find the questions fun but useless. Take my kink rating, I am...hmm 11% or something. I went back and reviewed my answers and realized my straight disinterest in transgendered people seemed to really affect my score.

I spend more time reviewing people tests. I love those, so comical and sometimes so accurate :)

Magdlyn 06-27-2010 02:08 PM

I generally find at least a 67% match is needed to really hit it off with someone.

I read their answers to questions. If they are against same sex marriage and prefer book-burning to flag-burning, they dont rate even a "no" reply from me, they just get ignored and their msg to me deleted.

vandalin 06-27-2010 06:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 33872)
I read their answers to questions. If they are against same sex marriage and prefer book-burning to flag-burning, they dont rate even a "no" reply from me, they just get ignored and their msg to me deleted.

I agree with this thought too. I don't always go by %'s and will still look at their profile. I can tell if someone hasn't read mine usually with a minute as I get the "oh, you're married?" question. I also go through the questions to see how many same questions we answered sine that can effect any score just as how many Q's they answered. Then I check out the Q's important to each of us.

I always find it interesting when I see answers that, to me, contradict each other. There was one person who said that "homosexuality is a sin in God's eyes", yet all of the other GLBT type questions were more liberal and open minded, yes to marriage and equal right for instance.

I've been on OKC for just less than a year, physically met one person with platonic intentions and haven't heard from him in months, a couple of near hits, a lot of complete misses, and then I have my new friend who I mention in my blog here.

I've been doing internet dating (with a break for the mono relationships of course) for about 15 years now. That is how I met Cajun in fact. :)

SourGirl 06-27-2010 07:58 PM

I was mostly with your opinion, until ;

'I wont accept the “no time to write a thank you” – that’s just bad manners.'


You,..won`t,...'accept' ?

That sounds rather odd. As if by contacting them, they owe you something.

Your thread definetly sits wrong with me.


Personally, I try to respond to anyone who messages me, long as they are courteous. I do believe it is good manners. However, please note 2 things.

#1- No one, who makes demands ( Hey baby, call me ! ), is rude, or suggestive, gets a response, period.

#2 - Some seemingly nice males do not take no for an answer. I myself am a strong enough personality that it doesnt bug me if the guy who told me how lovely I was in the first email, calls me a fat-a## b#tch in the next email, after being kissed-off gently. Also, there are some people, who will take ANY response as a sign, that they still have a foot in the door.

NOT everyone can handle that type of retort, and it makes them feel bad. It makes them feel like they don`t want to deal with online dating. THEN there is even a smaller pool of women to choose from.

I would be happy, that the lesser of the evils ( not responding) keeps a woman feeling positive about keeping a profile up.

I go in with the attitude, that other people do not owe me anything. Even after we connect, they still do not owe me anything. Time, attention, and getting together, is so much more enjoyable when you aren`t trying to conform others to your way of doing things.

Just food for thought.

Ariakas 06-27-2010 07:58 PM

So far the percentage that seems to match me the best is 80 to 90%. Any higher, at least in my area, seems to be younger...

Any lower and its usually a fundamental differences in religion or politics, which can make for good conversations but what ends up being important to both parties is usually a big spread :)


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:40 AM.