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-   -   Success stories? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3073)

all1legs 06-26-2010 03:52 AM

Success stories?
Hi all,

So I've been reading a lot of stories on here from people who are entering (or just entertaining the idea of) polyamorous relationships, often from a place of fear/anxiety/difficulty.

I was thinking it might be helpful for all of us who are new to this and filled with questioning to hear from some of those who have successfully navigated their way from a monogamous (or nearly monogamous) relationship into a polyamorous lifestyle. How exactly did you make that journey at the very beginning? What were the steps you took starting off?

I'm sure all of us would love to hear your inspiring stories!!

xoxo all_legs

Ariakas 06-26-2010 02:22 PM

have you looked in the life stories section. There are a few success stories in there :)

rubyfish 06-26-2010 08:22 PM

Honestly, for me, once I accepted that I was poly, and told my husband, everything else has been incredibly easy. It took him a couple of months to process his emotions, and then I started looking to date. Within a month, I had been a couple of dates and met someone special. We've been together for six months with virtually no problems, other than there is never enough time, but I think that's an okay problem to have.

In terms of how I started, I told my husband that I was poly, that I was driving myself crazy trying to fit into a monogamous life and a monogamous relationship and that I hoped he accepted me for who I was. His first step was to accept me for what I was, and that I wasn't going to change. Then he decided that he'd rather love me and have me and have me be happy than force me to be miserable or have me leave him. And it has worked nearly flawlessly since then.

I still haven't told my parents or my brother, but I intend on doing so relatively soon.

immaterial 06-26-2010 09:20 PM

This is a lovely story! How fine to hear about a man who can transition to compersion so (relatively) easily and who obviously loves you. Congrats!


Breathesgirl 06-26-2010 10:23 PM

I went from a very bad monogamous relationship with an extremelly jeaous husband to a very LD poly relationship with a man and three women to a local poly relationship with a man who occasionally has other partners. He currently doesn't have anyone else but I do.

I am most definitely happier now. I don't have to worry about him throwing a temper tantrum because I'm spending time with others. In fact he encourages me to go out with friends, to find friends, to spend time with people other than him.

I'm usually the one who complains from lack of time, lol.

SayYes 06-27-2010 04:39 AM

I don't know what the appropriate point is to consider something a success story, but I was monogamously married for over 7 years (and together for a total of 13 years) before we opened things up, and I've now been with my boyfriend for over 6 months and everyone is doing just fine.

Honestly, the transition has been pretty smooth. I think we're still in a period of adjustment, which I sometimes I have to remind myself of, because I feel so incredibly comfortable with both the men in my life. But everyone is committed to making it work, and while I won't say there have no been no minor bumps along the way in my marriage, it's nothing compared to what we were going through when we were trying to make monogamy work. The whole process, really, has been a positive experience rather than a trying one.

Magdlyn 06-27-2010 11:53 AM

I was married to a man for 30 yrs. Mono for 22. (I am bi/pansexual.) We opened our marriage but it was not successful. My h didnt seem able to please me while seeing another woman, but now I know it was their NRE that got in the way. Long story. He and I broke up 2 yrs ago, for various reasons.

In Jan 09 I started dating (ok cupid) and met a wonderful poly woman almost right away. We've been together ever since. Deep love soon followed our first meeting. I have also dated many men in the past 18 mos and we've had very little jealousy issues. We are completely open with our feelings and pretty good at explaining our boundaries and expectations, etc. We trust each other to date and have relationships with good people, we don't have a big to-do about meeting potential other partners first or anything. No veto power.

My main problem w meeting poly men is finding someone capable of a mature committed relationship. I've got a stable of boytoys for friendly rather casual sex... one guy I've known almost as long as I've known my gf. They are fun, funny, and horny, open-minded and creative in bed. But I've met several older "poly" men who are married or partnered and somehow the wives always get jealous despite their supposed open relationships. Or the guy doesn't get how to be really open when communicating, acts devious, or leads me on in one way or another.

But hey. I've got Great Love w my gf, lots of laughs and sex with the 20somethings. I feel very lucky. I'll keep searching for Mr Right, just in case he's really out there.

saudade 06-27-2010 04:28 PM

living the dream...
Ari's right that there's lots of success stories if you look around here.

In case you're feeling lazy :p, I can share mine, though it doesn't meet your specs. I had a mono partner when I decided to admit that I was poly, and that relationship ended over it two years later (and because we weren't working on other levels).

These days, I feel like I'm living the poly dream: I'm in a big house with almost a dozen people, including my fiance and my boyfriend and three "it's complicated"s and a bunch of friends. We share chores, we go to the beach, we play board games. It's working toward perfect, every day, and I love it.

In cahoots,

all1legs 06-27-2010 11:59 PM

Thanks for your replies!
Didn't mean to be lazy in asking people to repeat their stories!

Actually dug around the life stories section a bit, but was a little more interested in hearing people's stories of the beginnings of their poly relationships/lifestyle. Seemed that a lot of the life stories section was focused on particular incidents later on, or broader scope introductions.

I know it's really helpful for me to hear how people navigated those first steps towards growing comfortable with a new way of approaching relationships. I know I have tried talking to some of my monogamous friends about what is going on in my own life right now, and am usually met with the reaction that a non-monogamous relationship couldn't possibly be maintained without utter catastrophe and heartbreak. Obviously, I'd like to think otherwise since I am totally in love with my primary partner and hope that we will be spending our lives together.

SayYes 06-28-2010 04:20 AM


Originally Posted by all1legs (Post 33929)
I know I have tried talking to some of my monogamous friends about what is going on in my own life right now, and am usually met with the reaction that a non-monogamous relationship couldn't possibly be maintained without utter catastrophe and heartbreak.

The funny thing to me about that (and I've totally heard the same stuff) is that monogamous relationships lead to utter catastrophe and heartbreak plenty often, too. I've also heard so many times people say they believe a poly relationship *can* work out, but it's really unlikely, and really complicated, and a whole lot of work, etc. Not that those are entirely untrue statements, but I don't think they're necessarily any more true for poly relationships than mono ones. The truth is, all relationships take a lot of work. All of them can be complicated. And when you think about it, how statistically likely is a mono relationship to "work out," if you think about the number of relationships most people have before settling down, and then the divorce rates after that? I'm certainly not of the opinion that poly is any better than mono (aside from when it's better for the individuals involved), but the notion that poly is all work and complication while more traditional relationships are all smooth sailing is just silly to me. Personally, my marriage is less complicated now than it was before.

It can be hard, in general, talking to friends who have little to no experience with poly while you're in the early stages. I've found that even while most of my friends have been awesome and supportive, they still don't "get it" in a lot of ways, and it can feel really isolating sometimes having no one in my life (aside from my partners) who have any real frame of reference for what's going on in my life.

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