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-   -   Insecure, and in need of advice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30698)

MoonElf 10-22-2012 07:54 PM

Insecure, and in need of advice
 
I knew I needed help about something in this. I just couldn't grasp exatly what I needed advice about, tough. I decided to register in the foruns and start posting anyways. So I saw one of thoses signatures where people describe their curent relationships. And I was like: Cool, let's do one of those, it'll make things a lot easier for me and others, no explaining who's who all the time.

Then I realised. I need advice because my new relationship, the one who brought me to this forum for research in the first place, is incredibly complicated in my head. I didn't even know how to explain who CC is on my signature.

So, warning: huge post ahead.
Also, English is not my first language. Sorry about grammar mistakes and ocasional caveman-like speech. XD

Fast background-story: Me and Peaches have a long date relashionship and have been talking about being poly for a long time now. This is my first time actually being with someone else, though. This someone else is CC, who's been my best friend for over a year before this.

Initially the arrangement between CC and I was that our "thing" was to be sexual only. Besides, of course, staying the best friends ever. FWB, if you will. I was totally fine with that.
And it worked out great... For like, two weeks. u_u

Then, CC says he needs to talk about this and confesses he's developing feelings for me, and fears he'll be jaleous of Peaches. Since he knows it's my nature to be poly, and that I love Peaches very much, he said we would never ask of me to choose between then. He said him breaking our original agreement and getting between me and Peaches would be disrespectful to me and he would rather step back now, before any one of us got hurt, so we could still be best friends like before.

It stung BAD to let him go away. Made me realise I had feelings for him as well, and his respectfull attitude about it and how he kept being the best friend in the world just made me love him more.

About a month passed since this, and I was feeling better about the separation, but the feelings for him were still there.
We have this habit of spending time talking in parks and sharing candy. We were doing this when he kissed me again, out of the blue, like we had never stoped dating. Then we had a long talk about it.
I made sure to state that I had feelings as well, and that I missed him, but me being poly and loving Peaches didn't change, or would change.
He said that his worst problem was about how frequently we were having dates and how we were making out all the time and never talking (which I didn't really like too) and how he was jaleous how Peaches got to cuddle and talk to me, and watch movies and hold hands. And how he'd like to resume our relationship IF we took care to not see each other (romanticaly) this often, so he could keep his feelings for me and his jaleousy under control.

It's beeing great now. I feel we found the so needed balance. Thing is... I do have feelings for him. For now this "FWB" configurations is ok for me. But we do have romantic moments, I feel he's emotionaly engaged too. It's never been just sex for neither of us, in fact.

And that leaves me afraid.

1.Because he has this mono-tendencies. His wish to be mono with me (and me with him) actually made him give this up once. Everytime we have a nice, romantic evening, I find myself in fear the next morning, like he could snap at any time and say: I can't do this.

2.Mono-tendencies also makes me have it in my head that at any random time some amazing girl will pop up on his life and say: I'll be yours, and yours only. And then he'll leave me. It's not like he'll choose me. I'm only his FWB. It's not like he's poly, so there can be room in his life for both of us, me and this hypotetical gosth.

3.I think I'm a little hurt by him setting limits on how much he can love me. It came across as "poly girls are not good enough to show mommy" at first and though he told me he just felt he is "forbiden" to love me because Peaches "got there first". I did explain to him that it's nothing like this, but I don't know if my explanation was any good.

4.I feel he's conecting emotionally to me everyday more and more. So am I with him. But I don't think he'll admit it, and I am very afraid to tell him I actually love him as much as I love Peaches (tough, of course, we don't have the same intimacy just yet) and end up back to best friends only.

I am so happy right now and everything is perfect for me at the moment. These are worries I have for our future. I want to be able to let my love for him grow without fearing to spoil our relationship by loving too much. Which sound unbelievably dumb in my head, but still.

So, that's it. Advice is welcome. Similar life situations are welcome. Dammit, a pat on the back and a "there there" is welcome. XD
Just remembering: I'm not hurting because of it right now. Just aprehensive that I might hurt someday. Thanks in advance.

ThatGirlInGray 10-22-2012 11:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MoonElf (Post 160907)
Then, CC says he needs to talk about this and confesses he's developing feelings for me, and fears he'll be jaleous of Peaches. Since he knows it's my nature to be poly, and that I love Peaches very much, he said we would never ask of me to choose between then. He said him breaking our original agreement and getting between me and Peaches would be disrespectful to me and he would rather step back now, before any one of us got hurt, so we could still be best friends like before.

It sounds like he doesn't actually understand what it means for you to be poly in nature, which makes sense since he is apparently not poly. He may need more discussions about polyamory to realize that you being poly means you don't have to choose, nor would he come between you and Peaches. I'm sure it was a noble intention on his part, and for mono relationships makes total sense, but not so much for poly relationships.

Quote:

He said that his worst problem was about how frequently we were having dates and how we were making out all the time and never talking (which I didn't really like too) and how he was jaleous how Peaches got to cuddle and talk to me, and watch movies and hold hands. And how he'd like to resume our relationship IF we took care to not see each other (romanticaly) this often, so he could keep his feelings for me and his jaleousy under control.
Partially makes sense. Finding the balance between sexy-time and together-time can be difficult, especially in a new relationship. It's common to want so much of both every time! The notion that limiting time will make it possible to limit emotions is a fallacy, though. I can see where slowing down so he has more time to deal with jealousy instead of it being a constant presence is good, but he needs to make sure to use that time to DEAL with it, not just ignore it because it's not happening as often.

Quote:

1.Because he has this mono-tendencies. His wish to be mono with me (and me with him) actually made him give this up once. Everytime we have a nice, romantic evening, I find myself in fear the next morning, like he could snap at any time and say: I can't do this.

2.Mono-tendencies also makes me have it in my head that at any random time some amazing girl will pop up on his life and say: I'll be yours, and yours only. And then he'll leave me. It's not like he'll choose me. I'm only his FWB. It's not like he's poly, so there can be room in his life for both of us, me and this hypotetical gosth.
Valid fear. Been there, done that. I don't have any particularly helpful advice, except to really think about if you're okay with being a "for now" relationship, until he finds someone mono to be with, and if you're willing to risk potentially harming the friendship if/when that happens. Either decision has its pros and cons, so only you can decide what you want most.

Quote:

3.I think I'm a little hurt by him setting limits on how much he can love me. It came across as "poly girls are not good enough to show mommy" at first and though he told me he just felt he is "forbiden" to love me because Peaches "got there first". I did explain to him that it's nothing like this, but I don't know if my explanation was any good.
Again, seems like he's missing the point of polyamory at the moment. Limiting love, rather than having multiple people to love and love you back, is just about as opposite from poly as one can get! Maybe invite him here to read the blogs of those who are in healthy, happy poly relationships? Perhaps seeing it "in action" would help him wrap his head around poly better?

Quote:

4.I feel he's conecting emotionally to me everyday more and more. So am I with him. But I don't think he'll admit it, and I am very afraid to tell him I actually love him as much as I love Peaches (tough, of course, we don't have the same intimacy just yet) and end up back to best friends only.
It's hard to be the one to say "I love you" first! No advice from me on that one, I'm afraid. You're the only one who will know when you're ready to tell him, but I wouldn't put too much emphasis on trying to find "the right time". I tend to make decisions by asking myself, "Which could I possibly end up regretting more: doing something or not doing it?" Getting together with TGIB happened, in part, because I realized I'd regret NOT trying a relationship with him more than I could ever regret being in a relationship with him, regardless of how long it lasted or how it ended. So basically, would you rather he know how you feel, and have that knowledge informing his decisions? Or would you rather he be making his choices without knowing the depth of your feelings?

Good luck!

MoonElf 10-23-2012 10:30 AM

Wow. Reading your reply actually helped me a lot.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 160971)
It sounds like he doesn't actually understand what it means for you to be poly in nature, which makes sense since he is apparently not poly.

Yes, I don't think he does. When I first brought up about me being poly (back when we were just friends) he mentioned he agrees to my point of view and would engage a relationship like this. I don't remember me explaining this in detail, though. The "detailing" usually comes when someone goes "oh noes, I don't condone being promiscuous. =O" Then I take my time to explain poly. He just agreed with me, though. I guess I automaticaly assumed he knew what I was talking about. :) Never good to just go around assuming stuff, though. My bad.

In the first days, he did ask me if there was something wrong between Peaches and I. He sounded actually worried for me. He asked if I didn't feel guilty about it.

I then explained how Peaches knew about it way before it happened. That we talked about it and he was ok with it. I also made a point of saying there's nothing at all wrong with my relationship with Peaches and I made sure CC knew I was not looking in him for something I didn't have with Peaches. I remember saying: "This is not about me and Peaches. It's about me and you" as I explained I liked him a lot and wanted to be with him just because of that. I did say I tend to love more than one person at once. Didn't use the word "love" though. Very afraid of that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 160971)
The notion that limiting time will make it possible to limit emotions is a fallacy, though.

I agree. CC seems to be dealing with this better, though. To me, he seems way more romantic towards me than he'd been before what I call "his little melt down", even though our agreement was to see each other less so he could keep this on FWB level. I just don't get it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 160971)
Valid fear. Been there, done that. I don't have any particularly helpful advice, except to really think about if you're okay with being a "for now" relationship, until he finds someone mono to be with, and if you're willing to risk potentially harming the friendship if/when that happens. Either decision has its pros and cons, so only you can decide what you want most.

That's what I'm strugling the most. I'm totally ok with this being "for now". For now. XD I keep having this sudden hopes that it'll last, though. And the same way he was concerned about his jaleousy and wish for exclusivity would disrespect my lifestyle choices, I'm concerned that me being poly would disrespect his.

HIS fear is that he ends up loving me too much and end up going Cowboy on me. ("It's me or Peaches" and all that drama) He knows it would ruin both our relationship and friendship and he sees this as extremely disrespectiful himself. (Thanks the heavens for that.)
MY fear is that I end up loving him too much and he ends up being wired mono after all (though it really doesn't seem the case sometimes) and will never be open to loving me that much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 160971)
Maybe invite him here to read the blogs of those who are in healthy, happy poly relationships? Perhaps seeing it "in action" would help him wrap his head around poly better?

I don't know how yet, but I got to educate CC on this somehow. XD He keeps asking silly things like: "Won't Peaches mind if you sleep over" or "Isn't weird if I go to your house? Won't Peaches be there?"
In this cases I patienly answer that Peaches is happy for me and that he, in fact, would love to spend some time with CC too, he thinks they could be great friends.
I think he's slowly (VERY slowly) getting the idea of poly.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 160971)
It's hard to be the one to say "I love you" first! No advice from me on that one, I'm afraid. You're the only one who will know when you're ready to tell him, but I wouldn't put too much emphasis on trying to find "the right time". I tend to make decisions by asking myself, "Which could I possibly end up regretting more: doing something or not doing it?"

And THAT'S the part I mentioned really helped me a lot.
I realise despite my fears about it, there's no way I could ever regret the time I've spent with CC. Even if it ends up tomorow with him going full cowboy and saying "It's me or him, and if it's him you're never seeing me again." (ok, that would hurt a lot. but still) or by him finding the most beautifull, funny, smart and interesting monogamic girl and leaving forever. (that would totally kill me at first. But I know I can find it in me to get through and be happy for him eventually).
What I have with CC is worth the risk, I guess. And even if everything goes wrong from here on, I think we enjoyed so much or time togheter and learned so much from each other that there's no way I could catch myself thinking: I shouldn't have done this, and I woudn't get hurt.

I'll try to tell him how I really feel about this. Maybe I'm not ready to say I love him, but I can see myself explaining how much deeper are my feelings and how I'd enjoy if he was open to stop limiting his, at least.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to read and reply. It did help me a lot.

DeviousIceCream 10-23-2012 04:40 PM

I wish you the best of luck. Laying everything out on the table with all parties involved is also an option. I'm not sure if you mentioned if CC had met Peaches yet but sitting everyone down and having lunch or dinner can really help clear the air. Currently my lover V and her husband Mr. E are overcoming a similar situation. It hasn't been easy but very slowly we are all learning how to deal with this blossoming "hinge" relationship and Communication, Communication, Communication has brought us very far. Creating rules and boundaries without everyone at the table may only create more miscommunication and frustration.

*pats back*

Good Luck!
DIC

MoonElf 10-24-2012 12:19 PM

They do know each other. As I mentined, CC was my best friend before I had this relationship of sorts with him, and there were days when he, me and Peaches hung out together, just the three of us. The dynamics were good between them, even after CC and I were already flirting and I had talked about him with Peaches, too.

They even sat down to talk about this, after the first time CC and I kissed. CC felt like he should get on the same page with Peaches about it, and asked me if he could come to him and talk about it. (this kind of thing keeps making me believe he's serious about us and about trying to make thing work) I then arranged for them to meet and talk, and everything seemed fine. (but then two weeks latter he snaps about "liking me too much") Maybe it is a good idea that we sit down again, the three of us, and work things out better.

I talked with CC yesterday.
I did my best to explain how much I enjoy being with him and how much I liked him. Then I got to what the issue actually is.
He told me he felt the same, but he couldn't understand why would I like him so much. He said how he firmly believed there was no room in my life for him besides being FWB.
He didn't believe I was capable of ever seeing anything more than that in him, and I feel tremendously silly right now.
Kills me to think I let him in the dark about how I felt and all this time he was strugling to accept that he has feelings for me but could never tell me or act on them fully. Or that he spent months thinking I had no reason to love him.

Thanks a lot for the advice. As always, lack of comunication is what caused the issues. I am happy now, since I know me and CC apear to be on the same page with our feelings for each other. I'm happy to see how relieved and happy he was while hearing me describe how I feel.
Now we only have to take things slow and keep comunicating a lot, and I believe we can make it work!

GalaGirl 10-24-2012 12:38 PM

Quote:

He told me he felt the same, but he couldn't understand why would I like him so much. He said how he firmly believed there was no room in my life for him besides being FWB. He didn't believe I was capable of ever seeing anything more than that in him, and I feel tremendously silly right now.
Kills me to think I let him in the dark about how I felt and all this time he was struggling to accept that he has feelings for me but could never tell me or act on them fully. Or that he spent months thinking I had no reason to love him.
What is all that about? You are telling him how you feel and what you want. He cannot accept it? Does he have poor self esteem?

Galagirl

MoonElf 10-24-2012 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 161344)
What is all that about? You are telling him how you feel and what you want. He cannot accept it? Does he have poor self esteem?

He does, I think. When I said how much I liked him he was like: ...Why?
When I stated all I liked about him, kind of confused by his question, he brought up what he thinks to be his faults and downsides of being with him. I then said that most of that was his poor self esteem talking. And as for the rest, that I don't expect him to be perfect at all times, by any means, nobody is.
He told me he'd never expect for anyone to love him for who he is. And that of all people, me being the one to say this to him was beyond "dreamy".

I worry about the distorted view he has of himself. I really wish I could show him what an awesome person he is. But, for personal experience, Im aware that me telling him all that won't make that much of a diference on the long term. He has to learn to love himself better. And I really wish he does.

GalaGirl 10-24-2012 01:00 PM

Quote:

I worry about the distorted view he has of himself. I really wish I could show him what an awesome person he is. But, for personal experience, Im aware that me telling him all that won't make that much of a diference on the long term. He has to learn to love himself better. And I really wish he does.
I am glad you recognize that. If a person cannot love themselves, they cannot accept love from you. There is no room inside. I hope he does work on it. :(

Galagirl

MoonElf 10-24-2012 01:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 161347)
I am glad you recognize that. If a person cannot love themselves, they cannot accept love from you. There is no room inside. I hope he does work on it. :(

He seems willing to try. I really hope he can do it, too.
Thanks a lot for your concern. :)


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