g/f is changing, now I feel uncomfortable
Pertinent background: me 25, g/f(who we'll call beezy) 24, we're both BI
-we've been together in total for a 15 months however 5 months of that she had a fiance of 9 years :(
-We came from a short-lived quad swingers circle and ended up together out of it.
-We've been monogamous this entire time, as I believe our previous relationship traumatized her, and she has been extremely uncomfortable and insecure with me being poly(feeling i'll just find someone else and leave), so we agreed to have a monogamous relationship, which has been a trial for me.
-She comes from a wealthy jewish family, and feels she can not show me to her parents even though she's in love with me, because i'm 1. black 2. poor(by their standards)
Intro: She's bi, and we like to get our soft swap on(:P) sometimes, but she's made it clear she doesn't want me to F another girl and basically feels uncomfortable seeing me do almost anything with a girl. But a guy she's all for, you could basically call her a fag hag. I told her I view my bi-sexual fairly equally, and sensual relations with both sexes are important. Lately she been texting and talking to a lot people and it's made me happy but a bit...odd, like I had a feeling something wasn't right. She's been depressed for a while after her ex leaving her, and now she's starting to talk more to her friends so I've generally been happy about this.
She's been going on several "dates", supposedly friendly in nature with several people that she's known in the past. I've been feeling iffy about them, but I haven't felt too threatened; my only beef was why they had to go out with such "formality" as a date. Why can't you just "go out and kick it" with your friend? i do it all the time :/ Even if it is the first time seeing them for a while...IMHO she's somewhat of a slut...not that it's a bad thing, I am too, but she doesn't "understand" why 1. she doesn't get along with women, 2. most of her male friends always end up professing their love to her.
Through the past couple of weeks, she's been asking questions about poly relationships, and has been talking to a friend of hers(who is from the past influentially, and knowingly wants her) about polyamory. Asking me what a primary vs a secondary is, and etc.
After going out with I think 3 guy friends on "dates", they seem to all have failed in such a way where when she went out with them and they were either racist, they were pompous ass-holes, or just weren't the people she remembered. I felt even more uncomfortable about this feeling that the people she went out with were on a "trial", but I let it go.
Story: The beginning of this week she goes out with this guy "Ace" we'll call him. She's been texting him for about a week now, and he came out to Vegas to visit her. After she comes home, she has this happy feeling about her...but not the normal kind. The kind of happy feeling a women gets when her spark has been lit...(see issues below about this) The events that followed were...
-The next day I come home and see all sorts of pictures of Ace on her laptop(he's stupid hot) I find out he's wealthy via his parents and consequently he's a pro opera singer.
-She tells me, Ace wants to take her on a 10 day cruise in europe...I say, "f that, i couldn't take off that much time from work", she says "really? not even for europe?"
-The next day(yesterday) she tells me Ace is BI, and more about his past. He dated a guy(when he was also with a girl) and some more history.
-She starts telling me that she's starting to "feel things" about guys now, where as before she only wanted girls. She starts saying it might be a possibility given certain circumstances. She asks how I feel about it, If i think the problems will occur with our last relationship, if I still want to be with girls and things like that. I'm puzzled but I assure her we'd work through it with good communication, and we'd talk about it when we got there...little did I know, she is already there.(see issues below)
The skinny:(edit: beezy has an addictive personality)
Last night after getting in bed she falls asleep quickly. I'm a bit wired from our conversation, and found it somewhat hard to immediately go to sleep. About 5 minutes pass by and I hear a high pitched sigh. I raise my head and say "you ok baby?"...no response. I hear another moan, and turn around, she's completely still and starts smacking her lips. "is she dreaming?", I wonder. I don't wait long, and she started to moan sexually...I automatically know it's about "Ace". She moans again, "aaahhh", and I start to get jealous. I can't believe she fell asleep that quickly and started dreaming about him! She's obviously completely infatuated with him :( His name is phonetically simple, so she could have been moaning him name but it sounded incoherent. Every moan that passed I was waiting for her to moan his name...I felt crazy jealous but...kind of aroused. I've never witness her have a wet dream before, and she has a hot moan :/ I know i'm horrible hahaha. Then to my surprise she moans MY NAME! I feel instantly relieved, and at this point i'm crazy excited. I'm inside of her, and she wakes out of her daze. She says "! baby, what are you doin'?" I said, "you were dreaming about your infatuation, and I was a bit jealous until you started my name too :)" "she laughs hysterically...and we continue.
So i decide to play into it, and ask her about her dream while we're being intimate. She goes through the motions of her fantasy, and eventually reveals that she wants it to happen in real life "really really bad."
My Issues: Nothing has happened yet, but given the facts, i'm not comfortable with the amount of plausibility of worst case scenarios.
-I feel extremely shitty that she completely denied all attempts to talk about polyamory until she meets some guy that does "something" for her. I won't speculate about what that something is until I talk with her
-She asked me "how do you think we could keep from letting "our" emotions run rampid?". This makes me feel like all the talks about NRE and what it did to us just fucking went out the window. I feel I've learned so much, and for her to be at this level of questioning upsets me.
The fact is...i'm ALREADY getting jealous, it's a bad sign. I'm writing to figure out things in my head, and get perspective from you guys, because you're awesome :)
peace & love
Issues. . .
Hi, RP! I may be new here and having some issues myself, but maybe I can offer perspective.
If I read correctly, then your major issues are:
1: Your own burgeoning jealousy
2: Her seemingly opportunistic approach to polyamory.
3(?): The fact that it sounds like the two of you may not be in an appropriate space to approach a poly situation.
Is this right?
Well, I think the only real way to progress is to examine your motives.
If you are jealous, why are you jealous? First, generally, and then specifically, in this situation. Sometimes when you drag the source of a feeling like jealousy out into the light, it withers and dies due to being kind of nonsensical. REALLY REALLY take a good look at yourself, here. Don't judge yourself or anything, just look long and hard. (hee, hee! "Long and hard!")
She needs to look at her motives carefully as well. She may need prompting from you in this regard, as it may be sitting in her blind spot right now. Why would she suddenly change her mind about poly as soon as a paramour floats along? Is she REALLY interested (and inclined to) a poly lifestyle? Or is this opportunism masquerading as such? This can be touchy, so be very gentle when bringing it up. No one ENJOYS being told that they don't understand their own motives.
I think that a lengthy discussion between the two of you (and possibly even "Ace," if things get that far) is due right away and a little soul-searching is probably necessary.
I think things are moving faster than perhaps is a good idea. If there is some major NRE going on and this change of tune about poly has come about, then holding off on everything else to deal with first that would be the best bet... no trip to Europe (there will be other trips if the guy is rich!), no threesomes, no crazy fucking on her part out of lust and NRE... just a slow gradual process whereby you can catch up with her and deal with the jealousy that has arisen. Not to mention the idea of you now being able to have women in your life!
There is not rush on this and all will play out as it should when it should if things are broken down and taken one step at a time..
by the way, you are awesome too! :D
Both options can work, but I see both as having negative side effects. You need to figure out what works for your jealousy and her wanton need and keeping in mind, the third person's wanton need too.
I, personally, do think the trip is too soon. Thats an oddly huge step...I would say no to that until you get things figured out in other ways.
Good luck, keep posting and you are teh awesome too
Enough geek references in this one for ya? :D
words from a noob :P
Hmmm, I'll just give my first impression based off your story
Firstly it seems there are 2 most plausible explanations for her intentions.
Either she's trying to give poly a chance because she understands that it's a big part of you, and may possibly be feeling some form of guilt now, because she's kept you from it. Seeing as how she's uncomfortable seeing you with women, it'd explain why it seems she's going for guys. It may even be possible that she's dating the guys more for you than herself. For example, the racist being a no go, aside from racism just being a deal breaker anyway, we see how that would've hinderred the possibility of you having a relationship (or sexlationship ;) ) with him. & Just a small observation, but at least from where I'm sitting, Ace seems like a male beezy ("status" wise anyway) and she may be thinking "if he likes me, he should like Ace"..... possible???
And the second possibility is like what others have said, opportunistic. Whether this possibility is good or bad is situational. It could just be an opportunity for her to try polyamory (which I'd say is good... right?) Or worst case scenario, she's looking for a guy who'd be better accepted by her parents (but even if this is true, doesn't mean she'll leave you)... I'm just thinking while I type though, so eh
on to your jealousy, is it possible that her dating outside your relationship could've ignited guilt from your past mistakes? Just saying the negative emotion may not necessarily be jealousy...
BUT if it is jealousy, is it possible that you're nervous about the possibility that she may be dating more for a replacement than an addition?
.... again, just thinking aloud :)
if none of it applies, then ignore me XD
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