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-   -   My(long) story, Am I Poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3066)

Hush 06-25-2010 01:37 PM

My(long) story, Am I Poly?
 
Removed for the sake of the involved parties

Ariakas 06-25-2010 03:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hush (Post 33713)
So, I've selfishly dropped the topic. But I feel a little guilty because I am in love with two men. My husband may know a lot more about my affair than he's leading on. I have thought all along that he must know. Plus, he sees
me as a fun and happy person like the one he met.

Honestly you should feel guilty. You are cheating. Even if he is now giving the ok.

You might be surprised that the lack of sex was because he knew something was wrong and trying to process it.

You may have saved years of pain by mentioning it initially...but hindsight is 20/20 so you have to work with what you have now.

Quote:

I know you will ask if I think he's been cheating. I honestly don't. I think I am his love and his fantasy! I don't think that he understands love an intamacy. And I'm not sure how I'd feel about him being with another woman. But I would let him if he asked. It's only fair. I do think about HIM falling in love with someone else and leaving me. I don't want to marry this other many. I honestly don't beleive that with the realities that come with living and being married to someone, he and I would have what it takes to make it. Number one, being communication. My husband and I have great communnication and always have. On the other hand my lover has told me he would want me to be his wife in a heartbeat.
So guy #2 wants you as a wife. you have a husband you apparently don't want to leave, and you want both. Just clarifying.

You need to figure out if hubby doesn't mind you loving someone else. Honestly, sex and love are different beasts. You having sex with other men can be a turn on, you have a lover may not be.

you also need to figure out if number 2 is willing to be the bf for the rest of the relationship

Quote:

I'm so confused. I do not want to leave my husband for this other man. But I don't want to end my affair. I feel like I've been given a gift in a way. How wrong is this? And am I poly? What's my husband? Or Is this an open marriage. Any advice or comments are greatly appreciated!!
Affair...that wording is specific. Are you concerned about bringing it up with the husband because it will no longer be an affair. It will be a relationship. Was the secrecy of it what you craved for excitement. Just thinking out loud.

Poly is simply loving multiple. You seem to, although its built on a fault line. You have been cheating and honestly step one is to stop "dropping it" and communicate. You say you communicate with your husband but there seems to be a lot of "dropping it" happening. If he doesn't care and wants a dadt (don't ask dont tell) policy then great, if you want a proper V where everyone is a happy family, then you need to talk to both partners.

First step talk to hubby
second step talk to bf and make sure he is comfortable being a forever bf knowing you will stay married to hubby.

Once you have communication out of the way and know what each of the 3 want (including you) you can start to build a proper non-hidden relationship. :) Having a successful poly relationship isn't any different than a successful monogamous one. Lots of work, lots of communication and lots of love :)

EugenePoet 06-25-2010 03:58 PM

Excellent advice from Ariakas. You have to talk to both husband and BF if you want to feel honest and turn the affair into an open relationship.

"The crazy thing is I'm starting to look at my husband in a different light. I'm not cringing when he touches me. I'm now enjoying his company and looking forward to him coming home when he does. It's strange. Maybe because I'm feeling less guilty?"

And because you two have started to be open with each other. Honesty is soooo sexy! It's the foundation of real feeling, so of course when you start opening up you feel closer...and you feel more attraction. That's what happens in dating, right? You start to open up, you start to feel for someone, you care about them, and magic happens.

Here's what I see: in your situation the love you give your BF is not subtracted from the love you can give your husband. Instead, when you feel happier and more alive then you have more love to show both men. It could be that your husband understands this somehow already. It sounds a little bit like that may be the case; he may feel happy that you are able to be happy in your relationship with someone else. That's compersion and it's a very beautiful thing to have when people are in multiple relationships.

I agree with Ariakas: the optimal path would be to become as open and honest as possible with both men.

To do that I suppose you have to be pretty clear with yourself too: are you with your husband forever, or is it possible that you will divorce him and marry your BF? Is it OK with you if your BF or your husband has another girlfriend? Are you going to introduce your BF to your children or your friends -- in other words, do you want to come out about your lifestyle? (Not all people can do that, for various reasons; the married couple I'm involved with are not out to most of their friends and keep their lifestyle secret from their grown children.)

Lots of questions! But happiness is on the horizon, right? You mention feeling happier than you've felt for a very long time, and that can only be good! Make it strong, build to last, and do it consciously and with awareness!

SayYes 06-25-2010 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EugenePoet (Post 33722)
And because you two have started to be open with each other. Honesty is soooo sexy! It's the foundation of real feeling, so of course when you start opening up you feel closer...and you feel more attraction. That's what happens in dating, right? You start to open up, you start to feel for someone, you care about them, and magic happens.

Here's what I see: in your situation the love you give your BF is not subtracted from the love you can give your husband. Instead, when you feel happier and more alive then you have more love to show both men. It could be that your husband understands this somehow already. It sounds a little bit like that may be the case; he may feel happy that you are able to be happy in your relationship with someone else. That's compersion and it's a very beautiful thing to have when people are in multiple relationships.

This is exactly what happened for me with my husband after we took the leap into poly. I had really been struggling with my level of desire for him, fearing that the way I loved him had evolved into more of a friendship-type love. But once we were no longer monogamous, I felt my passion and desire for him totally return. I think for me it was in large part that feeling you describe of being happier and more alive and thriving loving two men, but it was also the fact that sex with my husband no longer felt "required" in the same way it had when I was unhappily monogamous. It started to feel like a free expression of love again, rather than part of a structure I was miserable with.

redpepper 06-25-2010 09:58 PM

Excuse me for saying so, but having an affair and then saying that you and your husband have excellent communication just does not compute for me. Excellent communication would mean complete openness and honesty. Your affair indicates that you do not have this.

There is A LOT of work to be done here... you really know very little about your husband at all it seems to me... all guess work and assumptions. In my book, that does not make good communication. You don't know why he would like you to have other lovers, you don't know if he knows about your other lover, you haven't expressed any of your feelings to him about how depressed you were, how this man makes you feel, how dressing up for him and domming him made you feel it seems... it just so happens that his agenda, so far, jives with yours! That is not good communication, that is luck...

I can tell you by experience that your world will unfold very differently when all is discussed and out in the open entirely. You will really know what good communication really is and will be challenged by it. Every last doubt, fear, hope, bit of info will bring change and challenges.

Will it be better? It sounds like it very well could push your relationship to a realm you have never known in terms of compassion, passion, trust, connection etc and be a huge positive.

The definite part about it all is that you will be free. Free from the guilt, the foggy haze of living an emotional half life, free to love the other man with everything you have and your husband as well and will most definitely love your self more than you ever have just in the pride of being straight up about your life as an end result, regardless of what happens.

racer812 06-26-2010 02:50 AM

From what I read of your post, your cheating! Having sex and falling in love are two very different things. I am in noway poly. My wife.......well thats complicated at the moment. I wouldnt call her boyfriend an affair but I sure dont like what is happening in my life. You need to talk to your hubby and come clean or keep your mouth closed and watch your life fall apart, because it will. If you havent talked to hubby and explained what you are going thru then you dont have any respect for him and ecspecially yourself. Figure out what you want and then tell your husband. Be prepared because the worst is yet to come. It has been a big train wreck for me for about 3 months now and its getting worse. You owe it to yourself and your husband to be honest.

immaterial 06-26-2010 06:40 AM

I am a total noob, so take whatever I say with a grain of salt, but I think there is a lot of direct, open and honest communication that would have to happen here for it to be an ethical arrangement. If you want an open marriage and you want to openly love both your husband and your lover, in my opinion you should take a stand for that. The consequences might be profound, however, as your husband may not understand the deep affection or even love you may have for your lover. It may be that your husband's untreated sex addiction is creating a *lot* of confusion for him. Ideally, he would explore some therapeutic options for his compulsive sexuality and his fantasies of you with other men so that he could really get his heart clear on what it is he actually wants. Of course, that's not up to you, but him. I have a history of compulsive sexual acting out and non-addictive non-monogamy as well as polyamory, so it has been a long road getting clear on what is what with all that. A long and twisted road that's actually still unfurling.

Overall, I can't really tell what you want. I can't tell if you want to be honest and open finally and get the whole thing aboveboard and stop the lying and hiding, or if you just want to know that what you are doing is okay. Maybe posting here has helped you clarify what it is you want? It does sound like a wrenching and painful situation.

Immaterial

Hush 06-26-2010 01:56 PM

Removed for the sake of involved parties

EugenePoet 06-26-2010 04:30 PM

"I don't know, does the label really matter?"

Not so much. None of us fits perfectly inside a box.

All of us on this forum know that falling in love is seldom rational, careful, controlled, and aseptic. If someone needs love, has needed it for a long time, and suddenly a miracle happens...well, it's human to want that. It's almost inevitable.

A person who goes trolling for casual sex behind their partner's back is one thing.

A person who is empty and aching and then truly connects with someone who fills the void is another thing altogether.

So! I'm glad, Hush, that you're excited and that things may be opening up for you and your husband. You know, 9 months ago I never imagined I would become the lover of a married woman, and that her husband would approve of the relationship. But now that it's happened it seems quite natural.

Interestingly, she told me recently she no longer considers herself polyamorous...she feels that she doesn't fit into that box any more than she fit into the box labeled monogamous. "I'm just me," she says now. So, no, I don't think you fit into a box labeled "cheater." You're you. Your husband is himself, too, and he doesn't need a label.

In my opinion.

I feel there's a lot that's positive in your situation. Be mindful, open, and conscious, and I hope that everything works out!

redpepper 06-26-2010 04:38 PM

I wouldn't call this man you are having an affair with your boyfriend.... He's the other man to me, nothing with more depth than that. So I am not going to call him that.

It astonishes me that you don't seem to have any visable guilt, shame, regret... Your husband has a sex addiction? If you haven't been interested in sex, who has he been having sex with? .....

....This whole thing sounds a tad over normalized for me as if you don't really seem to have a need to talk to him at all other than for your own selfish need to be with this other man. I sense minimal emotion towards your husband. Sorry, but I'm confused by your lack of concern for anyone but yourself here.

Your husbands feelings are not a concern? The only indication that you are even a bit concerned it sounds like is that you don't know how to word it. What of the other man? No concern for him? His life will change. He has sneeky times of passion with you now and it will change to getting to know your husband and scheduled times to hang out that will slowly become normalized and the sex will too.

What do you say to your husband? "honey, remember the man I was cheating on you with? Well I am still having an affair with him and want to keep having him in my life, but want to live honestly and openly about it. I want to have a poly relationship, because I love him and you too."

You don't call him your boyfriend, you don't act all surprised that he has an emotional reaction to that and you say your good byes to your other man just incase its done or you don't see him for a very long time. You also say goodbye to what you have known, because it will all change from here.

As to finding a cheaters site? Well, I'm sure you will find people who may find your reaction to this as normal so maybe if that is what you want, someone to understand how you think this is okay, then go for it. I think many here would agree that you are in a situation where you are showing huge disrespect, uncaring, dishonesty and selfishness at this point. You may love this other man, but that isn't enough to make it poly. The element of honesty, open communcistion, empathy, caring, respect, concern for all, and a huge amount of giving of yourself need to be present.

Who knows, it sounds like your husband has little to no feeling around sex, maybe he will be okay with the love aspect and it will be no major deal for him.


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