Mom, Where are we going? Crazy dear.
I've been a non-member lurker of this site for about 5 months. As a private person going through some tough emotional times I had not felt up to starting a blog. Then I stumbled on BaggagePatrols excellent blog. Reading through her journey, and identifying with parts of it has made me decide that starting my own blog would be to my benefit. So here goes:
First off I have read a lot of negative things about couples "unicorn hunting" and while in a nut shell that maybe all some people see in what we were attempting. We went into this situation with a much more open minded approach then what I have seen described in such a negative light. So give me time to put the basics out there, and get my story together before assuming that we are unicorn predators. ;)
As this is meant to be a blog of my Poly journey I'm not actively seeking advice; however advice is welcome when it is constructive. Tone of voice can not be conveyed in text, so consider your words carefully and realize that the emotional state of the reader will put tone of voice to your words.
My husband (call him Airyn) and I were interested in a triad relationship. What we found was a Vee with me as the hinge. Airyn was ok with working at creating a relationship with the woman we found (I'll call her Chipmunk).
NRE is a bitch, we didn't see what really was, and made many many mistakes. All three of us. We decided to work at it and try to make thing work any way. As things progressed the Vee changed, Airyn became the hinge once PIV was available. (Birth control had to be taken care of first)
My only boundary was stepped on multiply times, without the benefit of discussion. All I asked was to not be excluded, to not be left unfulfilled when in a group situation. They were free to be just them, and had ample opportunity for alone time (as in 5 nights/evening a week).
It takes everyone working at communication for communication to be successful. I struggle with talking about how I feel, or even fully understanding how I feel so I can talk about it. So there was trouble there, and I had been (am still) working on it. However I'm not the only one who struggled with communication. Chipmunk rarely initiated communication to talk about how she felt, and shut me down a couple times when I attempted to communicate with her in an intimate (more then just friends) fashion. Airyn is better then either of us, but still has issue with divulging everything that is going on for him. So three people struggling with proper communication. Making mistakes, taking ownership that mistakes had been made, and attempting to work them out and move on. Not an easy situation, but one we had all been determined to make work.
So this journey we have undertaken together, began when Airyn found out that Chipmunk was attracted to me. He got us together to see if there was actually something there. Chipmunk and I hit it off great, and were encouraged to flirt by Airyn. Now I have come to the realization that Chipmunk is not bi-curious or bi-sexual, that she can be called only bi-flexibly. Meaning that she is ok with another woman in the mix, but not interested in fulfilling said woman. For me this is a huge disappointment. As I truly identify as bisexual.
I have told Airyn for many many years that for me there is no difference in being with a woman or a man. The emotions, the physical response is the same. That if he is going to feel threaten by a dude flirting with me, he should feel the same when it's a women. He understand this on an intellectual level, but for him it is easier to be ok with me and another women. So there is an OPP (one penis policy) in place. Since I'm interested in women I have no problem with that.
We are at 5 months with this relationship, and things have changed. Now it's still a Vee but we are no longer attempting to create a Triad. I am no longer interested in pursuing Chipmunk in that fashion. I have told them both this, and that I am ok with Airyn and Chipmunk continuing their relationship. Airyn is not comfortable with me no longer pursuing Chipmunk, and we have talked about me looking for a GF of my own.
To Be continued:
The begining: Part 1
DISCLAIMER: This is coming from a place of sadness and hurt, so take what you read here with a heavy grain of salt. Remember that these are my words, my impressions, and do not necessarily reflect everything accurately (despite my best efforts I can not detach completely). Not all the details are expressed here. Some things may even be out of order.
Where to start?
Airyn met Chipmunk in a college class (she is in her 20's, we are in our 30"). It started as just hanging out with like minded people from this arts class they were taking. Some times Chipmunk was at these get together and some times not.
One time when the location offered alcohol, Chipmunk told Airyn that she was attracted to me. I do not know the exact wording as I was not at the table at the time. So another get-together was set up with less people from the class. At this restaurant there was also alcohol being consumed. At one point I got up from the table, and Chipmunk told Airyn (in front of my daughter Wolf) that she could kiss me. This got Airyn thinking that Chipmunk may be bisexual and open to a poly situation. in a more private moment he told me what Chipmunk had said, that he felt that she would be open to the type of poly relationship he and I had previously talked about. Then he suggested that I kiss her on the cheek when she came back over to us.
That evening went well. Chipmunk responded as if she was enjoying herself. We didn't make out so much as hug, and share a chaste kiss. Mostly she was hanging all over me. We did a lot of talking about the guy (call him J) she was there to see, and about how that wasn't working out the way she really wanted it to, but she was determined to get some kisses from him before going home. She got what she wanted and not long after we each went home.
This evenings events sparked some interesting conversations about poly, about the possibility. Airyn has known about my interest in women for many many years. He has hooked me up with online only GF's in the past, and has often offered me advice on picking up women I'm interested in. In part he wants this for me to experience a woman. Being married, with a kid I have always been unsure how to actually go about making bisexual girlfriends. It's been somewhat isolating. I go through periods of just ignoring my interest, and then others where I indulge (at least in visuals, and fantasies). So Airyn and I talk. It still seems like a fantasy to me, but we decide to hang out with her more and see what develops. Another group restaurant outing later, and we are talking about dinner at our place. I'm not sure who's idea it was now ours, Airyns, or Chipmunks. Either way it became the norm for us to plan "dinner dates" at home. Making themed meals/events. Like our New Orleans night: Gumbo, a red wine, Jazz, and French music. She and I were even planning to get dressed up for the evening. Well that date got canceled by her mother. That's when we find out what her living situation is really like.
So we attempt to reschedule our New Orleans night, several times. What it boils down to. We are able to meet up about once or twice a month with a week to two weeks of planning. The "dates" are only going to have about 5 hours before she has to be home. For us (Airyn and myself) this is depressing. For Chipmunk this is normal, but something that she really doesn't like, and complains to us about. So Chipmunk is coming over to our place here and there for dinner, and movies. She and I do some heavy flirty, and kissing/making out. We (Airyn and I) talk to Chipmunk about polyamory, and send her a link to a poly-positive article to see what she thinks. NRE has me telling her what I see as an ending. She seems receptive, but hesitant. Eventually telling me that she is unsure of Airyn. She and I discuss the possibility of a relationship working out between them if they have more time to get to know each other. That we'd like the opportunity to really date her as a couple. She agrees to this, saying that Airyn is in "the friend box" because of him being married. Airyn and I discuss this issue, and he feels that given time to date that they may find they have chemistry together. We also discuss the marriage issue and how in the future we should introduce ourselves as partners versus married. That the piece of paper that tells the world we are married has no baring on how we feel about each other. As a matter of fact I have told people (and so has Airyn) the were were "married" the day we met.
Typically we set up "dates" during the weekend it's usually the easiest with every ones schedule. But about a week after the above conversation Chipmunk calls me up and asks if we have plans for the day (a Wednesday). As it turns out we didn't so over she comes. Airyn and I pull together a quick gumbo, minus the wine as we were out. Chipmunk arrives, we have gumbo on the stove, and French music playing. She says something about not getting to dress up like we had planned. So I offer to play in my closet with her and see what we can come up with. She trying on an outfit, and shows off to Airyn, who follows us and suggests some specific clothes that he thinks might fit her, and look good. I find them, and Chipmunk and I close ourselves in the closet to change. Airyn is very appreciative of the outfits we have changed into (nothing overt everything is covered very little cleavage, but sexy). Airyn is leaning on our desk with his drink in his hand, and Chipmunk lays down in a very suggestive fashion across our bed. I join her, and then Airyn joins us. The evening progress till we are all really enjoying ourselves. Airyn makes the comment that he would do more then go down on her if she were interested in him. She says she wants it ALL, so out I go for protection. Last minutes condoms are uncomfortable for both parties. We find out that Chipmunk has never had an orgasm, and so the evening ends without sexual release for anyone involved, but everyone still seems happy and at least interested in each other.
Time passes, and she is now talking about a sleep over at our place. She is trying to talk her mother into allowing it, but this doesn't seem to be working out for her. She does come over for another visit in which there is no PIV as it was decided that that should wait, due to condoms being uncomfortable, and Airyn not being sure of his welcome. After this visit Chipmunk expresses regret about the lack of PIV, which gets Airyn and I talking about how she feels about him. As she still hasn't told us much about what she is feeling. I encourage him to chat her up online when ever he can to see how that goes. They had already been chatting, but I was suggesting more intimate communication then they had previously kept to.
At this point Wolf gets informed that we are indeed all three dating. More plans get canceled. We set up a get together at an out door arts event. Chipmunk is planning to meet up with J, and a few friends beforehand. While hanging out with J and friends thing aren't going the way Chipmunk wants, and she starts feeling ignored by J. I offer to pick her up so she can hang out at our place before going to the arts event later in the evening. It's an offer made half in jest that I did not expect her to actually chose. However, she eventually (as in hours later) sends me a text asking me to come get her that she's had enough of being ignored. So I go pick her up and Airyn starts cooking. We have a good few hours together, and then go out to the arts event, and send her home. The next morning we find out that her mother pinged the GPS on her phone at our home, and that she's not going to be able to visit with us any time soon. (This is about 2ish months of dating condensed down to the bare bones)
Some where in those months we talked about looking for a larger home together with space for her to live with us, and a lot of talking about her home life with her mom. What she wants, how long she is willing to live in that environment, and such and so forth. We eventually start suggesting that she move in now, and that we can get a bigger place later.
Once Chipmunk realizes that due to her home life dating us is over she decides to go for it, and we move her in while her family is all at work. This causes the mom to start sending messages to us, her, and many of her friends. Because the phone she had been using was on her mothers phone plan, and because her car was registered to her mom we told her to leave those behind so that they could not report these as stolen. We were still accused of theft; however Chipmunk knew exactly where the "missing" items were located. This caused even more strife between Airyn and I and Chipmunks family. As in we do not like or respect them right now.
Family issues aside: the relationship between Airyn and Chipmunk progresses, and the relationship between Chipmunk and myself stalls. None of us see this at the time though. We all think everything is going well between us. PIV is put off till birth control is out of the way, but there is still a lot of hot sexual action between the three of us. Chipmunk is still talking to J and unsure if she want to make that work or not. We have told her that that is up to her to decide, as we are not expecting her to be committed to just us.
The begining: Part 2
Birth control gets taken care of, Chipmunk and i have a girl shopping day, for fun prep before she and Airyn get their first evening alone (and) for PIV. We get relaxing bath bombs, and body lotions, and sexy under clothes. The next evening is all there's and they have a great time. A bit unsure of each other, but both very much wanting to be together. So now there is nothing keeping the sexual hormones at bay, and I find myself a bystander too too often. I talk to Airyn about this, and we agree that no one should be left out (unfulfilled) when the three of us are all together. This discussion is after weeks of pent up sexual tension between the three of us, and is brought about due to my sudden spike of insecurity with how I look, and my desirability to Airyn and Chipmunk.
Sometimes I choose to set up a scenario where the two of them are together, and set my physical want for sex aside, but having no choice or option for my own needs is not healthy over a longish period of time. Still none of us see any real problems with our relationship, it looks like everything will smooth out, and things are going to work well (NRE). Then another weekend comes when I end up in the position as a bystander. Not being offered much of anything. I get to touch, but am not being touched. Later that evening I'm very emotional, feeling very insecure, and unattractive. Airyn try's to console me, but I'm having a hard time explaining how I'm feeling, and what is wrong. I eventually tell him that I feel very unattractive and as if he doesn't want me, and doesn't want to see me naked. He tells me this isn't true and we have a really good talk about my insecurity. We talk more about it the next day when I am less emotional. I explain that it is hard to feel sexy, attractive, and desirable when the people I am making out with are not reaching out for me. This sparks another conversation about everyone being taken care of when we are all together. Again it is agreed that no one should be left out and feel wanting.
During the work week, I'm in bed sleeping by 5pm, as I get up for work at midnight. Both Airyn, and Chipmunk stay up to see me off to work, then they have the bed, and bedroom to them selves. I work 5 nights a week. Chipmunk at this time is work far enough away that getting her to work during rush hour take at least an hour, sometimes more. Typically she had only been scheduled for 3-4, 4-5 hour shifts. So if her start or end time was during rush hour then Airyn and I would have about 2-3 hours of time at home alone. This started stressing me out after about a month of Chipmunk living with us. The lack of time for the dyad between Airyn and myself started really wearing me out, and NRE began receding due (in part) to this lack of time.
So another incident comes up with my one "boundary" being discarded. Wolf is home it is midday, so Airyn tells Chipmunk that it will have to wait till later in the evening. She sets herself in a sexy position across the bed, and it doesn't take us long to join her. Again I am in the bystander position of not being touch, but being allowed to touch. Chipmunk notices that things aren't right with me and asks if I'm ok. I don't respond right away, but basically tell her I'm enjoying myself. Afterwards we are headed out for a bit, and Airyn asks me if I enjoyed having Chipmunk between us (Chipmunk is in the bedroom getting ready to go). To which I tell him that it was NOT ok to be left out again, and walk out the door. I'm getting all emotional and want to forget about my upset and have a good time while we are out. I tell him that I just don't want to think about it. That it is one thing when I set us up in such a way that I'm not asking for anything, but it is another to have that choice taken from me. He tells me that from now on he will leave threesome options up to me. That he won't initiate anything with out me asking for it, or that I will have to initiate on my own. I'm agreeable to this. And so make suggestions in advanced of what I'd like to do, or ask what Airyn, or Chipmunk would like. Chipmunk does not offer suggestions, Airyn does, and things seem ok for a while.
At one point just after PIV first became available between Chipmunk and Airyn, Chipmunk and I attempted an evening just for us. We had our bath, and snuggled in the bedroom. But There isn't much touching forth coming from her. Once she reaches the happy place that has thus far been as far as she gets I come back up and snuggle with her. At this point she tells me she doesn't know what to do with me. I suggest that she does what she enjoys having done to her. Her response, "I don't know what I like." This evening leaves me feel very much rejected, and unhappy. About a week later after many talks with Airyn he tells me that Chipmunk is also feeling rejected, and that I need to talk to her. He gets us together, and gets us talking. I admit that I miss being able to snuggle with her, and that i miss making out with her (we had both been more or less avoiding each other). She says she miss these things to. So it seems we have started repairing the rift our evening alone created. Unfortunately things are never quite the same between us. Her kisses no longer turn me on, and I start realizing that she's just not into me. This hurts as well, and is even harder for me to talk about.
Airyn starts being seriously worried about how I am doing. He sees Chipmunk and I floundering in creating our dyad. He starts talking to Chipmunk about making things work, about how worried he is. He and I talk about how I'm unhappy with how little time and space he and I have to be a couple together. We come up with a few ideas to try to alleviate this issue. Things are obviously not perfect, but we want to make it work, and are trying out different options. The results of Airyns conversations with Chipmunk is this. They are both worried about how I am reacting to the loving relationship that they have between them, and the lack of time I hve to be with either of them separately (mostly this is a problem for me with Airyn). Chipmunk asks Airyn what will happen to their relationship if things don't work between she and I. He tells her that it will not put them in a good place.
One of the solutions Airyn and I try out for getting some alone time is to go for a walk just the two of us. Unfortunately living in Texas and it being summer time it was just too hot. So instead we start spending a couple hours at the end of my day talking in the bedroom together. him sitting beside me while I'm laying down on the bed. We have told Chipmunk that nothing too intimate is going on and that she is welcome to come and go as needed. She does come and go here and there, nothing invasive, but enough to alleviate any concern she may have had with being excluded (I think).
So it is during Airyn's and my walk together in the heat that he tells me about the conversation with Chipmunk about her relationship with me. I tell him that it doesn't really feel good to know that she will only be attempting to placate me to continue her relationship to him. But I think about it a little more, and tell him that it doesn't have to be all that distasteful, that she was hitting on me and that that is why we are here. He agreed that he felt she wasn't just going to be placating me, that she genuinely wants this to work. The next morning (I may have the time line wrong here) he tells me that I should be open and receptive to anything Chipmunk may suggest. That they had talked about her dating me, and that she really wants to spend more time with me. So she asks me out on a date, and we start coming up with plans. Airyn asks me how this felt, and I told him I liked it, that it did catch me off guard even with him telling me to expect something different.
The begining: Part 3
Prior to Chipmunk asking me out on a date, I had asked her if she would be ok with me taking Airyn out for a date night. Told her what i would like to be able to do, and that She should feel free to go out that night as well, that Wolf is old enough, and quite capable of taking care of herself. She says that it is ok with her that I want to take Airyn out, but that she doesn't like the idea of leaving Wolf alone for hours.
Eventually I find what I am looking for and start planning a date night to take Airyn out to a drive-in movie double feature. I keep Chipmunk in the loop about the length of time Airyn and I will be gone, and again suggest that she go out for a time. She says she will think about it. This date was planned to be around an anniversary of Airyn's and mine, and gets canceled due to some unexpected medical expenses causing a lack of funds. We reschedule for the next weekend, and I offer to buy dinner from burger house, (a fast food place that Chipmunk has not been to and expressed an interest in). So this time everything is a go, but does not go as planned. Chipmunks work schedule interferes with the timing, as well as the stops made to pick up last minute food, and shampoo, ect. Chipmunk is going out to an arts event with a few friends. She intends to see J, but has decided that she is no longer interested in pursuing that relationship.
Airyn and I leave, Chipmunk is getting ready for her evening out, and Wolf is set up with a couple movies to watch while everyone is out. Airyn and I realize that we have left so late we won't make it to the drive-in on time, so last minute change of plans. We end up at a nice theater watching a 3 hour long movie. We have asked Chipmunk to let us know when our friend arrives so we know when she's headed out for the night. So we get a text about an hour after we expected saying just that the friend is MIA. Airyn has the phone, and has been keeping an eye on it. So now we are sitting in a dark theater, unable to respond due to lack of lighting, and have no idea if she is at the event or at home. This causes some worry and tension for myself and Airyn. We are both distracted with worry.
Chipmunk has a very flirty nature and can get very physically friendly when she has been drinking. Because of this and because the friend she will be hanging out with has been dealing with a crappy end to a long-time relationship, we have asked her to watch how much she drinks. We are asking that she be care not to make our friend uncomfortable, and not put herself in a position with J that will leave her feeling upset later.
The movie is over and as we are making our way to our car Airyn is texting Chipmuck trying to find out what is up. She sends a text saying that our friend is getting her drunk. This worries him so he calls we find out where they are eating and ask about meeting them there. So here I am on a date with my guy going to met up with our girlfriend. Feeling pretty low that my plans went array, and trying to decide how I feel about spending the rest of the evening with our girlfriend instead of just as a couple. I talk to Airyn about this and we decide that we do want to go hang out instead of heading home. We end up having a good time, Chipmuck continues drinking till she is at the point of excessive flirtatiousness with our friend. This causes Airyn to try taking control and getting her flirting focused on the two of us. It almost works, we leave with my date escorting Chipmunk to the car and me walking with our friend.
The results of this being that she is done bothering with hooking up with J at these types of events, but she is still interested in being friends so they send text messages back and forth. Till one night she gets a text from J asking, Don't you love me any more" which weirds her out as they weren't actually dating since he was brushing her off most of the time.
About a week later, Airyn and I are not in a good place together. He has been very distracted over a period of days. This has lead to him not paying much attention to me, but me watching him paying attention to Chipmunk. It has also lead to him being verbal frustrated and taking some of that out on me. Eventually I get tired of these interaction and call him out for it. This causes a huge (heavy) discussion, where he initially shows a lack of understanding, and compassion. Causing me to become more upset and walking out to sit on the swings next door. Airyn follows me and apologizes for being so frustrated and distracted. We talk about how these are things that had always been part of our relationship, that he has always been able to rely on me to be understanding when he's in a foul moody place. In turn I'm explaining that if he were distracted then he should be just as distracted with both of us. I told him that I have not been feeling as though Chipmunk wants to be with me. That her lack of interest, his lack of attention, and him being frustrated with me every time we talk is too much for me to handle all at once. That all this is coming on the heals of having been a bystander in our group interactions too much, and while I'm trying to move past that it's still an unhappy place. So I'm telling him that he can only have one or the other moody tendencies. If he is distracted then he has to talk to me calmly, and kindly. or if he is being frustrated then he needs to pay attention to the small details, like kissing me good morning. In essence I'm asking him to either be nice, or be nice. This results in him feeling that I don't feel secure in our relationship, and has kinda floored him. I tell him that I'm not saying anything new, I'm just getting better at talking about it.
I talk to him about watching him and Chipmunk fall in love, and how Chipmunk and I are still very distant with each other. That we are trying to go out and have a good time, and I'm trying to take each moment and make the most of it. But that having so much negative, and uncomfortable around me, and in front of me is hard. That I need him, I need more time to be with just him, but that I also want more time to be with just Chipmunk. That I want to repair the rift she and I created by trying for too much to soon. He tells me that we should go out and have a good time, and that we should be sure to plan more outings just the two of us.
For Chipmunk and my date we go out and have Airyn drop us off so we can drink, and not worry about getting home safe as he will be picking us up. She is disappointed that the location she pick out is dead, as in we are the only customers, but we try making the most of it. We have a good time, and some good conversation, but have not gotten enough for the amount of alcohol we drank, and call Airyn up to come get us earlier then we had intended. All in all it was a good night, with a few road bumps that we worked around.
So time has moved on, and things are somewhat evenish. As in nothing much has changed in the relationship status. Airyn is sorting out how he feels about my insecurities with him, and with Chipmunk. and we have all talked about how things are not going in the direction Chipmunk and I had originally intended. Chipmunk and I talk about just finding some close somewhat intimate balance between us. Something that we can both be happy with, and not find ourselves being uncomfortable when the three of us are together.
More time passes, and thing with Chipmunk and I are still at this stalled place. We talk, and chat like friends, we kiss, hold hands, but there is still no interest (as far as I can see) from Chipmunk in touching me during sex. This becomes a disappointment for me. I talk about it some what with Airyn asking for dating advice, and asking him where to go for more threesome ideas. That since Chipmunk doesn't seem interested in touching me and exploring my body I'm not sure what I want to do when the three of us are together. He offers some good advice about a porn site that has clean sensual videos, and suggest that we consider watching some together. Telling me not to expect things to move towards sex, but to go with it as a fun intimate time to gather ideas together. So I shyly attempt to breach this idea with Chipmunk. I'm telling her that I'd like to try watching some adult content movie together, that I had talked to Airyn about threesome ideas, and he had suggested some videos. She looked shocked, and when Airyn came in the room and went to offer her kisses, she dodged him and told him she was mad at him. This confused me, and ended my attempt at this conversation. In stead of pursueing this as if she would be interested in watch porn with me I tell her that I came to Airyn for ideas, that I had asked him what to do, where to go, that I was looking for intimate things for she and I. I'm attempting to tell her that we would have been watching sensual videos, and nothing to raunchy, or degrading as those don't interest me. Her only comment was a very uncomfortable, "I don't watch porn with other people".
I am hurt, disappointed, and I realize from her reaction that she has not been asking Airyn about how to date me. This upsets and confuses me. I ask him about it and he says that they really haven't had the time. So I point out that he and I are finding time for me to ask dating advice and that we have only 8-10 hours a week of alone time. He tells me that he felt it was kinda weird that she got mad at him for that, but that he think I may be taking it more seriously then it should be. That she may not have been serious about being upset, just trying to make light of the issue. But I'm still feeling hurt so he presses me to talk to her about it. I tell him that there's no point in saying anything when she has made it so clear that she's not interested.
The next week I hear from Airyn that Chipmuch has asked him to get a certain porn movie for her. I don't comment other then to clarify what type of movie it is. Chipmunk never says anything to me about it so I assume it is for just her. A couple weeks later, I'm at work and texting with Airyn and find out that Chipmuck is watching this porn. Airyn tells me, "We are watching that porn she asked me for, it's quite good actually." So again I'm feel hurt and rejected, and find that I don't know how to talk to either of them about this. So I just put it away. Deciding I don't want to think about it.
More time passes, and Airyn and Chipmucks mutual artsy class has a sensuality assignment. I offer to be their model. at first this seems good. Airyn gets some things he needs, and then uses Chipmuck for some of what he needs. During this time Chipmunk is not suggesting anything for me to help her with this assignment. They are down to crunch time, and I ask her if she has any ideas. She says no, so I offer a few, but we end up sitting on opposite sides of the bed, me not able to look up while she tells me that it's nothing against me. She just doesn't do posed people, she prefers candid for other people and posed for herself. I'm hurt, and left feeling unattractive, but I'm also trying to be understanding. She has a certain way she wants things to be in her art, on an intellectual level I can understand that. So I try to put the feelings of rejection aside.
Sort version: Chipmunk is feeling that having an intimate relationship with me is being forced on her. I'm feeling that all my attempts at a more intimate then "just Friends" relationship are being refused/shot down. I'm feeling rejected. I'm talking to Airyn about this, and I think so is Chipmunk. He sits us both down together, and tells us how similar we are, some of the things we have in common. That we have both be running from creating each other scared, and he's watching thing flounder between us. He tells us that we don't have to "be lovers" but that we should work at being more then just friends. Chipmunk and I are giggling at our own foolishness, and agree that we both want this to work.
Things between Chipmunk and I are still not moving beyond slightly more then friends. And I start really asking myself why. During this whole thing I have been reding these forums, the Master Thread, some of the blogs. Trying to see how other poly relationships work, looking for ideas, and good advice, but not actually asking any questions. The more I read, and think about how I feel, and what I want I find that I'm figuring out the situation.
I want to be with a women who is interested in exploring another woman's body, who's comfortable with their own sexuality. Once I realize that Chipmunk isn't comfortable with her sexuality I start looking at where we are. I realize that she is not bisexual, that she's not truly even bi-curious. That she might be called bi-flexible, as in she is ok with a woman in the mix, with a woman touching her, but not ok with touch another woman (outside of kissing, and hand holding). This is very disappointing for me. But I want to find a way to make our current living arrangements work. So I figure out that what I want from Airyn is 2 days a week, and at least one weekend a month of alone time.
I tell him this and I tell him that I don't see a way to make that happen with Chipmunk living in our tiny space. So this request can not be fulfilled, but at least what I want is known. Less then a week later I tell Airyn that I'm no longer interested in pursuing an intimate relationship with Chipmunk, but that it is ok that she is his girlfriend. That the problem now is that he and I still have very very little time to be just us, and that I really really do what what I asked for. That this will leave plenty of time for him to have a girlfriend. He reminds me that our lease is up in 5ish months, and asks if I can wait it out till then. That he feels asking Chipmunk to move out will alienate her, and will be like us breaking our promise to help her out of her home life with mom. I tell him I'm willing to try, and he asks if he can tell her. Say that it will be a relief to her, and that it might make a relationship between she and I easier. That I should burn any bridges, and that I should stay open to the possibility.
Chipmunk is told while she is at work and say pretty much the same thing that it's good to hear, that it will make things less "forced" between she and I. I tell Airyn that thing should not have felt forced, we are in this relationship because she expressed an interest in me, and then I get sad, and ask him to cuddle telling him that It feels like I'm breaking up with her. He tells me that I'm offering her comfort, and security and that I should be happy, and not sad about it.
Closing in on Today: Part 1
The night/evening ends with us all feeling some relief. Me because Airyn isn't upset that I'm done with Chipmunk. Chipmunk because I'm not requiring an end to her relationship with Airyn. Airyn because I'm ok with him having a girlfriend, and that I'm willing to try to make things work with what we have right now.
The next morning, I join them in our shared bed, for a nap after work. When we get up, Chipmuck asks Airyn to scoot over, he asks why as she has never asked this before. Always in the mornings Airyn is in the middle with me and Chipmuck snuggling on either side of him. She tell Airyn that she wants to snuggle. Puts her self between Airyn and I and puts her arm around me. I hold her hand, but I start getting upset and emotional. I'm upset because she has not wanted to touch me, has not offer to cuddle with me. That for the past 2 months the only times she and I have snuggled are when I have asked her to. Even then she had sometimes brushed me off.
Its obvious that I'm upset, and Chipmunk gets up and heads to the kitchen for coffee. Airyn asks me whats wrong. I can't say anything right away, but end up telling him that I want things that I can't have right now. The conversation gets more emotional, and heated. I end up telling him that I am ok with him having a girlfriend, but I'm not ok with her living with me. I'm not ok with her sleeping in my bed. I'm not ok that his girlfriend is keeping me from having the things in our relationship that I want, and need. I tell Airyn that I'm tired of being in a relationship where one person doesn't want me, and the other doesn't have time to be with me. That even when he and I are alone, he's not present with me. That I can't even complain about it cause we both do that. We both worry about Chipmunk, and how she's feeling, how my hurt is effecting her emotional situation. We both watch for her call, we watch the clock to see when we have to leave to go get her from work. That this is not Quality time for us.
I'm getting angry and telling him that I have been right. That these past few months she has just been placating me in an attempt to keep her relationship with him. That it was never real, that her deciding she wants to snuggle after two months of showing her lack of interest is very harsh. Airyn is just trying to calm me down, and get us to a better place so we can all go about our day. I tell him that I'm not kicking her out, but that this can't last. He reminds me that we'll be getting a bigger place in a few months, and that it will be easier that the things I miss, that have been put on hold between us will be there when we have the time and space. I tell him that I have never been good a waiting.
Airyn tells me that I should look for a girlfriend of my own, that even if its just some one to hang out with it might help me feel less uncomfortable, and that I should look for a real girlfriend that he's not comfortable continuing a relationship that has be come so one sided. That we got into this relationship together. That part of why he was so quick to jump at this was so that I would get the opportunity to experience a women. I tell him that I've been thinking about that over the last couple days. That I haven't decided how I feel about that, but that I'm considering it. I told him that I'm not sure I'm comfortable spending time building a new relationship when I'm not getting what I need out of my relationship with him. He asks me to think about it. He tells me that it is ok with him, as long as it's a girl friend.
Since I have been on the site so much I know that this is an insecurity on his part, and I point that out. That everything he has said to me about why he can't accept me with a guy, I can say right back to him and call it a one pussy policy. That the only reason this is acceptable to me is because I do want a woman, and that as long as I get what I need from him I won't feel the need to look for a man. I tell him that in essense he has asked me to be comfortable and secure in my relationship with him to be ok watching him with a woman, seeing him fall in love with her, but telling me he is not as secure as he expects me to be.
He spends several hours thinking about that. He knows that I'm not asking to be with another man, that I do want to be with a woman so his OPP is ok with me. He comes back and says that it may be insecure, but that he would not be comfortable with me being with a guy. That if I came to him and told him that the only way he could continue his relationship with Chipmunk was for me to be able to date a guy he would end his relationship with her. This worries me, but I can't say anything. I don't want to make things harder for him or for Chipmunk. He's just given me a way to destoy everything. To put an end to this situation. Even though I do what more space, and I do want her to be able to move out on her own, I don't really want to come between them. I don't want to create resentment. I want what happens in their relationship to be between them, to be controled by them.
The day ends up being very stressful for everyone. There doesn't feel like any resolution. To make matters worse this is the day that I have kept Wolf home from school. Her birthday was Saturday. And our plans for that day didn't go so well. I was making her a cake from scratch including the icing. Well we forgot some things when Wolf and I went out to get the supplies we needed, and had to go back out for birthday candles. She and I joked about it, and were being silly together. Then when I go to frost her cake, the frosting bowl ends up upside down on the kitchen floor. So I'm stressing out, I have to go back out and get more things to remake the frosting. Wolf is subdued knowing that I'm sad and unhappy cause I feel like I'm f'ing things up. She and I talk and I tell her that at least there isn't cake flying all over the kitchen like what happened to my mom. I tell her that story again, and she and I laugh about it. We make jokes, and remake the frosting. I tell her that next year she should ask me to take her to Wholefoods for a cake there. That if I'm going to make her a cake we'll have to do it on a day that isn't her birthday.
Closing in on Today: Part 2
So Back to Tuesday. I'm unhappy, and stressed, and this is stressing out Airyn and Chipmunk. We still go out to try to have a good time for Wolf's mid school week birthday stuff, and things end up being disappointing. Airyn warns me that it won't go well, and says he's going to go for a photography walk and will be back later. Chipmunk, Wolf and I decide to try anyway. We get home really late for my work schedule, and are disappointed that Airyn was right. I tell Airyn that we should have just stayed home and gone for a walk with him. I'm even more stressed then before, and not feeling able to sleep, but call it a night as I have about 6 hours before work.
Airyn and Chipmunk have a stressfilled evening after I go off to bed. They talk about the situation, and about her spending time with family this weekend. She is saying that she is changing her schedule to spend Saturday with her mom. This is a continuation of a conversation from Monday that caused a long silence from Chipmunk. Airyn tells her that he's just selfish, that when she has a day off he wants to be able to see her, to spend time with her. That it's ok that she wants to spend time with her mom, he's just sad that she'll likly be gone all Saturday. This cheers her up. But still they have ineffective communication. Where they are talking and she doesn't like hearing his opnions and will stop speaking to him for hours at a time, and not come back to what caused her to be upset.
All of these event cause a lot of stress between them, they go to bed late, and have a disconnect for the third time about sex, and emotions. He's wanting to cuddle, and lose himself with someone he loves, to forget about what has caused him stress, and remind himself that what's important is the person he's with. She's telling him she stressed, and not in any way shape or form up for sex. That to her he's just using her for that release. He's telling her that it's never just sex, just fucking for him. That his emotions are always engaged, and that that can not be turned off. So they fall asleep, upset, frusterated. An hour later she is waking him up interested in sex, and he's even more upset. (I'm hearing these things from them after the fact) He's feeling like what was the difference between now and an hour ago, and is says forget this and rolls over to go back to sleep.
We spend the morning going to school, Airyn unhappy, and uncommunicative, Chipmunk unhappy, and not wanting to talk. I can tell that something happened, but am not given a chance just yet to find out what. After class, Airyn goes to bed. I follow him telling Chipmuck I'm check on Airyn and will be right back. I'm asking if he's ok, and what's wrong. He's saying it's nothing that he's just tired, and is going to take a nap. I tell him I'm here when he wants to talk, give him kisses and go back to the kitchen. I tell Chipmunk that Airyn is going to take a nap. A few mins later she heads in there to talk to him for a minute, and comes right back out. I'm on my PC reading these forums. She tells me about the disconnect, and says she wants to go talk to him. She saying that she would like to make things better, but not sure if talking to him will help. I think about it for a moment, and tell her that it sounds like they really need to talk and work this out between them. I wish her luck in making things better. She heads off and closes them in the bedroom.
I'm messing around reading forums it's really quiet in the house. I can't hear them talking or even the drone of conversation, but I do hear what to my ears sounds like his belt buckle coming off, and dropping to the floor. This freaks me out some what. I'm telling myself that no he wouldn't do that to me, that he wouldn't close up in the bedroom with me in the next room and have sex with his girl friend, leaving me out and not informing me before hand. But another voice in my head is telling me that he's left me out before. I'm so uncomfortable that I decide to get out. So I go sit on the kitchen porch, with my back to the kitchen window. I leave the Big door open, but close the screen. This greatly reduce any sounds that might be forth coming, and puts me where I can be seen immediately.
After a while I decide to check out a dating site that I've read about on these forums. I'm not sure what I will do, but decide that I can make an account and at least check it out and see if it's the kind of place I will feel comfortable meeting people. So I make a login, and start answering questions.
Chipmunk comes out and I ask if things went well, she kinda shrugs and says it'll be ok. So we talk about non-emotional, non-relationship stuff. Just generally being friendly, and even joking around some. Airyn comes out, and Chipmunk goes inside to make food and coffee. It's obvious that she's avoiding him, or maybe just giving him space to vent with me. It amounts to the same thing. Airyn and I are outside talking, and Chipmuck is in the kitchen makeing food stuffs and coffee.
So I hear what happened after they went to bed from Airyn's point of view. I express my understand of what he wanted with Chipmunk. I tell him that she is just young, and does not have that kind of experiance with sex. That if he doesn't talk to her about it she will never understand where he is coming from. Airyn reminds me that this is not the first time they have had this same disconnect, and he expresses his extreme upset, and frusteration over it. He's telling me things I already know about him. That it's always emotions on, that he's not shallow, that no matter how short or extended sex maybe it is always emotionally charged, and that he doesn't like be judged as if he is just "using her for sex".
We move among many subject after this, he is still being very moody and frusterated. He's telling me about the shitty day he had in class, and how he didn't connect with the class over the images they were viewing. How he felt that the rest of the class didn't respond appropriatly to these emotionally charged images. He's also telling me that Chipmunk didn't understand how he felt about the class being all yeah we throw away too much plastic and are soo attached to our technology. Why do they see this, but not see the famine, and abuse that is a constant in so many other locations/countries.
Then I'm talking to him about the dating site I'm sign up to, and how I'm not really expecting anything, but thought I could look over the site, and see how the sites environment feels. He reacts in a suprised fashion. Saying that he didn't see me being comfortable with poly or with finding a girlfriend of my own. I tell him that just because things didn't work with Chipmunk doesn't mean they can't work. And I talk to him more about the things I have learn from reading the master thread. That when I do try again that I'll have boundaries from the begining, that I won't have the same expectations. That I won't be moving any one in. That that sort of thing should be off the table for at least 2-3 years. He's being generally negative and moody, doom and glum. Saying how that would never work it's all or nothing kind of thing. So I tell him that right now he is just emotional so everything looks bad, and negative, and as if it won't work. He tells me that's rich comeing from me considering the previous day. So I tell him that it just shows that I understand that tomorrow when he's less emotional he'll feel differently. That I'm not telling him he shouldn't be upset, just that he is upset, and that what he says now is not really how he feels.
He lets go of the semi-disagreement over what types of boundaries I'd like, and nods that yeah he realizes I'm right he'll feel different tomorrow. But he is still very angry, and isn't wanting to actually talk to Chipmunk right now. He does say that their conversation isn't over and that he will talk to her.
It's bed time again, and again I'm not feeling sleepy. I know I need sleep and I go lay down. When it's becomes obvious that I'm not falling a sleep Airyn comes in the bedroom, we leave the door open so it's obvious we are not shutting Chipmunk out, just sitting and talking. Still Airyn is avoiding talking to Chipmunk. He brings me a night cap telling me it will help me sleep. and I'm talking to him about the new stress that Wolf has brought home with her. She is having trouble with an adult, and I will have to go to the school in the morning to see what I can do about it. Wolf feels that this adult is being rude, so it's nothing physical, just hurtful words. Airyn and I talk more about me looking for a girl friend, about being poly. He warns me that I will have to be careful with him comeing to me over his upsets with Chipmunk. That he doesn't want this to cause Chipmunk and I to avoid each other, or for me to begin hating her over his upsets.
Closing in on Today: Part 3
He's talking about still being unhappy over the night before, and saying some pretty harsh things about his relationship with Chipmunk. I'm just letting himtalk it out. We switch back and forth from his stressors to mine. Eventually he offers me a second "night cap" as the first wasn't enough. We talk some, but the alcohol is having it's effect and I'm getting sleepy. So he tucks me in bed saying he'll check on me in a bit. But I don't fall right to sleep, I get up to use the bathroom, and then kinda fall back into bed. So when he comes back to check on my I'm half laying in the bed. This worries him so he makes sure I'm awake, and asks if I'm ok, if the room is spinning. I tell him no, no spinning I just had to pee. He's helping me get under the covers again, and I whisper that I want him. He does his manly surprised giggle, and says, to morrow night babe. So then I'm whispering still telling asking him to turn the fan on and tell him thanks, then I'm asleep.
Time to get up for work, I wake just before my alarm goes off, and Airyn walks in the room with me just sitting up in bed. He asks how I feel, and I tell him that I slept soundly. He's in a better mood. It would seem they did talk things out more, and the stress level is more bare able there is less moodiness. I tell him it looks like they will be ok. and since his less moody, and upset I also tell him that if thing get where I see more negative between him and Chipmunk then I do positive that I'll tell him it's looking unhealthy. That as an observer I know that there is both good and bad in any relationship. I tell Airyn that I understand that he will want to talk more about the bad then the good, but that he can come to me about the good things too.
I take care of Wolf's issue with the school with what resource are available to me. She comes home and has more unhappy news. She is being gossiped about in a very hurtful way. It's the first thing she tels me about when she get home. So I talk to her about what our options are, we plan on going to the school and seeing the principle about the issue. I tell Airyn and Chipmunk what is going on, and vent my ire and frustration over it. Friday morning I take Wolf to school. The response is rather lackluster, and Wolf comes home with me for the day. So another stressful day. Airyn and Chipmunk are at odds over her upcoming day with her mom. She told him Thursday night that they would be picking her up at 9am. Since she takes an hour every morning to get up and ready for her day Airyn cynically comments that she'll have to get up at 7am on a Saturday morning. Which upset chipmunk, so she doesn't talk to him for hours again.
We have plans to go to the Fair after dark that Friday night. While we are out I'm texting with my sister, and being dragged from ride to ride by Wolf. We Wolf some get cotton candy. Chipmunk has been texting her X in another state, and Airyn sees a text she is about to send. All he reads is, our song. He fills in the blanks and decides that she's telling her X that they are playing "our song". I have no idea that this has transpired, but he starts just wanting to go home. So we stop and get a funnel cake and head out. Airyn is walking faster then he usually does when we are all together and is about 3 feet ahead of us, and Chipmunk is walking slower then usually about 3 feet behind Wolf and I. I'm just trying to have a good time with the evening. I know that Wolf had a bad day, and is stressed over school gossip, so she and I are chatting along ignoring Airyn and Chipmunk who are again not talking. I tell Airyn it would be nice to go home, turn on some good music and have a few drinks. He agrees, and I ask him if he's up to driving.
Airyn drives us home everyone takes a turn in the bathroom, and we send Wolf to bed. Chipmunk and I are chatting nothing all that important, but she's talking about family and letting some of her frustration out with out talking about what is wrong. Airyn comes back to the kitchen. turns on some music (like I had asked) it's load which is how we always play it. But this time Chipmunk is unhappy about that cause we had been having a quite conversation. She turns it all the way down, after Airyn turn to the counter to start mixing some drinks. Airyn gets irate with her and turns it back up saying if we want quite to talk to go to the bedroom. She tells me we'll talk about it later, I agree and then ask Airyn what he's doing. He making drinks like I'd asked, and I tell him I wasn't sure he really wanted to. I stand up and tell him to just give me a shot of Tully's (an Irish whiskey that we both like). Chipmunk is in a funk, and I still don't know what is bothering them. She gives su kisses and says she going to bed. I say oh yeah you have to get up early tomorrow (Saturday).
A few minutes later Airyn says he needs to talk to Chipmunk and apologize for yelling at her over the music thing. Off he goes, I finish my drink and get on my computer. When he comes back he tells me what he saw on her phone. About her telling her X that they were playing their song, and how this upset him. I asked if she knew he saw, and if he had talked to her about it. She knows he saw, and they haven't talked. It's just stress for the entire week making a big deal out of something that should have been easy to clear up.
The next morning Chipmunk kisses us goodbye, I ask her to let us know when she on her way home so we know if we should wait on her before going out to our friends house as planned. She says she will be home by 6pm. Which is plenty of time for her to join us. Airyn doesn't respond well to her saying good by, and I ask him if they are still mad at each other. I get no answer and we fall back to sleep. A few hours later we are up and talking about breakfast, but it's late in the morning so we decide to go out for brunch instead of lunch. I talk to Wolf about the change of plans, she agreeable and excited to go to a different place. We have heard good things, but never been to Hank's Black Forest Cafe before. It was really good food, and a beer for Airyn. I can see he's upset still, and I comment that I wish there was something I could do to make him happier right now. But don't say anything about Chipmunk. We all go book shopping at Half Price Books. It is great fun, then home again. Airyn decides to take a nap, and I tell Wolf what's up. I nap a little bit with him, but I'm not so great at sleeping midday, so I spend most of my time on the computer. I know that he's just trying to sleep through his upset, and not take out his frustration on me. A couple hours before we will be leaving for our friends place, Airyn gets up and suggest that we go back out. I say ok, and we decide to get everything we are taking together before we leave so we can just stop by the house grab our things and go. We are making fajitas at our friends, and I'm bring part of the ingredients.
A message from Chipmunk comes in saying she is on her way home. We stay home and wait on her. There isn't much time before we leave, but they go off in the other room to talk for a little bit. They still seem stressed when I interrupt to let them know that our friend is home and ready to start cooking. I apologize for interrupting and tell them to take their time. I message my friend that Chipmunk is getting changed, and that I'll let him know when we are headed his way. They come out ready to go, but still stressed and unhappy with each other. We get to our friends house, and start cooking. Chipmunk is looking for a few ingredients that she'll need to make cupcakes. We are low on eggs, and she needs a few other things to make the guacamole, so Airyn and Chipmunk head to the store. I give them kisses, and whisper in Airyns her to talk to her and come back in a happier mood. My Friend and I get to cooking and preping the meat, and starting the rice. Wolf is setting up the board game we brought to play while we eat. When they get back Airyn tells me it was just a misunderstanding, and he'll explain later. Things are less tense, and we end up having fun with our food, game, and drinks. We leave really late in the night or early the next morning how ever you look at it. Chipmunk has a mid day shift so she goes to bed early, Airyn and I stay up later. Talking quietly, and messing around on the computers.
We go off to the kitchen to make coffee, and he tells me about the misunderstanding. That the auto correct on her phone changes PUT to OUR, that she showed him how this happens. Airyn says that she changed it before sending the message,and that she was talking to her X about a song they both like. That it wasn't anything about "our song" at all. Things seem better, and I tell him that they will be fine. I feel the whole episode is a bit odd, but chalk it up to the stress of the week. Sunday is a non-issue day. Monday I'm up at Wolfs school seeing if I can get Friday changed to an excused absence. I feel that she should be excused due to the stress of being bullied, that a student should not be forced to go to school under those circumstances. Wolf goes to class, she nervous, but willing to give it a go. After dropping Wolf off, I let Airyn and Chipmunk know that I'm taking my computer to the kitchen. That I'm waiting on a phone call. I know they were up late together so i let them sleep. An interesting google search greets me when I open my computer. I read through some of the sites they had opened, and I figure out what happened the previous night. The changing of the bed sheet twice in the same day makes more sense to me after what I've been reading. My First thought is well I was right, she's normal. Chipmunk had her first orgasim with Airyn last night. She had previously talked about it saying that she's broken. I had told her that she wasn't broken, just difficult. That it is normal to have these troubles, and that she'll get there one day.
Closing in on Today: Part 4
It's getting close to Noon, so I go wake them up. They both seem relaxed and happy. Airyn asks Chipmunk if she will tell me what happened last night, but she gets shy and embarrassed. Says she doesn't want to tell, but that he can tell me later. I tell her that I may already know. She looks at me strange, and I say think about the webpage you guys left up last for me to see this morning. They think about it and Airyn says well she knows part of it we should tell her the rest. Chipmunk is still uncomfortable and just say wait till i leave the room. I ask a question about the pages they were looking at, get an honest answer, and tell Chipmunk that i can guess what the other part is. She leaves the room and I tell Airyn, She had her first orgasm last night didn't she. He tells me about it. About how she was mild and he didn't really believe it. He told her not to tell him that just to make him feel better, but she was positive, and so very happy and smiling that he was convinced. She asked him to try again immediately, but he told her that's just trying to hard. I hugged her and remarked that now it should be easier. Even if it take a while before she gets there again at least she knows she can and she can stop thinking that she's broken.
So it's confirmed, we all had a happy moment, then it hits me. I WANTED that. I wanted to experience that. I realize that this is a happy day for them, and that I'm getting upset. So I go off to check on our pets, and am working on our snakes cage. Trying to work out why I'm being upset. I'm not interested in pursuing Chipmunk any more. I decide at first that it is because I had always thought we would get there together as a group. and not just the two of them. Airyn comes into check on me. I tell him I just need a minute, and that I'm taking care of our pet. Before he leave I pull him into a hug, and whisper to him that I always thought it would be us. He hugs me back and says a very heart felt I'm so sorry Numina, don't be upset. (Just writing about it makes me sad.) So I get my self together. and we go out for a fun outing around town. We take Chipmunk to a coffee house she's not been to before. We stop in at a Michael's to do some hobbie/craft shopping together. Then off to Target to get some something for Chipmunks Halloween costume, then a store where she can pick out a short petty coat to wear under her costume's skirt. All in all a good day.
That evening I'm talking to Airyn at bed time. And tell him that it's not so much that about thinking it would be a group thing, but that I wanted to get to experience that with a women. That it's right in front of me, and I don't get to. That Chipmunk is't bisexual. that she's not interested in a physical relationship with me. Talking about how hurt I am, and how I want some space and separation. That right now, with Chipmunk and I being broken up I don't want her here. I'm sad, upset, hurt. I'm saying things that I really shouldn't. Airyn is at a loss. He knows how hurt I have been with all this, how I feel that I was mislead. I tell him that it's not really Chipmunks fault. She didn't know that she wouldn't be comfortable, she thought she was bi and she's not. But I am and I really wanted this. Chipmunk has to be up really early the next day so she joins me in the bed. I talk to her. I'm not as upset as I was, but I'm telling her that it's hard for me. That I don't want her going off for a couple hours with her mom when she see me getting sad about the lack of time and space. That what I actually want is a day. A whole day. a couple days a week, and a weekend or two a month. I tell her that it's not her fault that I know she didn't come into this knowing how things would turn out. I also tell her know this does not change how it feel, does not change that it hurts me. I tell her that we have both learned something. She learned that she doesn't want a full on physical relationship with a women, and I learned that I really do. That I'm glad she had her first orgasm that she proved me right she's not broken, just difficult. We kinda laugh at that. Then I tell her that it also makes me sad because I wanted to experience that, but can't with her.
She offers to try again with me, but I tell her no. That I consider myself to have broken up with her. That she's not bisexual, and doesn't want that type of relationship with me. We talk about how we still like cuddling together, and kissing, holding hands. Airyn joins us for a bit. I tell him that she and I have talked. He looks relieved. I tell Chipmunk that these are the thing Airyn and I have been talking about. I tell her that Airyn has always had my permission to share our conversations with her. She tells me that he doesn't always. I tell Chipmunk that this is because he doesn't want to make her feel worse, and that some times he just doesn't know what to say. I explain that when Airyn and I were talk today that he was telling me that he feels like he has to convince her of what he's saying, and that that is hard for him. So while he's in the room I ask if there is anything that I have left out. If Airyn has told her something about my issues that I haven't shared with her. Airyn tells us that it helps when these thing are coming from the source, that sometimes he just doesn't know what to say. I tell her that it's been really hard for me to talk to her because of how hurt I have been. I tell Chipmunk that I have known for a long while that she wasn't bi, but that I didn't want to really see it. That I wanted to keep trying. That I had hoped she could feel differently at some point.
So here we are, Airyn asking me to find a way to make it in this situation for a little while longer. That if the stress level in the house continues as is that Chipmunk will move out, and that that will be the end of his relationship with her. He explains how it would make her less then an equal partner, that asking her to move out will alienate her. He talks about how everyone knows that I'm not happy, that I'm hurt. That we all know I want time and space with Airyn, and that I want space away from Chipmunk. That I'm struggling with the emotions of breaking up. Asking me to find something to reduce my stress levels. He tells me that everyone is unhappy with the way things are. That Chipmunk didn't know herself, that she's upset about how things turned out. That he misses me too, that everything I have said he feels too. That the emotional roller coaster, of being ok for a day, and then being emotional the next is making it harder to just get by. Airyn tells me that he's not just being selfish that he feels really bad that it didn't work the way we wanted. That he was interested his interest in Chipmunk, and his willingness to start this relationship was for me to get time with a woman.
He asks me again to start looking for a girlfriend of my own. Airyn tells me that he is ok with me having a girlfriend and him not being apart of that. That at first he really didn't like the idea, but that it doesn't bother him. That the evening Chipmunk and I tried to have for just us, he was totally comfortable. Airyn say that Chipmunk may not be here long, that she will one day want someone committed to just her to get married, and have kids, and not have to share her partner. That he's ok with that possibility. That I will have a girlfriend and he may not. I tell him that I don't want a relationship with a woman as bad as I want time with him. That I don't feel that what I have asked for is too much. But I also tell him that I don't want Chipmunk to move out if that will end their relationship. That I want what happens between them to be controlled by them. That I really don't mind that he has a girlfriend, but that I really need some separation. That right now I just don't want to see her all the time. That it is hurtful for me. I tell him that when the two of them were out on there own that I was fine, it didn't bother me. They have gone out for different things/reason for 30 mins to several hours. At one time this would have made me sad, and as if I wasn't wanted, but now it doesn't bother me. It does make me sad or upset.
I tell Airyn that I never saw her moving out that way. That what I asked for 2 days a week and at least 1 weekend a month, would leave 3-5 days each week for him to spend with his girlfriend. His comment is that he would still be living with me. That Chipmunk would not wake up and walk in the kitchen to a cup of coffee, or to him laying in bed beside her, but that I would. That this extra distance would make it difficult for Chipmunk, and that it would make her less of a partner. That right now her relationship with him is at my mercy. This just makes me sad. I don't want this to be so. I don't want to be the cause of their relationship coming to an end. I just want a safe place for myself. I have no place that is mine.
What has been left out?
What has been left out?
A lot. I've glossed over some of the hurt. I've not talked about the problem Chipmunks emotional state has brought up. That on my days off, when we are out with friends, or have friends over for the weekend she gets moody. That she has repeatedly gotten moody, emotional, needed, and requiring of Airyn's constant attention leaving me feeling left out. That Airyn's desire to help her have fun when we are all out together and she gets moody, leaves me as the odd man out, ignored. That I have commented to Airyn about it (at his request as it was happening) and that it didn't change the situation.
The issue cause by Chipmunks drunken flirting has been a big one. That the last time we were out drinking with a good friend of mine, he had invited another guy over as well. That Chipmunk was all over him, and telling both myself and Airyn that it doesn't matter what she does, it matter who she goes home with. That night I told her, I'm right here. Trying to tell she can take two steps to me, and touch me, and flirt with me. Now she wasn't kissing this guy, but she was hanging on him, and pulling his shirt up remarking on the hair on his chest. Wolf was there she took 300-500 picture that night. When Chipmunk saw the pictures of her touching this other guy, she hugged Airyn and apologized. It was the beginning of their conversation where Airyn tells her that it has to stop. She has to control that, that she can channel that into flirting with one of us. That what she does matters, not just who she goes home with. Since that night she has chosen not to drink as much when we are out, or having friends over.
Who knows how thing will go from here.
There's more, so much more.
So much disappointment, and sadness.
I just want to forget, I don't want to think about it. I can't change my nature any more then Chipmunk can change hers.
So there it is the bulk of my story. Most of the sad parts anyway. There was a lot of good, and I have good things to look forward to. I'm making friends with some women who actually identify as Bisexual. Hopefully I will get to meet up with one soon and chat face to face.
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