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-   -   Anyone here not have a monogamous partner? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3060)

wiredpsyche 06-23-2010 03:45 PM

Anyone here not have a monogamous partner?
 
I see a lot of posts asking for advice on how to proceed when their partner is monogamous, I'm wondering if there's anyone here who is poly in all their relationships and with all poly people and has been that way from the beginning?

I figure at one point we've all been in monogamous relationships, but I'd really like to hear from people who have started as a single poly.

A lot of my issues came from just meeting people in the usual fashion, letting them know my feelings, some were okay with it at that point but as soon as we got serious it would always turn to how they couldn't deal with it if I wasn't mono. I'm really not looking for a repeat of that but I don't know how to avoid it outside of joining poly dating sites and trying to get into the local poly club and even then that puts me at a loss as I've never met any of my exes at a bar or through a dating site, it has always been during the course of a normal activity (or as normal as they get, I swear I've picked up about as many boyfriends through playing D&D or Mage as I have with other interests).

AutumnalTone 06-23-2010 06:08 PM

There are plenty of us who were poly when entering our current relationships. My wife was involved with a couple prior to meeting me. I'd had some mono an some open relationships prior to meeting her.

I don't think there's any guaranteed way to avoid the "poly repulsion" reaction. I just view it as part of the regular screening process. If a person can't even consider being involved in a poly tangle--while only having one partner in it and thus staying monogamous--then that person really isn't compatible at all and not worth considering further.

I have no problems with folks who only want a single relationship to deal with themselves and think they could have a place in a poly tangle. It's when they expect a partner to also only have a single relationship that they remove themselves from poly-compatible. I don't consider anybody who's not poly-compatible or outright poly to be a potential partner, much the same as I don't consider lesbians to be potential partners. They might be wonderful, attractive people--they just aren't for me and I don't lose sleep over it.

Although my first wife played D&D all those years ago, I can't say that I've ever met a single dating partner via gaming. Even freelancing in the industry never landed me a date.

rpcrazy 06-23-2010 06:18 PM

the only relationship I started where we were both poly failed because she had asperger's syndrom and her full on dissociative disorder just killed me. I'm way too emotional for that.

I know 2 couples that are together that started out poly. The reason people set up forums like this though is because we're a minority, hence all the problems. Seems as though, unless you're in some sort of pagan or alternative circle, you're not really going to find super open awesome people :/ ...Unless you live in canada ;P

Ariakas 06-23-2010 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rpcrazy (Post 33489)
...Unless you live in canada ;P

Its a myth we are perpetuating on this site....:)

Pagans, roleplayers/comic fans, canadians or horny people...:D...

Ariakas 06-23-2010 06:34 PM

To answer the question. I have not always been poly. I have always been open. With rules in place. For almost 11 years with my wife (gf for 9 of those)...we had an open relationship from the start. What can I say we both liked women.

Poly is new and we have both been poly for equal amounts of time. We both realized we loved the same girl. We have broken down some of our rules and are on slight divergent paths with similar end goals.

I do find people generally open to open relationships, but almost be fearful of poly. Its almost akin to cheating. If a girl thinks I am hiding something and cheating, I can find pickups easily. The minute they know my wife exists and knows...its not as exciting.

I am so far out of the gaming world I don't have ins. I used to pickup at d&d conventions when I was mono. I was a DM and didn't take shit from the players. Girls liked that. Haven't tried as a poly and honestly, I am not the same person I was. In my head that was part of my younger years, and better left there.

OKC has been a flop, fetlife has introduced me to lots of kinky people, but in those cases, I haven't been interested...

wiredpsyche 06-23-2010 06:44 PM

I guess that's what my problem is - I'm finding the type of person who is telling me that they could be poly or at least poly-compatible and then turning around as things get truly serious and rescinding that. I feel it is really unfair to me for them to change their minds and I don't know how to cope with it since all times that the mono-only thing has been declared by a partner of mine, I'm already in a relationship with them and have been for some time. It kills me to just break it off when they announce they can't be poly-compatible, especially since often by that time I've gotten quite attached.

I guess what I really need to know, is what specific questions should I be asking to make sure they really mean it when they say they can be poly-compatible? Outside of determining if they've had experience being poly before, how can I tell if someone is seriously interested in being poly or poly-compatible?

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 33487)
I have no problems with folks who only want a single relationship to deal with themselves and think they could have a place in a poly tangle. It's when they expect a partner to also only have a single relationship that they remove themselves from poly-compatible. I don't consider anybody who's not poly-compatible or outright poly to be a potential partner, much the same as I don't consider lesbians to be potential partners. They might be wonderful, attractive people--they just aren't for me and I don't lose sleep over it.


Ariakas 06-23-2010 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wiredpsyche (Post 33493)
I guess that's what my problem is - I'm finding the type of person who is telling me that they could be poly or at least poly-compatible and then turning around as things get truly serious and rescinding that. I feel it is really unfair to me for them to change their minds and I don't know how to cope with it since all times that the mono-only thing has been declared by a partner of mine, I'm already in a relationship with them and have been for some time. It kills me to just break it off when they announce they can't be poly-compatible, especially since often by that time I've gotten quite attached.

I wonder if they are polycurious. Kind of like the abundance of bi-sexual girls who are actually just curious. People think "ya poly sounds cool, threesomes etc"...and then reality hits, they think they have your love as a singular awesomeness and then decide they are monogamous expecting you to follow :)

Quote:

I guess what I really need to know, is what specific questions should I be asking to make sure they really mean it when they say they can be poly-compatible? Outside of determining if they've had experience being poly before, how can I tell if someone is seriously interested in being poly or poly-compatible?
Instinct and experience. Maybe take the relationships slower so you can really sus out the reality of their expectations...Also and I hate to say it...someone in the poly world has to keep getting monogamous people, how else is poly a seemingly growing community?

and really I can't believe I just wrote that, I am a jump head first kind of guy haha...apparently I have been learning something new lately.

wiredpsyche 06-23-2010 06:54 PM

LOL! I've been thinking of rejoining the SCA in hopes of finding more poly people...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 33490)
Its a myth we are perpetuating on this site....:)

Pagans, roleplayers/comic fans, canadians or horny people...:D...


wiredpsyche 06-23-2010 06:56 PM

I think a lot of that is fear of commitment. Someone who is cheating isn't going to try to get you to commit to them.

I have some fear of commitment right now since I've been burned so many times with the "NM, I'm not poly-compatible" thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 33492)
I do find people generally open to open relationships, but almost be fearful of poly. Its almost akin to cheating. If a girl thinks I am hiding something and cheating, I can find pickups easily. The minute they know my wife exists and knows...its not as exciting.


Ariakas 06-23-2010 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wiredpsyche (Post 33496)
LOL! I've been thinking of rejoining the SCA in hopes of finding more poly people...

Well maybe you will find a poly pagan roleplaying canadian living in your area :D


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