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-   -   I came out to my mom today (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30530)

Talulabelle 10-20-2012 12:46 AM

I came out to my mom today
And it did not go well at all.

We have yet to find a girlfriend, but I wanted to get it out of the way because she lives with us. So eventually she would see things (she's already seen us cuddling with our friend).

She says she's disgusted by the thought of it, that she doesn't understand it. I told her that there's nothing wrong at all with being poly, and she said that there is.

I also brought up the fact that her best friend is in a lesbian relationship, and her response was "Yes, but it's one on one." So I think she's more thrown by the poly thing than the bi thing.

Still, it's pretty hurtful that she feels this way. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done. She thinks I'm doing it because I'm "too insecure" and that it's all my husband's idea.

Ideally, we need to get our own house. But financially that's still at least several months out.

redpepper 10-20-2012 02:42 AM

Oh man, I remember our coming out. Sucked... :( I feel for you.

Phy 10-20-2012 05:24 AM

Give her some time to dwell on this. My mother reacted nearly the same (even the lesbian argument was there in our discussion :rolleyes:). The only difference was that she was thinking it was my idea and I would suppress my husband to agree with me and my ideas.

This is a shock for her. She will be able to talk about it when she has made up her mind. Give her the time she needs even if it hurts for now.

Chin up! Sometimes it's the hardest when family is involved. Don't make rash decisions in the spur of the moment and wait for everyone to cool down to talk about it again.

SchrodingersCat 10-20-2012 06:45 AM

Diddo. My mom started by saying she thought it was gross and wrong. I wasn't seeing anyone else at the time, but I wanted her to know who I am. We're close and she's always been supportive, so I knew she wouldn't disown me or anything. The first time I told her, she also said she didn't want to hear about it and never to tell her if something happened.

Well, I ignored her request on both counts. I mentioned it again, probably about a year later. This time, she said she wasn't comfortable with it and she could never do it.

The third time, I didn't so much tell her I was poly, as I just kept using the phrase "my girlfriend." I'm not one of those women who calls my friends "girlfriends" the way my mom always used to. After telling her about my girlfriend, she finally asked "you mean girlfriend like... your lover?" I confirmed. At that point, her biggest concern was, what does your husband think about that? I told her he's fine with it, he does it too (I didn't go into details about how I'm polyamorous and he's polysexual, it didn't seem necessary). She processed that for a bit and then decided that as long as my husband was okay with it, then she saw no reason to object. Then she went on about how much she could never do that and how jealous she gets and blah blah blah.

Last time she was in town, she met my girlfriend, knowing she was my girlfriend. It went really well.

Mind you, it helps that she lives in another city and had time to process all of this without having to confront it right in front of her face.

Sorry, that was a long way to say... Don't give up, it could still work out.

SchrodingersCat 10-20-2012 06:50 AM

Also, sometimes (not always) it helps to have an actual person in the picture.

Like, if you meet someone, and you bring her home and let your mom get to know her as friends... then when you mention that this person is more than friends, it's possible she'll think of her as the person and not just some nameless, faceless marriage wrecker.

Besides, it's often best when relationships start more friendly than lusty. So the whole "bringing her over as a friend" doesn't have to be a sham or degrading to your girlfriend.

I would never want to date someone who is completely in the closet. I don't like feeling like a dirty little secret. But I totally understand how it's different with family, and how that can really mess up the rest of your life if they give you a hard time. So while I want to be able to hold hands when we go out for a date, I don't get offended when I'm introduced as a "friend" to my partners' families. But if they introduce me as a "friend" to their best friend, I might be a little more wary.

lovinhimloviner 10-23-2012 03:57 AM

My kids outed us. The kids were saying something about my husbands gf and she asked who that was. They told her it was daddy's gf that mommy knew about. My family took it way better than his gf parents did. Her mom told her she was going to break up our family and hurt the kids.

We are now all living apart and I have got a lawyer and getting divorce papers drawn up. The kids are constantly worried one of us will be mad if they decide to stay with the other parent.

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