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-   -   my partner of two years want an open relationship. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30523)

begonias 10-19-2012 08:44 PM

my partner of two years want an open relationship.
Recently my partner of two years expressed to me that he wants to have an open relationship. When we first started dating he made it clear that he wasn't into promiscuous sex. He says that he wants to spend his life with me and sleeping with someone else would not make him love me any less. I am super uncomfortable with the situation because he is the only person i want to be with. The problem is that he is scared to "have one vagina the rest of his life".
i in no way want to be in an open relationship because where he thinks we can learn from other people and use it on each other, i would be jealous and uncomfortable with him sleeping around. i do not feel that it would help at all only that it would destroy our relationship. He tells me that he won't do anything because we are not both comfortable with it yet but wants to push it on me to read books and be more open minded.
I get that there is billions of people on earth many of whom are attractive but i don't have the urge to sleep with them, and if i did meet someone i really connected with that doesn't mean it has to be sexual like he's been talking about. I fear that it would lead to the end of us but i don't know if i can true him to be faithful now. I feel as though he would cheat and not tell me because he doesn't want to lose me but he still wants to be with other women. I am really confused and hurt and feel that maybe I'm just not enough anymore.
He brings up that its not natural to stay with one person for life (we've been with other people its not like he hasn't ever been with anyone else) and i know its nature to be attracted to other people but that doesn't mean you have to act on it in a sexual manner. Talk to girls dance with them hangout and be friends thats fine just don't fuck them is all i ask and he seems to think it would be ok.
Basically if he is going to be with me for years he wants to be able to see other women and talk about it but i am just not open to this at all and he keeps pushing it. I love hime so much and don't feel i would love him the same if we did this, i don't even think of the same since talking about.
I don't know what to do, if we stay together i don't know if i'll be able to trust him anymore. what if he does it and just doesn't tell me. i would never be able to kiss him and love him knowing that he's sleeping with someone else.
Do I try and make it work being monogamous and not trust him, or end it now before i just get hurt? I am so confused.

GalaGirl 10-19-2012 09:00 PM


I am more worried about his pushy than his wanting to be open to loving others. What's that all about? It is not respectful at all! :mad:

If you do not want to be open, and want to have a sexually exclusive relationship? That is your LIMIT and it is your right to want your relationship shape to come in the shape you like it best.

Examine your limits. Are these soft limits (might change over time) or hard limits for you (never will change?)


He tells me that he won't do anything because we are not both comfortable with it yet but wants to push it on me to read books and be more open minded.
What is his motivation there? Open minded? Or Open relationship with other lovers? That is two different things.

Are you willing to be open to reading books and things? Being open minded to sharing in his poly inner life to listen to his talking and share in reading the things he likes to read? (It doesn't NOT have to mean you go off to having other lovers. It is allowing him SOME poly expression that you find ok to participate in and safe enough for you.) Is opening up just that far something you are willing to do? (And if you are not, that is totally ok to have that as a personal LIMIT also.) Would that satisfy his need or not? If he's not willing to keep it there, then you are best apart then since you are monoamorous AND want a monogamous relationship.

Is he trying to get you to read things to push this on you and pressure you into saying "Yes" because he's worn or eroded you down? If that is his goal then that is not kind to do! It is more respectful to accept you both want different things in life and split amicably than to be haranguing/abusing your partner to get your own way. That's bratty. :mad:

So which is it over there? What is his need and his intention there? To share his poly THOUGHTS with you or wanting to share his poly BODY with you and Another? He can offer that but it doesn't mean you want it. Where's his limit lie?

And the way he talks is just... ew. Just not respectful. You are a vagina? He's all pushing this on you even if you say "no, thanks?" What is he? A bully?

Do I try and make it work being monogamous and not trust him, or end it now before i just get hurt?
Never stay in any relationship where you do not trust. That is not emotionally safe for you. You are responsible for tending to your healths -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health.


snowmelt 10-19-2012 09:45 PM


Originally Posted by begonias (Post 160305)
The problem is that he is scared to "have one vagina the rest of his life".


Originally Posted by begonias (Post 160305)
wants to push it on me to read books and be more open minded.

He is afraid, so he wants you to do something you don't want to do to relieve his fear? Do you see what I'm pointing out here? Someone who is afraid of not doing something, wants you to be open minded so his fear can be relieved.

This is not about multiple loves. This is not about love at all. This is not a foundation for any kind of relationship, let alone multiple relationships. The only thing you can do is to tell him who you are, and who you are not. See what he does over time. Based on that, be honest with yourself as you think about whether you still want a relationship with him at all. It never works to try to be someone you are not to try to please someone else. If he wants you to be open minded to relieve his fear, he is being closed minded as he asks you to be open minded.

BoringGuy 10-19-2012 09:50 PM

Oh poor baby. "scared" of having "one vagina" the rest of his life. Is that all you are to him? "one vagina"? Is he "one penis" to you? Tell super-teen to grow the fuck up, then you'll think about "opening your mind".

SchrodingersCat 10-19-2012 10:01 PM

It sounds like this is a non-negotiable point for you. That's perfectly acceptable.

He needs to know that you are not willing to be in a non-monogamous relationship. Not now, not ever. If he wants non-monogamous relationships, he should put that down on the table before allowing someone to fall in love with him inside of a monogamous relationship.

Without knowing him personally, I can't say whether or not you should trust him. Does he have a habit of saying one thing and doing another? Has he done anything yet to break your trust? Do you know if he's cheated on women before?

One thing to note, his desire to sleep with other women is not going away, any more than your desire to be monogamous is going away. If he's adamant that he needs non-monogamy to be happy, then I don't see it working out.

Kella 10-19-2012 10:50 PM


Originally Posted by begonias
He tells me that he won't do anything because we are not both comfortable with it yet but wants to push it on me to read books and be more open minded.

Keep in mind that there's a difference (though maybe not an easily apparent difference when people aren't accustomed to communicating/expressing these things) between pushing books and ideas on someone to change them and asking to have your point of view validated/respected even if it won't be acted on.

I am probably best described as poly-leaning or poly-curious since I have no practical experience but believe myself to be poly; my husband is firmly monogamous and doesn't want to hear about it. I love him and respect his wish for us to live monogamously, but one of the biggest hurts in my life is that he refuses to talk, read, or learn about polyamory at all. I don't ask him in order to push it on him; I just want to feel validated in my feelings, to have a right to those feelings, even as I accept that living with my husband means living monogamously. All I want to hear is "it's okay that you feel that way, you're not a freak", and it's painful to me that he can't give me even that.

I don't know your situation, begonias, so I can't tell if your partner is pushing you to try to make you accept a poly lifestyle (very wrong!) or if he just needs you to be able to recognize and validate genuine feelings he has (a reasonable need, in my opinion) and is asking for that in an extraordinarily clumsy way.

Just something to think about.

Anneintherain 10-20-2012 02:07 AM


Originally Posted by begonias (Post 160305)
The problem is that he is scared to "have one vagina the rest of his life".

Is that your interpretation of his motivations or what he actually said? Or one of 12 reasons he gave for wanting to open the relationship?


Originally Posted by begonias (Post 160305)
i would be jealous and uncomfortable with him sleeping around.

Two years ago he said he wasn't into promiscuous sex. So there is not a reason to think his goal is to be "sleeping around" is there? If it isn't, its more likely he might bond with another person/s closely, and I am guessing that would be just as hard on you as having random hookups from what you are saying.


Originally Posted by begonias (Post 160305)
Do I try and make it work being monogamous and not trust him, or end it now before i just get hurt? I am so confused.

If you are willing to read and learn more and talk to him more about what and why he wants to do this (assuming it is more than just wanting multiple...vaginas) I would encourage that, but it sounds like you just have no interest at all. If you have a niggling doubt that it would be worth the pain and challenges you will face if you stay in the relationship, I would read about mono-poly relationships.

Is he being pushy to make you be OK with him being poly, or to figure out what you thinks so you can give him a firm yes or no so movement can happen in one direction or the other? If he wants a firm yes or no TODAY so he can go date NOW, I would end things TODAY. If he wants a firm yes or no so you can start the process of slowly talking about boundaries and what to expect, then you have some stuff to figure out.

It sucks that he wants to change the rules of the game on you, though admirable if he's actually come to you before acting (which isn't nearly common enough). However it sounds like you are a firm no, so if that is how you feel, I would be clear on that and allow the relationship to end. Now that the cat is out of the bag, even if he agrees to stay monogamous I imagine the subject will eat at both of you until the relationship crumbles from the stress.

That's just what I'd do in your place though, because I'd rather me and my partner be happy apart than miserable together.

begonias 10-20-2012 03:05 AM

"i love you but having sex with one vagina for the rest of my life scares me" is exactly what he said. He thinks that maybe he will really connect with someone else at some point and may miss out on one of the most magical nights of his life because he has a girlfriend holding him back. also said that he wants it to be ok that he go out ad maybe meet a couple cute girls and dance with them and buy them drinks and at the end of the night maybe he wants to kiss them and that should be ok.
I am definitely not open to it now and don't think i ever will be.

begonias 10-20-2012 03:11 AM

I've been reading stuff online and it just makes me cry to think about the man I love being with someone else. It makes me nauseous to think about it. He says that sleeping with someone else would not change his love for me but I know it would change my love for him. I would not be able to ever kiss him knowing he's lick in random pussy. i am not ok with that i wouldn't be able to be intimate with him nor would I think of him the same. Even knowing this is something he wants I think differently about him. He said maybe its not something he wants right now but there is experiences he hasn't had that he still wants to have and doesn't want to miss out on those because of me holding him back yet at the same time would not want to lose me.

RunningMan 10-20-2012 03:18 AM

Sorry to say this, but I sympathize with your partner. Mostly because I am in the same position right now and wish to have a Poly relationship. The only difference is I have a DADT policy, so my partner isn't really afraid of me sleeping with other people. We also don't really have sex, last time being 3 months ago, so of course I have natural desires and impulses.

I have connected with someone in the last 3 months and we have really developed a special relationship. It is so special, that I would like to openly add it to my existing relationship. But alas it looks like it will never come to be.

I often wonder if somebody really loved me, why would they deny me true happiness?

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