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-   -   My Wife is Poly in Denial (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3048)

berserker 06-22-2010 03:17 AM

My Wife is Poly in Denial
 
My wife started having affairs behind my back 3 years ago. I know she had these patterns before I met her. When we met she assured me she was ready to settle down. The first couple of years of dating were amazing with us. We got married and the first couple of years of marriage also amazing. Eventually she started having affairs. She hid it well, I suspected something wasn't right but had blind trust.

I found out after a year by tricking her that she had an affair. Months later I uncovered 2 more previous affairs. We almost split up. She told me the problems in the marriage and I bent over backwards to accomodate her. It seemed like thing were great other than our fighting over her affairs. She had another affair.

We broke up. She started seeing her affair partner and lying about it while trying to get me back. I finally said no way I am coming back. I started a friendshuip with a woman and we didn't have sex but we were bonding and it was leading there. My wife begged me to come back. Eventually I ended my friendship. She dropped her affair partner and we got back together.


Through all of this we had both spoke to counselors but it didn't stop her. We were back together for about a year and a couple of months. We get into an argument and she kicks me out again. This was in March of this year. I suspect an affair. She later tells me there's a married guy in the neighborhood interested in her. He wouldn't leave his wife and it went nowhere. She begged me to take her back and I remained strong for a while but we started seeing each other.

Finally I get the truth from her. Which is obvious. I got her phone records. She was talking to him a week before she kicked me out. Started having sex with him 2 days later. Then decides she wants me back.


I have established the fact that my wife is Poly and can't control it or can only temporarily. No matter who it hurts me and our young kids. It's caused so much drama in our extended families and in the neghborhood she now lives in without me.

She's in counselling now and wants me back. I have a few women I am talking to online one I really like and wants to meet me asap.

I still love my wife but I can't live with her cheating, lying, replacing me and then running back to me.

I offer her this - I say monogamy doesn't work for her. I tell her we can put ads online, you can find someone you are attracted to we will meet the guy together she can do him I will watch. I am straight It will be like live porn for me. I will also get involved somewhat.

Also we will meet a couple every now and then and swing. That way I won't feel cheated or my position in my family won't be threatened if we set ground rules and do things honestly. She can live out her fantasies with me.


She says she is willing to do this but she really just wants to be monogamous. She is torn she wants to be monogamous but I know deep down inside she can't for very long. She also tells me that she would rather I just find an affair partner and not tell her instead of swapping. I know that if I did that she would be really hurt and things would be just as dramatic as when she does it.

She is objecting to doing a single guy in front of me too. She says through counselling and trying really hard that she wants to just be with me. She has fooled herself and me so many times in the past that I know this is just not possible.

I am sorry that this is so long. Can someone please help!

SchrodingersCat 06-22-2010 09:07 AM

If you want this relationship, you're both going to need to develop some communication skills. I think she also needs a poly-friendly counselor who won't just try to teach her how to be monogamous when that's not what she truly wants. If she's trying to be something she isn't, then she's setting herself up for failure. If her counselor is not poly-friendly, then he may be reinforcing the feelings of guilt she already has from what her heart tells her is right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by berserker (Post 33322)
I have established the fact that my wife is Poly and can't control it or can only temporarily. No matter who it hurts me and our young kids. It's caused so much drama in our extended families and in the neghborhood she now lives in without me.

This inability to control one's self is not an inherent characteristic of poly. It's a lack of self-control which would require conscious effort on her part to overcome. Poly people don't all just go out and have sex uncontrollably. If anything, they need to have even more self-control in order to manage multiple relationships and not get carried away by the moment.

Quote:

She's in counselling now and wants me back.
This is useful. Would it be possible for you both to have counselling together?

Quote:

I still love my wife but I can't live with her cheating, lying, replacing me and then running back to me.
Nor should you. It sounds like she sees you as a safety net while she goes out and walk the tightrope.

Quote:

I offer her this - I say monogamy doesn't work for her. I tell her we can put ads online, you can find someone you are attracted to we will meet the guy together she can do him I will watch. I am straight It will be like live porn for me. I will also get involved somewhat.
This would be a big no-no for my life. I am not a porn star to be objectified by my husband, nor are my partners. This is your fantasy, not hers. It will not satisfy her urges.

I do not know the extent and nature of her affairs, whether they were just casual sex or whether emotions were involved. But since they were talking on the phone so much, I'll assume it was for more than "meet me in the clubhouse at 3" and actually involved more emotional/romantic interaction.

Quote:

Also we will meet a couple every now and then and swing. That way I won't feel cheated or my position in my family won't be threatened if we set ground rules and do things honestly. She can live out her fantasies with me.
Those aren't her fantasies though. My impression is, her affairs are not just about sex, she's getting some kind of emotional/psychological thrill from this behaviour. It's not as simple as "she's having sex with other men, therefore sex with other men will satisfy her desires."

Quote:

She is objecting to doing a single guy in front of me too.
I suggest you drop this whole line of reasoning. She never brought up wanting to perform for you or swinging, and you're offering these as crumbs to try and satisfy something that is more than just sex, it's emotional.

Quath 06-22-2010 01:33 PM

She does not sound poly to me because poly is based on open communication with full knowledge and consent of all parties. She is not even on the swinger side of the spectrum since that involves trust as well.

It seems she gets her thrills from cheating itself. Agreeing to be non-monogamous may only be treating the symptoms. I would be more worried that she is self-destructive and does things on purpose to hurt the relationship.

I don't think allowing her to have sex in front of you will cure her desires. I think tha is you both gave each other the freedom to date, you may have a better chance. However, I don't know how you fix the honesty and trust.

Ariakas 06-22-2010 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quath (Post 33350)
She does not sound poly to me because poly is based on open communication with full knowledge and consent of all parties. She is not even on the swinger side of the spectrum since that involves trust as well.

It seems she gets her thrills from cheating itself. Agreeing to be non-monogamous may only be treating the symptoms. I would be more worried that she is self-destructive and does things on purpose to hurt the relationship.

I don't think allowing her to have sex in front of you will cure her desires. I think tha is you both gave each other the freedom to date, you may have a better chance. However, I don't know how you fix the honesty and trust.

From what I have read I have to agree. The thrill of the hunt and the cheating may well be what she wants. Not the extra lovers.

redpepper 06-22-2010 05:18 PM

Well said all of you, I agree, not poly... I see no love on either side here. No love anywhere to be found. Just a whole lot of deceit and fucking.

There was someone on this forum that had a wife in a similar situation. He agreed to once a month her going out and meeting guys she met on line and fucking them. I think she had one night a month to do that... or was it picking up at bars that tickled her fancy... can't remember. Anyway, perhaps this is what would work better for her.

It sounds like swinging might work, although I doubt it.... I would really be looking at the deep rooted cause for the answer.

I agree, putting your agenda on it isn't going to work. It just sounds like you are using her and her sexuality to get out of the situation what you want and not what is best for her. I can understand that you are hurt, but this is just getting back at her it sounds like to me.

If you ask me there is some deep rooted cause for all this that isn't being addressed. What has gone on in her life that she is doing this? She seems to be an NRE thrill seeker, or an cheating junky.... Why? these are the things that need to be addressed rather than using her to get your rocks off.

I would leave her to figure it out for herself and encourage her to work it out herself with an appropriate councilor. I think you being in her life is not helping. This is for her to figure out. It could very well be that she is monogamous as she says, but is crying out for help in over coming this entrenched behaviour she has gotten herself into.

In my opinion I would take the kids and move on for good. Maybe one day she will have a turn around and you can be together in a healthy way, but for now you have kids and yourself to think about that need some kind of proper example of what a healthy relationship is. Kids know that stuff is going down, they hear you talking and the body language you have with each other. Look after them if not yourself and create a healthy situation to bring them up.

berserker 06-22-2010 07:22 PM

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it.

Quote:

It seems she gets her thrills from cheating itself. Agreeing to be non-monogamous may only be treating the symptoms. I would be more worried that she is self-destructive and does things on purpose to hurt the relationship.
I agree to a point but she has always built up an emotional attachment with her affair partners. No one night stands. She does love being persued. She has had abuse in the past.

I guess maybe I was suggesting to use her for my gratification. I honestly thought that this might help us. I think you are right. My past relationships have been monogomaus. She has had similar patterns before me. She was faithful for our first 5 years together. We started clashing on our beliefs and she started straying.

Edward 06-22-2010 08:19 PM

"I still love my wife but I can't live with her cheating, lying, replacing me and then running back to me."

You can love someone and be unable to live with them. Your wife has an established pattern of behavior, and seems, at this time, unwilling to change. You've stated you're unwilling to live with her while she maintains that pattern. But as long as you stay with her, you're tolerating that behavior, and in some ways sanctioning it.

Her problems, whatever they may be, are ultimately her own. This isn't something YOU can fix or change; your personal experience has taught you that. It's time to break the pattern.

redpepper 06-22-2010 08:35 PM

Ah ha she's been abused. I would like to wager that she hasn't loved these men at all but is looking to be loved. The pursuit is part of that.

I think you owe her an apology about wanting to watch. You added to her trauma with that one. The woman is obviously damaged and needs help if you ask me. That doesn't mean you fix it. She does! With your support if you are able.

The first lesson in poly is to love yourself and she doesn't. She can't possibly love others without that. Each man has added to her trauma and its become an obsession to find love. No one will be enough until she loves herself first.

SchrodingersCat 06-23-2010 12:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 33400)
I think you owe her an apology about wanting to watch. You added to her trauma with that one. The woman is obviously damaged and needs help if you ask me. That doesn't mean you fix it. She does! With your support if you are able.

I think so too.

The whole point of porn is for objectifying the participants for the purpose of getting the watcher's rocks off. Telling your wife you want to make her an object in your fantasy takes away all the love in that interaction.

I believe you when you say you sincerely thought it would help, but I think you said it without realizing the implications.

How would you feel if someone said to you, "I want to use you as a sex object" ? And if she's been abused, then it becomes "I want to use you as a sex object because I think it's what you want and deserve" which perpetuates the abusive cycle.

redpepper 06-23-2010 12:27 AM

Its not so much saying that its what she *wants* and deserve, its saying that its what *she is worth* and deserves.

She doesn't feel she is worth anything or deserves to be honoured and treated with respect I don't think.

I have felt this way and exhibited similar behaviour. It took Mono loving me and telling me I was to be honoured, cherished, treated with respect and like my body is a temple. That I should treat myself as such. If you treat her this way, she hopefully will begin to see, as I did.


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