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-   -   how do you ask.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=304)

varuka 05-22-2009 07:55 PM

how do you ask..
Completely new, so new i have yet to experience but i would love to try.
Background on me: I am in a D/s relationship, married my Dom 3 years ago, but have been together for almost 8. In the last six months or so, he has mentioned adding a 3rd., another girl (shocker, i know) to top but has also toyed with watching me with another man. He is a voyeur and i am exhibitionist.

At this moment, it's all been speculation and he is unsure how he feels on the later. Recently, I have met a man who is more than willing to be volunteer his services, but also has brought out the more D side in me. This is something that I would love to explore.

It's strange, my feelings haven't changed for my husband I love him dearly and we have always had very open communication about everything. I adore serving him, however this boy has opened up a bit of pandora's box inside me and i am unsure how to proceed.

Any thoughts our advice would be very helpful...

thanks in advance,


NeonKaos 05-22-2009 09:48 PM

Not to trivialize your situation, but your use of "boy" and "Pandora's box" in the same sentence turns me on.

That is all!

openlove25 05-22-2009 10:46 PM

Talk, talk, talk
Have you discussed you desire to explore your Dom side with your husband? Was he receptive to the idea? You seem to know this already, but open, complete communication is definitely a must in these situations. As you want to be the Dom in this new relationship, you can probably be fairly hopeful that your husband will be receptive to it. If you wanted another Dom, it might be trickier. Anyway, good luck! Talk it out!

varuka 05-23-2009 12:40 AM

how do you ask *cont'd
@ yygirl - i can appreciate that, totally not intended but i can see where you are going *smiles
@openlove - Me topping him is completely out of the question. i have mentioned it to him and he was vehemently, strongly, completely out of the question opposed to the idea and i don't want another Dom. He really does satisfy my submissive nature. However, i really feel like i do need to explore my Dominant side. i am just have no idea how to start this dialogue with him about this specific person (boy)?
We have always spoke generally, hypotheticals never in terms of making it happen.

Quath 05-23-2009 03:49 AM

Let him know what you want. I heard some quote once about polyamory which I can't quite remember. But basically, it says that life favors the courageous. I think you have to be brave to ask directly what you want. The sooner you ask, the more time he has to think about it and get his feelings in align with his thoughts. (It is hard to say that he should be with another woman if he says you should not be with another man.)

openlove25 05-23-2009 04:54 AM

It's just a question.
I completely agree with Quath about being courageous, and just telling him about it. Trust me, I hid flirtations and thoughts of relationships with other girls from my gf, and it was horrible! Horrible because she found out on her own! Had I told her straight out, I learned later, she would have been fine with it. We're now at the point where I have the option to see other people, but I had to work really hard to regain her trust.

You have to decide if you want to explore your dominant side enough to tell him about it? If you do, which it sounds like, you should tell him.
Tell him you've met someone that you think you'd like to be dominant with, while your husband watches, that you think would be receptive to the idea.
If he sounds interested, or willing to consider, there ya go. That's the first step. If not, then at least you'll both know how you feel.

If you go ahead with it, and don't tell your husband (which will seem more tempting the longer you don't talk about it), you've got an affair and all the terribleness that accompanies it. If you do nothing at all you may feel unsatisfied. You need to make yourself vulnerable, and ask him a question. He can't hold a grudge, or think differently of you over a question.

varuka 05-23-2009 02:21 PM

I totally agree, I have never hid, lied about anything to him and the thought of doing behind his back makes my stomach hurt and really not sitting well with me. I have never cheated on someone and starting now just doesn't seem right. I guess my hestitation lays in my fear he will say no... What can I say, I want my cake and eat it too;)

Thank you both, for your sage words...I will have to ask nothing ventured, nothing gained.

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