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-   -   Boyfriend is dating a non-poly girl (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30374)

lizroser 10-17-2012 12:47 AM

Boyfriend is dating a non-poly girl
 
I'm still fairly new to polyamory, so I know I still have a lot to learn and work through. Something that my husband and I have recently realized is that being polyamorous does not mean that you get to do whatever you want.

A little background, before I get to my problem at hand. My boyfriend, who is about 2 hours away, is constantly finding and meeting new girls. It doesn't always lead to a romantic connection, and I know he generally just wants people to hang out with. But I never know what things are going to turn into, or if I should expect a phone call saying he just slept with someone new or if he's in love again.

My boyfriend has recently started seeing a girl in his town. She doesn't like poly, but she wants to keep seeing my boyfriend because they like each and get along really well. She doesn't want to meet me or my boyfriend's other girlfriend, and pretty much wants nothing to do with the poly side of things.

Now, I've already come to terms with the fact that I'm insecure and jealous that she gets to spend all of this time with this man that I love so dearly. I get to see him at most once a month, due to work and school. And because I am so busy and we have opposite schedules, I only get to talk to him for about 10 minutes a day, 4 days a week (in the morning when he gets off of work).

However, it also really upsets me that he is okay dating someone who wants nothing to do with me or his other girlfriend. I have been practicing compersion as often as I can, and I feel like I've been doing a better job at it. But it is so hard to practice compersion for someone who I feel is constantly surprising me with new additions, with no thought or concern about how it is going to affect my feelings. From our discussions, we want a big poly family and we want everyone to be happy with that. This girl's feelings toward poly does not fit into that whatsoever. And my boyfriend has said that it is just casual and short-term, but I'm someone who doesn't believe in or understand people labeling a relationship short-term, because that label in and of itself leads to a desire for more.

I just really don't know what to do or how to react. I would really appreciate some sort of advice.

BoringGuy 10-17-2012 01:04 AM

It sounds like you've done everything you're "supposed" to do.

Now comes the waiting to see how it all plays out.

You have to trust your boyfriend to handle his um, affairs like an adult.

Whenever there is a problem, speak up. Make sure you've identified the problem and are not focusing on "symptoms" such as jealousy.

Having said all that, it is possible that your "gut" feeling is telling you that this new lady is a cowgirl, and wants your boyfriend to dump his other relationships so she can have him for herself. If he is "really poly", then it won't work out for them long-term even if she gets what she wants. If he decided that she is so wonderful that he wants to be with her forever and is willing to make the sacrifice of discontinuing the practice of non-monogamy, then you can't really control that or put a stop to it, no matter what you do.

Marcus 10-17-2012 01:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizroser (Post 159798)
Something that my husband and I have recently realized is that being polyamorous does not mean that you get to do whatever you want.

What is it you want to do which you are not allowed to?

Quote:

Originally Posted by lizroser (Post 159798)
I have been practicing compersion as often as I can, and I feel like I've been doing a better job at it. But it is so hard to practice compersion for someone who I feel is constantly surprising me with new additions, with no thought or concern about how it is going to affect my feelings.

What actions are you expecting he should take? He sounds like he is living his life to the fullest and you are struggling to be ok with it. What gestures would he need to make to help you feel more secure in your relationship?

Marcus 10-17-2012 01:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 159800)
If he decided that she is so wonderful that he wants to be with her forever and is willing to make the sacrifice of discontinuing the practice of non-monogamy, then you can't really control that or put a stop to it, no matter what you do.

Absolutely, nor should you!

I want my partners to be happy, if that happens to mean that they don't want to see me anymore then so be it. Granted, I'll be sad for a period of time but I should still take the time to rejoice that someone I love is moving on to something that brings them joy.

JaneQSmythe 10-17-2012 01:41 AM

I agree with Marcus and BG - you have done everything that you are "supposed" to do. If HE decides to fall for a mono-girl...HIS choice. If HE decides to end his other relationships to pursue a monoship with her...HIS choice. These are not things that you can control.

YOU get to decide if being with someone who is -
Quote:

constantly finding and meeting new girls
where you
Quote:

...never know what things are going to turn into, or if I should expect a phone call saying he just slept with someone new or if he's in love again.
is the right relationship for you.

I don't know that it is a requirement that she want to have "anything to do" with you or his other girlfriend. That is something that SHE gets to decide.

If you are convinced that he has been absolutely upfront about your existence (which would be an absolute requirement of mine - for me this would require at least one confirmation phone-call or e-mail) then I would say that it is out of your hands. She can contact you if she needs to. You can request that he not talk about her during your limited time together/ short phone calls - that is between the two of you.

If she wants to keep her relationship with him separate, and he agrees to that - then my suggestion would be to focus on YOUR relationship with HIM and only inquire about HIS relationship with HER as it affects you DIRECTLY (i.e. scheduling of your monthly get-togethers, 4x/week phone calls, safer sex issues, etc.)

JaneQ

nycindie 10-18-2012 12:58 AM

Stop focusing on this other gf. Just manage your relationship with him; you can't control or manage anyone else. She has a right to live her life and express herself in relationships as she sees fit, as does your bf, and if your bf likes her, wants to be with her, and thinks it will work between them, why should you want it any different? It is still possible to have a big poly tribe if one or several of you have outside relationships with solo people who aren't into the communal thing. Relax and focus on finding satisfaction in your relationships, and strive not to indulge in the need to be in control.


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