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-   -   What to do? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30367)

Confuzled 10-16-2012 10:36 PM

What to do?
 
I have spent the last 15 min trying to decide if I even want to join this community or not. Obviously I have chosen to do so, but I'm still unsure as to how I need (for me) to go about putting out there what I need to share... I am generally very uncomfortable with posting on blog sites, not sure why, I just am. And I tend to be a fairly private person... but, sometimes you need to do whatever must be done, and use whatever avenues are out there... sooo...

I was in a poly relationship whit a woman that I dearly love. She has her partner and I was pursuing someone as well. It all kind of went into the crapper when various things started to happen... mostly my fault. I have never really been in a poly relationship before and I don't think that I really understood all of the rules and complications involved, to be honest I still don't. However I did A LOT of stupid things that led up to the worst... I LIED about what had been done, right up to the point where I was busted two days later. Now, rightly so, she can't trust me. I want to fix this and re-gain her trust, but seem unable to. I've tried everything I know how, but nothing seems to work. And I never learned the "skill" of "butt kissing." I have never been able to do it, at all, for any reason. She (sadly) has broken up with me. But I want her back, in whatever way I can get her. I do love her and I am seeking professional help to get things fixed in my head, but I am at a loss for what to do next... Is there anything that can be done? Can I fix this? And how do I do it?

Please I am asking for any help that any of you are willing to give. I just don't know what to do. I feel like i'm losing my mind...

GalaGirl 10-17-2012 12:29 AM

Welcome. I am sorry you are hurting. From the story my first impression is -- "More education then." Could start here.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf

And other places:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/do...documents.html
http://openingup.net/resources/free-...om-opening-up/
http://www.morethantwo.com/
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm

If you are after ethical, honest polyamory then you could learn to get comfortable with hard truthing. Speaking it, and hearing it. So maybe work on communication skills? Because if you can articulate your wants, needs, and limits clearly from the get go, there is less conflict later because people know what you are after. How are you listening skills? So you can hear their wants, needs and limits well?

Of course life is life. Nobody and nothing is perfect. ;) So thinking about your conflict resolution skills doesn't hurt either for the times when kerfuffles happen. It's not about a relationship avoiding all conflict ever. It's about HOW you navigate it as a team and pull through together.

I know that's all general advice.

Quote:

But I want her back, in whatever way I can get her. I do love her and I am seeking professional help to get things fixed in my head, but I am at a loss for what to do next... Is there anything that can be done? Can I fix this? And how do I do it?
I really don't know if you can repair broken trust there. She's the only one what can answer the "Is she willing to work on it with you still or not?"

I hope you have made apology at least, even if she does not desire risking giving you a "make amends" opportunity. I hope she can forgive you so she doesn't carry bitterness around. But those are all separate components. It's not like when you say you "I am sorry" you are guaranteed "automatic forgiveness" and "automatic second chances." That's for the person who was trespassed upon to decide to grant -- depending on if they are still willing to go there or no longer willing to go there with you.

I'm glad you are going to counseling and trying to work on yourself to become a better you. That's always a good thing -- and something you can be proud of regardless of how this one particular relationship turns out.

So take a deep breath, and keep on keepin' on. You can do it!

best wishes,
GalaGirl

Anneintherain 10-17-2012 07:10 AM

Have you read Opening Up? Whether your girlfriend wants to get back together with you or not, it's a very important read for anybody new to poly (in my opinion).

I don't know why you lied, have you figured all of that out for yourself? Maybe you weren't clear on the rules, reading that book will help you figure out HOW people are supposed to figure out the rules for their own relationships. If truly she gave you no suggestion that honesty was vital to your relationship continuing (or never really got around to giving you clear guidelines for what poly means to her and what she expected out of your relationship), at least reading this book gives you a segue to open up dialogue with her again - you did not know just what the expectations were, after you read more you realized just how and why what you did was so crucial to your relationship not being able to continue, and you understand better and hope she will be willing to talk to you about it. (And no, if you think you were right at all to keep things hidden, just bow out gracefully would you?)


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