*insert generic newbie post title here*
 

Hi!

Right, so I have three partners. One is an asexual genderless person, one is a heterosexual trans woman and one is a bisexual cis woman. I myself am a heterosexual trans man. We all have our ups and downs and our problems (not least that only one of us doesn't have a diagnosis of depression or anxiety). But we get through life alright.

My mother has recently demanded an explanation of why and how it is that I love three people. Any ideas on how I attempt that conversation, given that the first time I mentioned that I had more than one partner she told me that I'd ruin the life of myself and everyone I dated just by being open to more than one concurrent partnership?

Welcome aboard.

Were it me, I wouldn't explain anything to her unless she asked nicely. I just don't tolerate demands well.

As for how to explain it, well, it's just that you find yourself loving multiple people as a natural extension of who you are. Those other people whose lives you're supposedly ruining know all about and make their own choices, so your mother can rest assured they're choosing their doom. ;)

more info
 

Thanks AutumnalTone. Quite a few people in real life have told me that I don't need to justify my choices to anyone, especially not anyone who isn't directly affected by those choices.

I realise that my post from last night is sparse in potentially important information. so:

• I'm 20, at University and I live away from home with H.
• I'm the hinge in our poly situation. I have three partners, all of whom are open to or looking for another partner.
• I'm engaged to my first partner H, who has always been fine with me being poly and is currently looking for another boyfriend.
• My first girlfriend C and I have been together over a year now but I've been keeping quiet about her since my mum got so upset when I told her I had a girlfriend as well as a fiance, nearly a year ago.
• The reason the topic has been brought up again is my girlfriend E. After about 6 months of being E's boyfriend, I found I could no longer imagine a life without her. For this reason, I asked her if I could tell my family about us (she's already told her dad) and she said I could as soon as I was ready. So I did. My mum appeared to take it well, she said she'd already guessed that we were together. She didn't tell me that I was ruining E's life this time.
• I recently recieved letters from my family demanding an explanation of my relationships and my transition, calling me selfish and insensitive for never explaining.
• I have always considered myself more or less banned from talking about lovers other than H at home.
• Both H and E have recently been diagnosed with depression. My Mum made a joke to the effect that this was somehow my fault.
  
  That's a lot of background info. I think my mum thinks I'm too young to decide to live as we do yet she doesn't think I'm too young to be engaged.
  
  My mum has also told me that if I think I can love more than one person, I don't know what love is.

Oof. I think your family should repeat kindergarten to learn how to play nicely with other people!

You're selfish because you don't provide a play-by-play on your relationships to people who aren't involved in them? Not bloody likely. Them learning the ins and outs of your emotional landscape is a privilege, not a right. You certainly have no obligation to explain anything to them you don't wish to.

Same goes for your transition. They can only reasonably expect to know what you choose to share with them. You have no obligation to offer up anything other than what you choose to offer.

Your mother's assertion that you don't know what love is if you can love more than one person is so much nonsense. I'd reply by pointing out that she doesn't know what love is if she can only love one person. Then I'd ask if she loved my sister, my brother, or me--or which one of the grandkids--seeing as how, ya know, she can only love one person at a time.

I, however, have never been one to shy away from playing hardball with my family when somebody's not playing nice. Not everybody is as willing to simply walk away from poor treatment by family as I am, so I expect my notions here to be subject to radical personal interpretation, should you think to put any to use.

Beyond that, it sounds like you've found some wonderful partners. If you've managed to build a functioning tangle of relationships at a young age, then I'd say you're likely fully capable of determining where to live without having Mom look over your shoulder. You may have to go without Mom's approval, of course.

I'm not sensing a lot of support.

Selfish and insensitive for never explaining... well, did they ever ASK in a way that made you feel comfortable sharing? Or did they only glare at you with judgmental eyes that made you feel you were some kind of freak for not becoming who they thought you should be according to their white picket fence paradigm??

I agree with AT about their demands. Terrorists give demands. They have no right to demand anything from you.

Personally, rather than explaining anything to them right now, I would focus on the way their behavior is making you feel that you have to justify who you are as a person.

Tell them all you want is their love and support, and you need those to feel comfortable sharing your lifestyle with them, and demanding explanations does not make you feel loved and supported.

I just don't like the feeling of entitlement I'm getting from your family, that everything is their business and they have supreme judgement rights over your life.

Perhaps finding a good LGBT group might also give you some support and ways to explain those aspects of your lifestyle, which have different issues than just the poly.

:D...thanks, but I haven't posted yet (I actually thought I had, but must have not click submit...) AT is the one who mentioned demands :)

Welcome to the forum, the advice is sound, no need for me to expand on it :D...Enjoy the journey :)

I emailed my mum..
 

Thanks for all the help guys <3 I really appreciate it.

I've been having a few phone conversations recently in which I made it clear that I would explain in my own way, in my own time. Since I've calmed down considerably, today I felt calm and level-headed enough to reply. So I wrote an email today and sent it.

I worked together with my partners and some poly friends to write something that purports to be an explanation - but actually gives very little information beyond "We're happy and we know what we're doing".

I haven't gone into the actual form of my relationships (other than to say that H has an eye on a cute boy :P ), the history of my relationships, the boundaries of my relationships, anything to do with sex or sexual health or anything else I don't want my mother to know (like the sexual orientations of my partners for example).

This is what we wrote:

This goes into absolutely no detail as to how each of my relationships works as that is information only pertinent to myself and my partners. My Mum doesn't need to know how often I see my girlfriends and I won't necessarily feel the need to tell her if H ever does get that boy they're after :P

I'd tell her that that's a silly notion, and then giggle.:D