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-   -   A Difficult Situation (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30340)

Eerina 10-16-2012 08:19 AM

A Difficult Situation
 
Hello there folks!
I'm kinda in a rough spot right now and I am not sure what to do.
I'll start from the beginning and I apologize for the length (and my poor grammar).

Everyone, including myself are in there mid 20's currently.

December of 2011, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. It was a hard breakup because he was cheating on me and I was very naive. Around the same time, my ex's friend had just had a really bad break up as well. I went over to his house the day after I broke up because he was having a rough time with his break up. We ended up talking things out and calming each other down from being very emotional.
January this year, I had just started to set my eyes on another guy that I was working a convention with but my ex's friend and I decided to go into a "fallback" relationship. We were there like a real relationship and supporting each other but we made a promise that if we saw that either one of us were doing better that our jobs were done.
June looked better for the both of us. Our promise was fulfilled and it was time to look for bigger fish in the sea. I still had my eyes on a friend from the convention I worked at. He was reconnecting with an old roommate.
July; Now being single for a while and he was together with an old roommate. It got me to think.

I'm still single and hoping for the guy from the conventions. (We work multiple conventions a year.) Hes together with his girlfriend.

The only problem is that... i'm still in love with him. I also like this other guy and dont want to just give up on him.

Hes in an open relationship because we do see each other occasionally but I dont know that his girlfriend knows. I dont want to mess up his relationship.

This is all one big mess in my head right now and I just need some direction. Should I talk to him about having an open poly relationship? (I know that poly relationships dont have to have all sides to like each other or connect.)

Anything will be a big help, Thank you!

Emm 10-16-2012 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eerina (Post 159674)
Hes in an open relationship because we do see each other occasionally but I dont know that his girlfriend knows.

Nitpick: If is girlfriend doesn't know he's seeing you then he's not in an open relationship, he's cheating on her.

From your description I can't tell who's doing what with whom. You refer to at least three people as "he" or "him". Perhaps you could clarify?

BoringGuy 10-16-2012 11:44 AM

It isn't cheating if they have a DADT agreement.

Emm 10-16-2012 12:00 PM

My reading of it was that the relationship is open because he's seeing Eerina, rather than that he's seeing Eerina because the relationship is open. Given that I can't work out which "he" he is it's quite possibly a misunderstanding on my part.

GalaGirl 10-16-2012 04:07 PM

I have a hard time following when the cast of characters have no names. I also have a hard time when the topic sentences are not clumped together. :confused:

So I have to cut and paste a bit to try to get the problem sentences listed together into "problem clumps" and not "mix and match" sentences all over. Too many "he's" and I don't know which he is him!

(I apologize for taking the liberty and if I chop wrong...please correct if I guess wrong)

Here's the crux as I see it:

Quote:


I am single right now.

Problem 1: I am hoping to develop a relationship with Convention Guy. He has a GF. Convention Guy (says he is in?) an open relationship and we do see each other occasionally. I don't know that his girlfriend knows. I don't want to mess up his relationship. So I need to get the verify by _____ (Phone call? Email?)___ from the GF. So I know I'm not with a cheater.

Problem 2: I am still in love with Fallback Man. I don't want to just give up on Fallback Man even though he's moved on to new partner.
This is all one big mess in my head right now and I just need some direction. Should I talk to FallbacK Man about having an open poly relationship even though we are no longer together and he's with new person now? (I know that poly relationships dont have to have all sides to like each other or connect.)
Um. If that is where this is all at? FOCUS ON WHAT YOU WANT.

I want to be with a non-Cheater. I'd not make any more new dates with Convention Man until I got a verify I felt ok with from the GF.

I want to be with Fallback Man in polyship. Well, the old mission is over since July. Fallback Man has a new partner. I still have feelings for fallback man. Is my need to know more than his need for peace in his new 3 mos old relationship? Hard one. Hmmm...

If he's not otherwise having a crisis time (death in family, bad rship probs that make him emotionally fragile?) I could just ask. I am not asking him to cheat with me. I am asking him for information.

I cannot mind reader. At this crossroads?

a) I could choose without full info:
  • give it up because I do not know what he wants and I cannot make something from nothing.
b) I could choose from a place of having full information. I could choose to
  • pursue because he's up for it
  • give it up because he is not

Me? So long as he isn't emotionally fragile? (You don't fuck with fragile.)

I like knowing full info. I would ask Fallback Man if he is up for a polyshipping with me or not. Then let him choose his answer and be ready to hear it. I would hope (secretly) for a "yes! He wants to polyship with me!" But would respect it if he does not.

But circumstances over there may suggest not taking it there. Only you know the emotional climate over there and what is the most respectful move. Is he emotionally fragile at this time?

HTH!
GalaGirl

ETA: Updated with new info from post #6 to reflect that Fallback Man has a new partner now.

Eerina 10-16-2012 04:34 PM

Thanks for the replys, it was late when I wrote this last night so I will clarify with the ol' "Boy #1" and "Boy #2".


December of 2011, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. It was a hard breakup because he was cheating on me and I was very naive. Around the same time, my ex's friend had just had a really bad break up as well. I went over to boy #1's house the day after I broke up because he was having a rough time with his break up. We ended up talking things out and calming each other down from being very emotional.
January this year, I had just started to set my eyes on another guy (boy #2) that I was working a convention with but boy #1 and I decided to go into a "fallback" relationship. We were there like a real relationship and supporting each other but we made a promise that if we saw that either one of us were doing better that our jobs were done.
June looked better for the both of us (boy #1 and I). Our promise was fulfilled and it was time to look for bigger fish in the sea. I still had my eyes on boy #2. Boy #1 was reconnecting with an old roommate.
July; Now being single for a while and boy #1 was together with an old roommate. It got me to think.

I'm still single and hoping for boy #2. (We work multiple conventions a year.) Boy #1 together with his girlfriend.

The only problem is that... i'm still in love with boy #1. I also like boy#2 and dont want to just give up on him.

Boy #1 in an open relationship because we do see each other occasionally but I dont know that his girlfriend knows. I dont want to mess up his relationship.


Hopefully that clears a lot up, as I reread this and facepalmed.

GalaGirl 10-16-2012 05:02 PM

Ok. I updated my answer in #5 then.

HTH!
GG

Eerina 10-16-2012 05:09 PM

Boy #1/Fallback guy is not fragile at all. Hes very much put together. I talk to him everyday and his gf is very nice and outgoing.
Boy #2= We barley talk as of late but we we do its for hours about our common interests.

GalaGirl 10-16-2012 05:50 PM

Still up to you to choose your next choice:
  • Could ask Boy 1 how he feels about polyshipping.
  • Could ask Boy 2 about the GF verify you sound like you need.

GG


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