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-   -   going mono? dating a mono? accckkk!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30319)

lovemultiplied 10-15-2012 08:08 PM

going mono? dating a mono? accckkk!!
 
how do you navigate potential relationships with people who DON'T want to date you as long as you're in another relationship? Is this just immediately a "hard stop" in your interest in them or do you try to educate them/get them to come around.

My partner struggles with this currently. He's interested in a girl who doesn't want to date him as long as he's in a relationship. This pains him as he is really interested in her but doesn't really know how to go about the situation.

I personally feel that if someone I'm interested can't handle the fact that I'm in a relationship, then they aren't right for me at all anyway. And I definitely don't feel it's at all poly to "give up" one relationship for another. How do you find the balance?

If you don't mind me asking, currently, how many relationships are you navagating? Are any of them monogamous solely with you? Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?

BoringGuy 10-15-2012 08:28 PM

I've had that happen. I said "oh well" and moved on.

The other choice would be to give up a perfectly good relationship (the open marriage) to take a chance that probably wouldn't work with the new monogamous person.

It's about being mature and self-aware and realizing that the only person you can control is yourself.

AggieSez 10-15-2012 09:40 PM

In my experience, things have a better chance of working out when you embark upon relationships with people *as they actually are* rather than *as you'd wish them to be*

In this case, she'd wish your partner was single, with no other partners (and implicitly, available for a monogamous commitment to her and her alone).

Meanwhile, your partner wishes that she would be accepting (eventually) of his relationship with you.

All the chemistry in the world probably can't bridge the gap between these wishes and reality, IMHO

Silhouette 10-15-2012 10:02 PM

Both of my men are monogamous with me, but they knew each other as well.. we all live together. The relationship was healthy because we all knew and accepted the fact I was in love with both of them. I agree with AggieSez you can't have a relationship with someone you have to change to have a relationship with. It's not fair to you, your partner, or them. period.

LovingRadiance 10-15-2012 10:38 PM

mmmm, we are evidently both in a fb group together.

As I said, there, if someone isn't ok with me having other relationships, then we aren't compatible. It doesn't matter how much I may be attracted to them-we aren't compatible because I DO have other relationships. So, that is a hard limit-non-negotiable.

Currently I have a husband and a live in boyfriend. My boyfriend is monogamous to me (not by requirement, by choice). My husband has had girlfriends but currently does not, but he is seeking one.

ThatGirlInGray 10-15-2012 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovemultiplied (Post 159614)
I personally feel that if someone I'm interested can't handle the fact that I'm in a relationship, then they aren't right for me at all anyway.

THIS. I agree 100%, as does TGIB (as would MC if he weren't mono).

If she's willing to open her mind to other possibilities, awesome, he can keep trying to explain it in a way that will click with her. But if it's a hard limit for her? There's nothing he can do to get what he wants, just move on and keeping meeting new people. Keep her as a friend, if possible.

Quote:

If you don't mind me asking, currently, how many relationships are you navigating? Are any of them monogamous solely with you? Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?
2, yes, and yes. I've been with MC for 15 years, so I'd call that successful. Both MC and TGIB are currently only each with me- the comment was made the other day that I'm just that much work, neither of them have time for any additional relationships. :p

nycindie 10-15-2012 11:12 PM

Oh well, just because we want someone doesn't mean we get to have them. So, he's attracted to her and interested, but she isn't into being with a guy who has a partner -- so what is there to fuss about? She's a "no go." Plain and simple.

If he was mono and single, asked a woman out, and she turned him down because she wasn't interested in dating him, would he try all kinds of ways to convince her she should? There has to be respect for her position, and if he isn't about to ditch you for her, well, he would do well to keep looking. The crush or attraction he feels for her will likely fade in time. Why expend unnecessary energy on someone who is a "no" when he'd be better off looking for a "yes?" Plenty of fish, as they say.

Now, it would be different if she was wishy-washy when she turned him down and said things like, "We-e-eeeellll... I dunno. I've never been in this position before. Maybe if I understood it..." That would be an opening.

But a straightforward "Nope, not interested" doesn't leave any room for much else, does it? So, I'd walk away. Whenever there's been a situation in which I forced my preferences on somebody, it only went kablooey in my face.

- - - - - - - -

As for number of relationships, I am in two with a few other potentials in the making. I'm very slow when it comes to developing additional relationships. None are mono to me.

WhatHappened 10-16-2012 04:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovemultiplied (Post 159614)
how do you navigate potential relationships with people who DON'T want to date you as long as you're in another relationship? ...do you try to educate them/get them to come around.

As several others have pointed out, if they don't want to date you, you don't date them. I am one of those (apparently uneducated???) monos seeing a poly man. I'm seeing him despite the fact that he's married, and only because we'd been good friends long before this started was I willing to dip my toe in this. Had he even once taken an attitude of needing to 'educate' me, it would have been over.

Someone who doesn't want to date an attached man is not in need of education. They have different, valid, and legitimate values; they have different, valid, and legitimate desires in life and in relationships. That ought to be respected.

Quote:

My partner struggles with this currently. He's interested in a girl who doesn't want to date him as long as he's in a relationship. This pains him as he is really interested in her but doesn't really know how to go about the situation.
He goes about it by either becoming someone who is not in a relationship, or respecting her wishes and leaving her alone. She is a human being, not a new toy. We don't always get what we want, especially when it's another person with free will.

Quote:

I personally feel that if someone I'm interested can't handle the fact that I'm in a relationship...
It's not necessarily about 'can't handle' being in a poly relationship. It's usually about different values and different wishes in a relationship; that is totally legitimate and should be respected, not dismissed as an inability to handle anything.

Quote:

Are any of them monogamous solely with you? Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?
Are you asking this looking for reason to hope your boyfriend can get what he wants by seeing that other people are doing it? Plenty of people on this board do. However the girl in question has told your boyfriend no. She has made her (very legitimate) feelings perfectly clear.

Arrowbound 10-16-2012 07:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovemultiplied (Post 159614)
how do you navigate potential relationships with people who DON'T want to date you as long as you're in another relationship? Is this just immediately a "hard stop" in your interest in them or do you try to educate them/get them to come around.


I take them at their word and stop pursuing them romantically. My SO does as well, but he tries to educate.


Quote:

Originally Posted by lovemultiplied (Post 159614)
My partner struggles with this currently. He's interested in a girl who doesn't want to date him as long as he's in a relationship. This pains him as he is really interested in her but doesn't really know how to go about the situation.


Accepting it is a start. Conflicted emotions are fine but he can handle a "no thanks".


Quote:

Originally Posted by lovemultiplied (Post 159614)
If you don't mind me asking, currently, how many relationships are you navagating? Are any of them monogamous solely with you? Have you ever successfully dated a monogamous person?


One for now. We're open (he's actively looking, I'm not) for potential. As for successfully dating mono, yes. I did in my last relationship for about a year before it went haywire, and in my current for the past four years.

Anek 10-16-2012 12:10 PM

I agree with what everyone says. She amde it clear she's not interested as long as he's in a relationship, he has no intention of giving up his current relationship, end of the story.

I am currently navigating 3 relationships: one is mono with me, the other 2 have additional partners.


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