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-   -   I think I am a unicorn... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30318)

haruki 10-15-2012 07:26 PM

I think I am a unicorn...
 
That might be the oddest statement I've typed this week. Possibly, but probably isn't.

For most of my life I've considered myself a gay male; however, after quite a bit of development and discovery, I have concluded that I am - in fact- bisexual. When with a partner (beit male or female) I am more reactive than aggressive and tend to focus on the "little things" that I know will further arouse said partner. This tendency has been great as far as gay relationships go, but not so great as far as my straight relationships go. Apparently most women like an aggressive male. However, when with a male this tendency usually results in a sub/dom relationship, which really turns me off.

When in a longer term relationship, I really prefer an open relationship simply because I tend to focus better on one individual when that individual is not the sole center of my attention. And, in fact, in many occasions, I fantasize about enhancing a relationship dynamic rather than generating the dynamic myself.

All that said, I'm at an impass. From what I've read, most unicorn hunters search for bisexual females or are gay relationships searching for a male. And whereas the latter is a dynamic I feel would be good for me, it wouldn't be that "perfect" (hypothetical) fit.

Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?

The second impass is that all this is extremely hypothetical at this point. I've never been the third person in a male/male/female threesome or dynamic.

Finally, I don't really even know how/where to look for this type of dynamic. I don't know how to go about hunting for a relationship or even threesome of this type...

All that said, Anyone have any suggestions/experiences/comments as far as their experience as/with a unicorn or in their search for a unicorn/couple?

Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?

BoringGuy 10-15-2012 08:04 PM

You're not a unicorn. Unicorns are female.

Also, unicorn hunters are never a pair of gay women searching for a man, or a pair of gay men searching for a female. It is always a male-female couple searching for a bisexual female for the purpose of creating a fmf polyfidelitous triad.

Why are you so fixated on the label, if i may ask?

haruki 10-15-2012 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 159611)
You're not a unicorn. Unicorns are female.

After much searching I must ask:
Since you seem to know,
What is the term I should be using?
Tell me and I will change the whole post in a heartbeat. However, I haven't been able to find a term that directly refers to a male in that position and yet it describes everything that I'm searching for in a relationship structure aside from my lack of vagina.

EDIT:
I am not fixated on the title. Like I said, I would change it in a hearbeat. Except that it describes everything I'm looking for in a relationship aside from, once again, my lack of vagina. However, I would like to direct that EXACT question to you... why is it you're so fixated on my use of the title?

Since you know so much about this type of topic, though, I would really appreciate an answer to any of the above questions/problems I have identified with this issue. If you have anything to actually share rather than arguing semantics, I would love to hear it. *attempts to get this topic on to topic*

opalescent 10-15-2012 08:47 PM

I've heard manticore which honestly is not very appealing. (Body of a lion, man's head with extra sharp teeth and a scorpion's tail.)

Unicorn is not exclusive to women IHMO but it does tend towards the heteronormative in use. It can also be derisive as in mf couples who rather naively want the mythologically rare. I'm not sure if you would want to wholeheartedly adopt for your own use.

I don't think you need a label. They are useful shorthand but you just described what you want and there is nothing wrong with it. I think you are rarer than the stereotypical female unicorn. Put that out there and see who comes into your life. Someone or someone's may very well think you are just what they have been longing for.

haruki 10-15-2012 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent (Post 159620)
I don't think you need a label. They are useful shorthand but you just described what you want and there is nothing wrong with it. I think you are rarer than the stereotypical female unicorn. Put that out there and see who comes into your life. Someone or someone's may very well think you are just what they have been longing for.

Truth... and in fact, just these two replies have really kind of distressed me about making a topic to discuss this on the whole.

I use a term to hopefully fully define what it is I'm looking for and ask for any experiences/suggestions as to how to find it.

I'm answered by someone who argues towards the use of said term and another that says I don't need such a distinct definition to find what it is I'm looking for. Both of which, however, are focused on the term itself.

I genuinely appreciate your reply; I will change the topic's text entirely so it's less distracting for people. Labels *shudders*

ThatGirlInGray 10-15-2012 10:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by haruki (Post 159609)
For most of my life I've considered myself a gay male; however, after quite a bit of development and discovery, I have concluded that I am - in fact- bisexual. When with a partner (beit male or female) I am more reactive than aggressive and tend to focus on the "little things" that I know will further arouse said partner. This tendency has been great as far as gay relationships go, but not so great as far as my straight relationships go. Apparently most women like an aggressive male. However, when with a male this tendency usually results in a sub/dom relationship, which really turns me off.

Have you dated only gay men and straight women? I ask because, now that you realize you're bi, I wonder if you've explored the dynamic of dating other people who are bi or pan themselves. You may find that the dynamic is different with a bi man versus a gay man, or bi woman versus a straight woman. It also might be good, if you haven't already, to look at dating people who are more gender-fluid. It's possible their expectations in a relationship are based far less on the typical gender stereotypes.

Quote:

All that said, I'm at an impass. From what I've read, most unicorn hunters search for bisexual females or are gay relationships searching for a male. And whereas the latter is a dynamic I feel would be good for me, it wouldn't be that "perfect" (hypothetical) fit.
Most, maybe, but not all. I'm pan and TGIB is pan and we have fantasies that include a bi or pan guy for a threesome. I've seen couples on here looking for a bi male OR female, so it happens.

Quote:

The second impass is that all this is extremely hypothetical at this point. I've never been the third person in a male/male/female threesome or dynamic.
Well, sure. There's an element of "you don't know until you try" but you know you're open to it. I would say keep reading about the pros and cons of various triads and try to imagine yourself in their shoes- what would you like? what would you do? does it sound like something you want for yourself?

Quote:

Finally, I don't really even know how/where to look for this type of dynamic. I don't know how to go about hunting for a relationship or even threesome of this type...
I never found anyone to be in a ltr with when I was "hunting". Mine always happened when I WASN'T looking, but was just doing what I liked and enjoying life. If you open yourself up to people without the expectations of "could I be in a relationship with this person?" then there's less pressure for everyone and actually a greater chance that a meaningful connection could develop.

Quote:

that said, Anyone have any suggestions/experiences/comments as far as their experience as/with a unicorn or in their search for a unicorn/couple?

Also, how do I know if being a unicorn is right for me?
I don't have any advice specific to being a unicorn or looking for one. I'll just reiterate that the best way to meet people you mesh with is by going out into the world, doing what you like, and being yourself. Frankly, you can't know if being a unicorn is right for you, because it's not about BEING a unicorn. It's far less about the situation and more about the people IN the situation. MC never thought in a MILLION years he'd be one arm of a Vee, yet here we are. Live life. The people who are meant to be in your life will turn up.

BoringGuy 10-15-2012 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by haruki (Post 159613)
I would like to direct that EXACT question to you... why is it you're so fixated on my use of the title?

Since you know so much about this type of topic, though, I would really appreciate an answer to any of the above questions/problems I have identified with this issue. If you have anything to actually share rather than arguing semantics, I would love to hear it. *attempts to get this topic on to topic*

I am not fixated on it. YOU started the thread and I was addressing the topic YOU specified. I AM "on topic". the topic of "I think I am a unicorn" DOES involve semantics, and this is a common topic on this forum, so I invited you to search around and do some more reading. If you don't like the answers you're getting, perhaps you should ask different questions.

I don't give a shit if you want to call yourself a unicorn. I was telling you that it typically is applied to bisexual women in this context. I didn't invent the term, and I don't own it. I was trying to clarify it for you. Maybe you should go get a vagina if it's that important to you. Lord knows it's easier to surgically create a vagina out of a penis than the other way around. Sheesh.

ThatGirlInGray 10-15-2012 11:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 159611)
You're not a unicorn. Unicorns are female.

Also, unicorn hunters are never a pair of gay women searching for a man, or a pair of gay men searching for a female. It is always a male-female couple searching for a bisexual female for the purpose of creating a fmf polyfidelitous triad.

(bold mine)

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 159634)
so I invited you to search around and do some more reading. <snip> I was telling you that it typically is applied to bisexual women in this context.

C'mon, BG, be fair and don't try to backpedal. You didn't originally say anything about "typical". You used absolute statements that were in no way designed to be anything other than a "wake-up" slap in the face. Nor was there ANY invitation to search around the forums. Language, especially around here, is fluid, and it can take TONS of discussion to reach agreed-upon meanings, so lighten up and don't react so strongly to the OP's response, if you don't care what they call themselves.

ETA: Also, perhaps this is my sexism coloring how I "hear" your post (although I think it's as much knowledge of you usual posting style), but, "Maybe you should go get a vagina if it's that important to you." reads as VERY negative and dismissive to me. Hopefully not what you intended.

BoringGuy 10-16-2012 12:02 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 159637)
(bold mine)



C'mon, BG, be fair and don't try to backpedal. You didn't originally say anything about "typical". You used absolute statements that were in no way designed to be anything other than a "wake-up" slap in the face. Nor was there ANY invitation to search around the forums. Language, especially around here, is fluid, and it can take TONS of discussion to reach agreed-upon meanings, so lighten up and don't react so strongly to the OP's response, if you don't care what they call themselves.

ETA: Also, perhaps this is my sexism coloring how I "hear" your post (although I think it's as much knowledge of you usual posting style), but, "Maybe you should go get a vagina if it's that important to you." reads as VERY negative and dismissive to me. Hopefully not what you intended.

I was on the ipod on the train, and i did try to make another edit to that post that invited the OP to do a search. The internet signal must have been lost, & apparently the edit did not go through, and it does indeed look like I was "backpedaling".

That said, the term "unicorn" is NOT "fluid". There HAS been "tons of discussion" about this term. It DOES specifically refer to a BISEXUAL FEMALE (which can be a mtf trans, i suppose) that a male-female couple is looking for to form a closed, polyfidelitous triad. If you don't LIKE that definition, I can't force you to accept it, but that is what it means in this context. The OP must have heard the term somewhere and decided to give it his own meaning. Obviously I don't have the authority to dictate this. But are you trying to say that a "unicorn" can mean anything anyone wants it to mean? In that case, "polyamory" can mean going out and getting laid in dark alleys with a different stranger every night of the week. After all, nobody OWNS the term "polyamory".

And yes, I was being dismissive and negative when I made the comment about the vagina. The OP said he is MALE and does not have a vagina, so that remark was relevant to the flow of discussion. Everything I have said has been in response to something the OP brought up. Then he says I'm being "off topic". That is bullshit.

Tonberry 10-16-2012 12:14 AM

I've heard "Pegasus" used for a male unicorn. Personally don't understand why unicorn would have to refer to females only, though. From what I can tell, it's just the most common case.


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