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-   -   I'm polyamory and my husband is mono, now wants me to be mono (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30283)

AlainaChrisPlusone21 10-15-2012 05:28 AM

I'm polyamory and my husband is mono, now wants me to be mono
Alil background is needed I guess...

I got married to my husband and he means the world to me. I love him and I made a commitment to him. I don't plan to take on a life change like polyamory unless my husband was on board and we have had this mind set for months and research. Anything he asked I answered the best I could and I tried to keep it as neutral as possible and not try to sway him for me but for him. I didn't want him to be unhappy to just try to make me happy.

This all came about because I thought I could Handel being close to his best friend the man that was his best man at our wedding. He came into our home and didn't leave lol! He moved in when my husband invited him to live with us, he stayed and became part of our family. He found a job but my husband started working overtime and longer hours and I felt so alone and longed for him to be home so I voiced my concern. Brushed it off and said we needed the money which we did but not enough to make me feel how I was. Sadly he continued to work long long hours were his friend ( let's call him D ) was not and often not working full time. I started to talk to him and joke and soon we could talk for hours on end. He helped with my homework from school he helped with my son when my husband my sons step father was already at work or to tired from work. D always helped and smiled doing it, went to the grocery store and out and my parents when I needed to vist but help moving around ( I have a hard time some of. My bad days specially with a four year old.) my husband still worked and when he was home I gave him my attention and was always honest specially about D and how our day went and basicly a play by play because I knew and he told me that's what he wanted. I thought even though I was connecting with D I could control it and rationally let him go when the time was right because at the time I was afraid to bring poly up and lose the messed up family we had going on.

It got to the point that they started having fights and also my husband is a sex addict so there are many times that I find things and all I wanted was honesty. To him sex was just a physical act and he no problem separating the physical and emotional but he was doing good at not relapsing. I knew when I said my vows so I feel I made my bed now I need to lay in it. I have always known I was a little different and that I wanted more and that one emotional connection was what I should want that one lover is what I was taught but it was never enough I always ended up connecting with someone else but it never took from the first. I would then break up with the bf and move on and so on until I met my husband now and then I stopped talking to all male friends that were not gay so I would let anyone tempt me so to say. Then I met D I pushed back I told myself it was nothing but I fell for him and then I couldn't face it and told myself I could let him go anytime until I had to face letting him go.

We as a family had money problems and soon found out I was expecting before D moved in then my husband wanted to spice things up so we invited to our room but soon stopped in fear of complicate things. Anyway the money got to be a big problem and caused more fights until one day he decided it was time he (D) that it was time he moved back home he couldn't afford to stay with us. I drove him to the bus and watched him leave and I told my self it's what was best for everyone.

No matter what I wanted my husband to be happy and for him to have his best friend and I still believe in that but I guess I'm rambling and no one has to respond but a few days ago after my husband told me he had been thinking for a while that he could not be poly that he couldn't handle it. To say I was a little shocked I had always asked and pushed for him to be honest and had always said poly or not I wanted to be with him for him. Now I would like to know how to let go of being hurt to let go of D and my dream of being poly. I rather keep my husband happy no matter what. But this hurts to send the rest of Ds things to him to tell myself that I shouldn't talk to him again like before that I shouldn't call him to long for to hear his voice. They need each other more than I need him, I just want him to be happy and safe and my husband to keep his best friend that's what should happen that's what is happening now.

I'm sorry for my rambling its the rambling of a new mother and I feel so lost I just needed to voice what I been feeling.

GalaGirl 10-16-2012 05:34 PM

You are hurting right now. I am sorry you are hurting. It is not fun to feel. :(

Your husband neglected your emotional intimacy life and you feel in love with the handiest fella there -- his friend D that was living with you. Now D has moved out. You are left lonely. Original problems in marriage still there.

You are polyamorous. He is not.

He is not giving you what you need as a poly person in a Closed Polyship of 2:
  • enough emotional intimacy
  • enough poly expression and sharing of your inner life -- willing to listen and hear about your poly dreams, crushes, and whatnots.

You could choose to work on the marriage so your poly expression needs are met. Note I say poly expression -- not poly sexing. (You cannot OPEN a broken marriage that needs repair work first. I do not recc taking an extra lover when he clearly states he does NOT want to be in polyship. That would be cheating. )

You could choose to leave the marriage that does not feed you right now and will not feed you in future because he is not willing to meet your needs. (Is he willing to meed your needs?) The first page of my blog thread talks about poly/mono mismatch. Click on name to go there.

If you find having another lover IS a need and he is not wanting polyshipping? The only way for you to have 2 lovers and for him not to be in polyship is for him to not be one of the lovers then. Break up CLEAN. Deal with the disppointment. Then start seeking anew for something more compatible to you when ready.

It is hard to feel, I know. But stay true to you and be honest, ethical, and responsible while navigating all this. You can do it.

IDENTIFY the wants, needs and limits of yours. What is not being fed that needs feeding? What are you willing/not willing to do. Articulate it to yourself first.

Then ask him to state his wants, needs, limits. What he is and is not willing to do. Tell each other your information. Then sort it from there.


AlainaChrisPlusone21 10-16-2012 07:48 PM

Sorry I was really up set the other day. You are right I was not honest to myself I wanted to believe and told my self everything was fine when it wasn't when it really wasn't. Now my husband has a new job and now we have a new baby girl and I sent the rest of Ds things back to him and agreed to what my husband has asked of me which was to drop poly.

I am polyamorus and my husband is supposed as he says is mono I told him I feel like he will still be... Not totally faithful to me when he is asking me to be to him and leave the poly feelings behind. He says he won't that he will control himself better and try harder.

I want to be with him I love my husband and now we have a family. I have made my decession and packed up Ds things and I have sent them back to him and I will let him go I just need time to heal to let him go because I need to work on my own marriage and l know my husband needs his best friend who is like a brothe more thenany other friend.

I believe he can change I believe that he listened that he can meet my needs I know I mean the world to him. Through thick and thin we promised and I plan to keep that promise. It's hard to let go and I am sad and extremely lonely and he knows that and try's to help try's to be there .

I messed up falling for D and I owned that and I will not cheat on my husband I want to see us happy with our son and daughter and I belie e we can be and truley that's what I want and want more the poly life.

GalaGirl 10-16-2012 07:54 PM

Loving him doesn't have to mean throwing your OWN well being under the bus. If staying in this relationship is harmful to your healths (mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health) you are not obligated to stay "in the line of fire!"

You can love him from a place of safety instead. Remove yourself and not be hurt by him if he's hurting you somehow.


AlainaChrisPlusone21 10-16-2012 08:45 PM

In the past he has once then the web dating sites and to top it off Craigslist . I cried I begged then we started therapy and things got well again but soon we had to stop due to money issues. He says he only did it once and I have to trust him and I worked hard to get to this point.

I feel right now we need each other and mentally I am recovering from the baby and hormonal state to stable out and I can think more clearly. Thanks so much for talking to me and I know I need to think about my own health as well because if I don't I can't be the parent I need to be.

I want to be with my husband to work on our marriage and for us to be happy again as a family

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