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-   -   Poly/Mono issues in a marriage (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3027)

Meadow 06-18-2010 02:57 PM

Poly/Mono issues in a marriage
First, thanks to whoever's taking the time to read this....
So here's my story: I'm 24, married to my 29 year old husband for a little less than a year (we've been together almost 6 years, or since I was 18). I love my husband dearly and he loves me, and everything in our marriage is wonderful - except for the "poly issue." I've always felt intellectually that monogamy didn't make much sense to me and group or open arrangments seemed more "right", but meeting my future husband at 18 kinda killed my opportunities to experiment and figure out what's right for me. So I figured I "should" feel the way everyone else seems to, and embrace being a good, monogamous spouse. And I'm failing at that. I feel constrained and stifled, and like I'm missing out on interesting people who would only add to my life, not take away from mine or my husband's. I told my husband all this about 3 months ago, when I thought I was either going to have a breakdown or cheat (which I have done once, in the past, and the feeling of lying to my beloved was literally the worst feeling I've ever had). He says he doesn't think there's anything wrong with how I feel, but that he has no interest in poly, and that's that. We had this conversation again last night, because I'm trying to keep an open line of communication on this - I told him 3 months ago that I love him so much, and I would just try to keep doing monogamy and see how that goes, but it's not going so hot. I feel bad when I have feelings for someone else because I know what I want to do about them, which is in direct opposition to what my husband wants me to do about them, and of course I'm doing what he wants which is predictably leading to a bit of resentment on my part (justified or not, it's there). My husband is upset because he feels that sooner or later this is going to break up our marriage, and I can't say that I totally disagree. But it tears me up to think that there's nothing else I can do - that my only options are stay and feel stifled and resentful, or go and lose the best friend and lover I've ever known, someone I share so many dreams and ideals with. I'm planning on talking with him again later tonight to see if he feels like there's any flexibility at all for us to try this as a couple, but I'm not optimistic, and if he says no I reallly don't know what to do. I love everything about my life just the way it is, except for this. I'm sure I left out some important info, if I did please just ask, but I'm really hoping someone has gone through something similar or has some advice on how to deal with any of this, 'cause I'm at a loss. Thank you!

MonoVCPHG 06-18-2010 03:14 PM

Both of you need to stay strong and do what will keep you happy and healthy in the long run. Regardless, the world will not end. You need to do what will make you fulfilled and so does he. Don't let this fade into the background, talk, talk and talk. Let him know that it is an opportunity for him too. He might surprise himself if he thinks about the idea of an open relationship. Don't attack his beliefs though, focus on what you see as the healthy benefits of yours. Avoid things like "all people are actually this way" but tell him that there are working examples of open relationships/poly.

Ultimately, strength to follow your convictions is needed. Just as it is for him.

Lost421 06-18-2010 06:03 PM

I've been on the other side of this situation (at first, at least) so maybe I can offer a bit of perspective. When my wife came out as poly after 4 years of marriage, I was pretty devastated. I thought it must be my fault in some way. I thought my wife was being selfish and acting on a whim and I thought it was all about sex. I didn't want to share her with anyone. I've since learned that all these things are not true and my wife and I have an even stronger, deeper relationship than we did before, even though she has a boyfriend and I (hopefully) have a new girlfriend. The point is, your husband is probably feeling a lot of anxiety and heartache and maybe he feels like he's done something wrong to cause your feelings. You need to keep those lines of communication open. You need to tell him why you feel the way you feel. You need to talk until your brain hurts, sometimes. You don't want to lose your husband, but you're having a hard time being monogamous. I know it's really hard, and it's a risk, but maybe you should tell him how much you love him and that you don't want to leave him or lose him, but that you also need to be true to yourself. Give him time, take it slow, and always remind him that you love him and that you're not looking for a way out of the relationship and that he hasn't done anything wrong. Not sure if this helps but I hope so.


-You don't have to believe everything you think

MrDreadful 06-18-2010 06:31 PM

Definitely talk and definitely take things slowly... I 'came out' as poly to my wife two years ago and after a lot of yelling, a lot of tears but most of all a lot of talking we're now in a position where we're going to give it a try and see how it goes... It certainly won't be easy (especially if the opportunity to play away comes up, as it did with me last year) but the most worthwhile things never are.
Best of luck with whatever course your life takes from here.

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