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-   -   Confused and very scared (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=30225)

alina 10-12-2012 10:28 PM

Confused and very scared
 
Hi I'm very new to this. I've been with this guy for almost 10 months. He just recently (2 months) moved to a different state and about a month and a half ago when i went to visit told me he was poly. he had mentioned it before but since I'm monogamous I never thought he would think I would like an open relationship. The point is he recently came to visit and told me he had been with two girls. He told them all about me and how I'm the one for him and the one he will marry. I love him and if accepting this lifestyle is what it takes to be with him so be it. But I felt like there was something wrong with me like I'm not enough and that's why he went to others. He assures me he loves me and would be heartbroken if we were to break up.

My question is: Am I wrong for feeling like this? Should I accept this and believe that he loves me and I'm the one? Please help, I'm desperate.

BoringGuy 10-13-2012 12:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alina (Post 159309)

My question is: Am I wrong for feeling like this? Should I accept this and believe that he loves me and I'm the one? Please help, I'm desperate.

If he is truly "poly" then you are not "the" one, you are "a" one. If he just needs to be with other women for sex, then maybe you are "the" one but you probably shouldn't think that it will change once you get married. If you can't handle this in your relationship for the duration, then don't prolong the inevitable. 10 months is not a very long time; you can still cut your losses and find someone to be with whose vision of what a relationship should look like is more like your own vision of what a relationship should look like.

gomugirl1656 10-13-2012 12:12 AM

Nope you are not wrong. We are programed in our society to feel that marriage lends us the time and exclusive body rights of our spouse. Poly isn't wrong either some people can love more than one person and it not take away from any of the relationships.

Monogamy supposes that one person can and should meet all the needs of another.

Polyamory supposes that one person can't possibly meet all the needs of another person and that love is a limitless resource that only grows as time goes on.

My hus and I have been together 16 years married 13 of that and we have had lovers over 9 of those years and we love each other more now than ever. It can work but it takes communication, honesty with kindness, and self-responsibility. Think carefully and give yourself time. Jealousy does happen and can be overcome. There may be issues of all sorts but love means you work it out. It's up to you and he to decide. Share your fears honestly I think you will be ok.

As for your second question it is entirely possible that he loves you and wants you to be his primary but you have to decide together what ground rules if any there should be before you get married. Hope this helps.

GalaGirl 10-13-2012 02:39 AM

Take him out of the equation for a moment.

What do YOU want? To marry? If so? Do you want a husband that is dating other people? Or a husband that is exclusive to you?

If exclusive to you -- best to end it here with him and be friends.

You have different beliefs. Neither is better than the other -- just different.

You have the right to seek what YOU want in Life. Do not compromise yourself.

If you are willing to let go of "exclusive" and come to terms with his poly side and be a monoamorous person in love with a polyamorous person?

Well... What's he mean you are the "one" -- the legal wife? The primary? What kind of open relationship model does he subcribe to? How well do you deal with jealousy?

There's stuff to consider. Because maybe you are a monoamorous person who could maybe deal with a "V" with just one other person but NOT a large polytangle or a casul sex swinging scene where there's lots more numbers than just one other person besides you. Then there's the "being in right relationship" -- are you exclusive NOW? As BF and GF? With the LDR thing? If that is the expectation what's he doing with other people? Were promises broken or not?

You are in a time of discernment for yourself. But again -- there is NOTHING wrong with wanting monoamory in a monogamous relationship! You have the right to live your life as you most want it to be.

HTH!
GG

WhatHappened 10-13-2012 04:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alina (Post 159309)
about a month and a half ago when i went to visit told me he was poly... The point is he recently came to visit and told me he had been with two girls. He told them all about me and how I'm the one for him and the one he will marry.

To be clear...he was 'with' two girls (and presumably we don't mean for a beer and a game of darts) and told you after the fact? Were you supposed to be impressed that he was more honest with them than he was with you?

The question of whether you know, after only 10 months, that you're so into him that you're willing to spend the next 50 years living a very unconventional lifestyle that you never expected, just to be with him, is one question.

At least equally important: he's just tested you out to see what happens if he says, "Oh, hey, baby, by the way, I screwed two other girls, but see it's 'cause I'm poly." What happens when this continues--"Oh, hey, baby, I just ran up 30K in debt, but see it's because...." or "Oh, hey, baby, I know you have three sick kids under the age of 3, but I bought myself a plane ticket to Hawaii, but see it's because...."

Sorry, but if the heart of poly is honesty, I don't think he's been very honest with you. Honesty and integrity would have been discussing it BEFORE ANYTHING HAPPENED. Doing it without telling you is called cheating, and I have a huge problem that he was more honest with THEM than he was with YOU, supposedly his beloved girlfriend.

alina 10-14-2012 10:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gomugirl1656 (Post 159327)
Think carefully and give yourself time. Jealousy does happen and can be overcome. There may be issues of all sorts but love means you work it out. It's up to you and he to decide. Share your fears honestly I think you will be ok.

As for your second question it is entirely possible that he loves you and wants you to be his primary but you have to decide together what ground rules if any there should be before you get married. Hope this helps.

Thank you for your words as they have been very helpful. I hope I can overcome any jealousy and that our love is strong enough to overcome distance or anything.

Marcus 10-17-2012 01:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GalaGirl (Post 159353)
Take him out of the equation for a moment.

What do YOU want?
GG

An incredibly important (possibly the most important) aspect of a relationship and strangely the one that is most frequently overlooked. An adult relationship is hopefully made up of two adults, each responsible for their own emotions, growth, and actions.

alina 10-28-2012 10:53 PM

Thank you all for replying, right now I'm going crazy because he hasn't been texting as much, he's very busy at work but it takes 20 seconds at most to write a text. My mind wonders I hate this. i love him and want this to work but I really sometimes feel like giving up.

nycindie 10-30-2012 12:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by alina (Post 162404)
i love him and want this to work but I really sometimes feel like giving up.

Well, keep in mind that love is not enough to make a relationship work and bring you satisfaction. It's just not. As I see it, you need much better communication between you. You assumed that when he said he was poly that didn't really mean he would do anything about it. I take it you never asked him questions to get clarity on what he meant and how he intends to live (why he didn't explain himself I do not understand - but you need to be proactive and ask for the info you need to make an informed choice of whether or not to be involved with someone). AND furthermore, he assumed he could go stick his dick in other women and tell you afterwards.

Something definitely stinks here! Some growing up -- on both your parts -- is in order.

I hope you use condoms with him. He doesn't seem trustworthy. If not, get tested now.

alina 11-08-2012 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 162763)
you need much better communication between you. You assumed that when he said he was poly that didn't really mean he would do anything about it. I take it you never asked him questions to get clarity on what he meant and how he intends to live (why he didn't explain himself I do not understand - but you need to be proactive and ask for the info you need to make an informed choice of whether or not to be involved with someone). AND furthermore, he assumed he could go stick his dick in other women and tell you afterwards.

I wonder that too and he says he never really got into the subject because he was afraid of loosing me. I really don't know what to do, right now he's with somebody who he has been with sexually but he says she's just a friend. I really don't know what to believe, because now he is not texting and that makes me feel rejected or not taken care of. And if I text him he does answer in a minute but I don't always want to be the one to text or call. LDR with a poly really sucks :(


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